There and Back, #2

[SallyM]

spiraling hard here. omg, not good. help. oh god, help.

I ended up heading up to the bbq. about 1/3 of the way there, I called to say goodnight to the kids...early, but otherwise I'd probably miss it and didn't want to.

called H's cell, since I figured they weren't at his mom's house this early. well, turns out, he wasn't with them. he was all day, don't get me wrong, but he wasn't now...they were with his mom. he was going out...to an "event." guess that's code for f-ing ow. quite the event, that.

I lost it. literally. started bawling. I miss my kids when they are gone. I miss them so much it hurts. yes, I do enjoy some me time, and am actually enjoying many of my gal activities. but omg, I was so hurt...for 2 reasons. 1, that he was going out, and I know it was with her, and 2, because I wasn't given the choice of getting my kids back early.

I went OFF on him. and he actually felt sincerely bad. thought he was doing a nice thing by not telling me, by having his mom watch the kids so I could go on with my plans, no problem. but H, it was about having the CHOICE. and he did apologize, but I just lost it anyway.

DB got thrown out the window so far and so hard you all probably heard the thud. I asked every single question that shouldn't be asked...I asked R questions up and down the block. I asked wtf were we doing, I went off about the suspicions i had about OW, and on and on and on and on. think of a question, I guarantee I asked it. he got pissed...I held my own for a long time, stayed calm, didn't get sucked in to the puppetmaster's strings, for a while. I had a response for everything...every twist and turn he tried to pull. every single time he tried to throw it back on me, I threw it right back on him. I called him on even doing that.

then he hit me with the 2x4. hard. omg, sucked the wind right out of me. told me that therapy has been awful for him, because its not bringing up the good stuff in our marriage, its bringing up all the bad stuff...all my inadequecies that he should have seen coming long ago, all the things that should have told him I/we were a mistake. omg, that hurt. because you know what, I do exactly the opposite...I think of all the things that were wonderful. all the things that are worth saving.

I lost it completely. pulled into a rest area and bawled my eyes out. called my therapist, who, god love her, called me right back. have I mentioned I love my therapist? she is awesome, don't know where I would be without her. She was great, and reminded me of something we had talked about long ago. love her analogies. this particular one is about house shopping...when you narrow it down between 2, and finally make the choice, you have to try to concentrate on the bad stuff on the other house, or you'll drive yourself crazy with regret. well, that's what H is doing. he's doing that, and also trying to justify his own actions...that he has no choice, because I'm such a heinous wife and such. he's trying to justify his actions to his himself and his therapist.

makes perfect sense, I calm down, remember its not about me, all is good, right? except that it isn't. I'm a mess now, I am calmer, but still having awful crying bouts, so I call my friends and tell them I'm turning around, I just can't go tonight. I'm too volatile. they tried to talk me into coming still, but I just couldn't, so here I am again at home.

all that is enough, right? but it isn't over...the spiral continued. on the way home I tried calling H again...I knew it was wrong, but I did. and he didn't answer...and that pissed me off more than anything else. so I tried again. and again. and finally I left a VM stating that I was heading over to OW's house, would be there shortly, since he wasn't picking up the phone. said I'd wait for them to get home, should they not even be there. and yeah, it was a total bluff.

2 minutes later, he called back. lol.

not so much laughing. I was very calm, but just...done. and I know I should never do something in anger. and I know I shouldn't have done this, and I knew it even as the words were coming out of my mouth. I told him that when bonus comes in mid-sept, we need to sit down and figure out the logistics...that I was done, and that he has lost something really good here. that he can demonize me all he wants in order to justify his own actions, but that I was worth more, and I was not going to take it anymore. I went on and on about him seeing her (suspicions) and how I am worth more than any of that. he tried to lie about it, which is funny, because why lie at this point? minimally I know he has her keys, so that alone is enough. it is, it really is. I told him straight out, this isn't want I want, none of it is, but that I need to let go of all the good memories, at least for now. I need to learn to let go. and I need to realize that every single concrete thing that he has shown me has shown me that he doesn't want me anymore, that he doesn't want this life anymore, and that I need to let go of the fantasy of him coming home, of us being a whole family again.

he tried to put it all on me...why was I doing this, etc. But H, and I told him this, I'm not the one doing it. he is. his choices. all of them are his choices. but i don't have to put up with them anymore, and I can't. I just can't. Its killing me. I told him I would make sure the kids never knew what happened, that they would be okay, that they would see him as much as possible, and that I would be there for them and be as good a mom as I can be. I will try to make up for the fact that they are cheated out of a whole family by loving them as much as possible, by making them feel as okay as I can. I told him that I would make sure I was happy, too. and this isn't making me happy, none of it is, but I WILL be happy again someday.

so, bad db-er. bad, bad db-er. omg, what a mess.