Unless I misread, those are all examples of conversations you are having with yourself, right? They do not involve CAC in anyway that I can tell. They may center around him in some way, but they do not directly involve him. Whatever is driving them, your emotions, your anxiety or whatever, they all seem to be intellectual conversations in your own head. Where does all this mountain of fear, anxiety and self doubt come from???
Yes, conversations with myself. This is the sort of overanalyzing I do and have done for a very long time. It quieted down significantly while I took ADs, but the sexual side effects were not helpful with an already troubled sex life. I wasn't thrilled with the weight gain either.
I'm surprised you're asking where it comes from, because I would think you of all people would know the answer. :-)
I don’t see you making deflections or excuses with CAC, I see you making them more with yourself. That’s why I think you are your own worst enemy.
I get that the negative self-talk makes me my own worst enemy. I guess I don't understand how I could make deflections with myself but not with cac. Maybe I'm not understanding the definition of deflection.
thanks for your post! I'm glad to hear that you've found a way to quiet your internal conversations. I am lucky that falling asleep is rarely a problem for me. For whatever reason, I have no difficulty turning off the loop at bedtime.
What you're describing sounds like mindfulness, which I did try some years ago. It wasn't easy though. I can't quite let go of the feeling that not having my brain analyzing at full tilt is time wasted. I have a good oppportunity to just "be" with my 4 year old son, but when I try, sometimes it is nearly excruciating.
I think there a tons of things I would like to do but I don't have time to do justice to one of them. I sometimes feel quite restless whether it be with finding an interesting activity, figuring out what to have for lunch or just in general. I think I can get bored quite easily, but I also have the capacity to focus for long periods of time on an activity, such as genealogy research or scrapbooking or organizing a closet.
There are so many books that I want to read, that people here have recommended, and I can't seem to find the time to get to them. I buy some and read them here and there, but if I don't have the continuity of reading a book continuously I don't get as much out of it.
Basically I feel like I am rushing through my life but not accomplishing anything. Does this sound like ADD? The symptoms I've read online don't jump out at me and resonate so much. I don't think I'm really disorganized with my belongings (I rarely lose things, for example), but I think my *head* is a jumbled mess.
If I haven't got something to focus on -- an interesting conversation, a good book, a good movie, an absorbing activity -- I feel compelled to fill the "space" with with the internal tape recorder. Dead space is deadly. I wonder why that is?
I'm mostly just thinking out loud here, but any comments are welcome.
Basically I feel like I am rushing through my life but not accomplishing anything. Does this sound like ADD? The symptoms I've read online don't jump out at me and resonate so much. I don't think I'm really disorganized with my belongings (I rarely lose things, for example), but I think my *head* is a jumbled mess.
Another book recommendation -
Women with Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life by Sari Solden.
ADD in girls/women goes undiagnosed because it manifests itself in different ways (the physical hyperactivity is less common). I am of the opinion that the hyperactivity in women shows up in their thought processes.
It hasn't been medically researched (info gathered via surveys and self-reporting), but there is a possible link between hypersensitivity and ADD. Here's a link to an article - HERE and another here - The Princess and the Pea
"Basically I feel like I am rushing through my life but not accomplishing anything. Does this sound like ADD? "
It can be, it can also be a result of being a SAHM - where every day can be filled with activity, but there's no shiny new "product" to point to at the end of the day.
Go through the checklists and see if it gives you a more complete picture. Keep in mind that every category probably won't apply, or if it does, it can be in a not-so-obvious way.
How would Cac EVER know how much his smoking bothered you unless you told him.
He wouldn't, any more than I would know how much our crappy sex life made him feel unloved. I know they aren't equal analogies, but we sometimes forget that what seems obvious to us isn't always obvious to anyone else.
I have certainly made negative comments about his smoking and cigarettes over the years.
The first words I ever uttered to him were, "Would you get away from me with that cigarette!" said in a dismissive and disgusted tone of voice.
I banned smoking in the house in 1991. But he probably assumed that was because I have asthma (and that WAS part of it).
I suppose some people like myself, who have never smoked and who see it as a disgusting habit, figure that on some level a smoker has GOT to know how awful it truly is. But, in all those years I never actually said to cac, "you know, smoking makes you smell bad and it turns me off. I don't care to have sex with you unless you are showered with teeth brushed," which I think would have stated my feelings about it pretty clearly.
After thinking about it, I see that I am more sensitive to smoke now than I was as a youth and young adult (so Cobra, in that respect you are correct) because of our society's changing views of smoking. My parents were both smokers when I was born (my mother quit when I was a small child.) Relatives and friends of my parents smoked. I remember how awful it was sitting in the "smoking section" of a commercial airplane with cac right after our wedding in '89. People in the office were allowed to smoke in the office. I was desensitized to smoke because I was so often exposed to it. I never liked it, but I was more tolerant of it.
But then things started changing. No more smoking in the house. Restaurants and bars changed their policies. Smoking was banned on domestic flights. Smoking was banned in my office. Much less exposure to smoke increased my sensitivity to it. I don't imagine I would consider even dating a smoker today, never mind marrying one.
Thanks for the med recommendation. Looks like it could truly help a lot of people. Yes, some meds indeed seem miraculous, and I know that from first-hand experience. Glad it worked for you!!
Wow! Thanks, MrsNOP! I read the two articles and I would have found them funny if they weren't so true. You're right, not all of the symptoms/annoyances are true for me, but many are. It makes sense to me that there could be a connection between ADD and hypersensitivity.
I think my in-laws used to view me as the Princess and the Pea, LOL. They came to accept and love me for myself a long time ago and for that I am grateful and fortunate. cac once described me as delicate. Only thing is I'm 5'6", usually weigh between 140 and 150, and have big boobs. When I pointed that out he said, "Delicate is a state of mind. I find it endearing because it is what makes you, you."
Being a SAHM has definitely increased my feelings of being rushed and not accomplishing anything, and of restlessness. Small children are very distracting and can be overwhelming to a person like me, so I struggle with that quite a lot. But I know it is only temporary and I think it's worth it. S4 seems to have a lot of sensitivities, so sometimes we're both overwhelmed.
I'm off to do something with S4, so I'll post back later after I do the self tests.
Do you get much exercise? For myself (I am 48) I know that if I do not exercise, I feel tired and low energy, and when I do go to sleep my mind is often engaged with some issue of the day. Aerobic exercise helps, such as jogging, playing soccer, softball, TKD or the like, but I find that weight lifting (heavy weights, as much as I can lift, not light weights with high repetitions) helps me the most in getting exhausted to the point that I fall to sleep quickly. I need both aerobic and weight exercise, plus stretching to keep in good shape, feel energized and get a good night's sleep. IMO nothing calms the mind better.
I get that the negative self-talk makes me my own worst enemy. I guess I don't understand how I could make deflections with myself but not with cac. Maybe I'm not understanding the definition of deflection.
What I was wondering is whether all the self analysis, internal conversations and self criticism could be a deflection of you accepting who you are and becoming content with that. Once you settle down and know who you are and what you truly want, then you run the risk of getting it. Then you become accountable because CAC will have the chance to truly know you and your vulnerabilities. As long as you stay a moving target, he can't really get a hold of you and you stay safe.
While it may seem that he is unable to meet your changing needs, could it be in part that you change those needs (even if it is unintentional due to your hypersensitivity)to prevent him from having the opportunity to met them? If that were the case, then you would be deceiving yourself, not CAC.
What I sense is that you are becoming dissatisfied with the lack of affection that comes from always dodging CAC, of having the "freedom" to always get up and leave a situation once it becomes uncomfortable (even if it is due to hypersensitivity). The safety of being elusive turns out to be not so safe. But to truly become safe, you may have to do the opposite of what you've been doing and stand still long enough to know yourself, become acclimated to your senses and whatever irritates you, and then let CAC truly know you, which will make you vulnerable.
I found the Adult ADHD Self-Report Scale Symptom Checklist difficult to fill out. This actually happens to me fairly often where I find the questions vague or think I can't objectively answer them. Anyway, I didn't have many questions where I fell into the gray boxes, so I don't think that one was particularly helpful.
However, the Daniel Amen checklist was quite different. I related to a lot more of those questions (I think they were more specific) and scored a 32 for the total number of items with a score of 3 or more. For Item 1 I scored 2, for item 6 I scored 3 and for item 7 I scored 4. Dr. Amen says that "more than 20 items with a score of three of more indicates a strong tendency toward ADHD, so there you go.
The first question on the Amen list is confusing to me. Either I didn't display ADHD symptoms in childhood, or I hid them well, or overcompensated well or something. But items 6 and 7 seem to fit me, as do a lot of the other questions.
I will bring these lists to my next C appointment and discuss this with her. I'm going to order the book and have decided I should shelve all the other books and other concerns temporarily and read this one first. I'm thinking it may shed light on a lot of my other issues.
Cobra -- I do not get much exercise. I've always been sedentary and had no interest in organized sports. I'm less sedentary taking care of a small boy than when I WOH, but I'm not getting regular exercise.
I've never been able to find an exercise regimen that I could stick with, so I've never experienced the endorphin high of exercise. Walking, biking and other aerobic exercise has typically been extremely boring. I did like the circuit training I did briefly a long time ago. Maybe it was the varied machines and such that made it interesting.
Solitary exercise is too much like meditation to me (idle brain) so trying to force myself to do it makes me feel anxious like I'm wasting time because I'm not engaging my brain.
It's extremely rare that I don't feel exhausted enough to sleep. I am dependent on the TV to fall asleep, though, probably because the audio gives me something to focus on instead of my churning thoughts. I'm not comfortable in a dark, quiet room and I don't fall asleep as fast. Reading a book at bedtime will put me to sleep in a matter of minutes.
I think I'm more disorganized staying at home because I lack the ability to structure my day. I do often get down on myself for not doing a better job around the house. My mother was the quintessential housewife with the spotless house and I've never measured up to that. Maybe ADD is the reason why.
The disorganization, overwhelming feelings, keeping up with S4 (who appears to have a lot more energy than cac or I did at his age, courtesy of genes I passed on, but which skipped me) and so forth makes me pretty darn tired at day's end.
I did much better at work. It was structured, I had deadlines, I didn't have much for distractions, I spent most of my day alone in my quiet office, I had adult conversation and stimulation. By comparison, my life now as SAHM feels chaotic and most of the time I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. It's hard for me to recharge because I have so little time to myself, although that is changing as S4 spends longer amounts of time in school and cac proceeds with his GAL.
