I've skimmed your thread and you're doing your best at this, but I'm curious. WTH is your W doing to help the financial situation? It seems like it's all you to make the money. Why can't she get a job?
Sorry if I missed this, but it just seems like such a huge problem. I mean, even if you were doing well, is there ever going to be a 'well enough' for your W?
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
My wife used to have a very good job. She left after our S4 was at 7 months old and our D was 1 1/2. We agreed that she would say at home since day care was very expensive. There were also other issues at the job that made the decision easier.
The bottom-line is that I made a mess of our finances. The last few years have been a nightmare that I did not seem to know how to get out of. There are no excuses for it and, in fact, I am so disgusted with myself for letting it happen.
I am done fighting the reality that my wife will be moving out with my kids in a few days. She has already consulted with an attorney and has stated that her mind is made up.
I will always have some slight hope of reconciliation but her bitterness and resentment goes so deep that we will probably never recover from it. I don't want to be a part-time dad but I will be the best father to my children. It is not a good feeling to see your W slip away but that is the reality and it is now time to accept that our lives will be changed forever.
Me: 41 W: 40 D5, S4 Bomb Dropped: 7/8/2007 Status: W has moved out with kids 8/25/2007
One thing to remember is that she has a responsibility here also.
Yes, you are responsible for some of the situation. However, she doesn't get a 'Free Pass' to leave. She made a commitment to you, to the family. Unless you were abusive she has no excuse for her attitude.
What has SHE done to help out with the finances? Could you downsize to a smaller home? Could she get a job?
I think you should let go of her for now, as DBing says to do. You just look at making the hard decisions about your house or other finances. DO whatever is needed and let HER perculate for a while in her own stuff. The more you move into a positive attitude, show a positive 'moving forward' 'can do' attitude and let her see you winning - without her.
I know exactly how you feel, Mark. Prepare yourself for the long haul journey.
Of course we deserve better. If they ever 'fall back' it'll be to a M that needs a lot of work. I'm not thinking about that yet. I'm thinking I've waited long enough.
I have taken the last few days to really see whether my marriage can be saved. I don't see it being possible even if I turned our financial situation around. I just think that if my W feels that her affection is better for OM than her husband, she has concluded that since her feeling for me are gone..they won't come back. If anyone asked me I would have said we were meant for each other. The constant struggle took it's toll on her and now her heart is elsewhere.
She is moving out on Saturday with children and there is no stopping her. Her mind is made up that D is the solution since there will never be stability with me. I won't live my life hoping that she will "see the light" and not break apart our family forever. I have to respect myself to not be 2nd choice. She has taken away her heart to me and given it so easily to OM and is acting like a women falling in love all over again.
I admire those here that continue to burn the candle of hope for reconciliation. I need to let go so I don't wind up with a tremendous disappointment down the road.
I love my W and we didn't work together to solve our problems. It hurts 10,000 times more than leaving that she is now in spirit with some one else.
I have to take care of me and move on...Best to all!
Me: 41 W: 40 D5, S4 Bomb Dropped: 7/8/2007 Status: W has moved out with kids 8/25/2007
Yes you do have to take care of you now. But you also have to take care of your children. Do NOT allow yourself to get short changed on your rights as a father. Try to make fair arrangements with her about them, if she is not willing to make arrangements take whatever steps are neccessary to protect your rights as a father. Your children need you now, more than ever. Be strong for them. Be strong for you...........
Everything you have said in your last post is exactly what many others wives have said.
My W was 'in love' with OM and they were 'soulmates'
It isn't real. It's a fantasy, an escape.
I know you're under a lot of stress right now and I'm not going to tell you that your marriage will be 'healed'. I WILL tell you that everything she is doing is out of fear, and the desire to be 'saved' by a white knight. OM is not that person. A 'white knight' doesn't pursue a married woman, with children.
She's lost right now. You will find that as you fix the financial situation and 'man up' when you interact with her, and command respect, she will change her view of you.
In my case, as I got 'stronger', OM got scared of me. It was interesting how he would ask her about me, and when she spent time with me and the kids he was nervous.
Regardless, as I got the strength and confidence back I started to realize that I didn't want her the way she was. She had to change and take responsibility for her actions.
