Why would you ever look to others for validation? Only because you believe you're not good enough. Somewhere, somehow, some amount of shame has crept into your psyche and decided that you're not good enough unless and until somebody else says that you are. In the case of sex, it's then very easy to cling to a person who provides that validation in hopes they'll continue to validate you until the day you die, and if they ever stop...you're in trouble.
Perhaps this is just a quibble but I might argue that although it is absolutely necessary to self-maintain a high level of validation, it isn't necessarily necessary to achieve it in a vacuum. When I was a teenager I was a rebel/nerd living in a conservative rural small town. One day at the library I came across Harpers magazine and I was so excited and validated because I realized that there were people who thought like me out there but I haven't had to constantly subscribe to Harpers ever since then in order to maintain that level of validation. I find sex with NG quite validating because he is like me sexually. (We're both total "show-offs" - lol ) but I don't feel like I would have to keep having sex with him forever to maintain the feeling of validation that I got from having sex with him that it's okay to be a bit of a sexual show-off because there are others out there. In fact, I think the experience will make me better able to be sexual with men who are less "cocky" because I feel less like I have to assert my right to be as "female equivalent of cocky' as I am.
Another minor point I might bring up is I wonder how one can possibly separate the desire for sexual validation from the desire for positive arousal feedback? For instance, if a guy says to me "God, that made me rock hard." it's going to give me a little kick in the ego center of my psyche but it's also going to give me quite a big kick down a bit lower. So, is my motivation the relevant factor or my confidence going into the encounter? Also, how can this really be the case given the fact that when I'm being sexual I'm usually a bit too much into the moment or flow to be thinking "If I make Move A, I am quite confident than he will respond with Arousal Enhancing Statement B, so I shall be making Move A in order to enhance my own arousal although of course I may reap the minor benefit of ego validation."
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
