Madonna/Whore Complex (part 7)

[Heywyre]

SB, I thank you for taking the time, not only to post but to actually read through my thread (I know it is a looooooong one). As much as my H has been "labelled" occasionally as narcissistic he does NOT fit into that category.

Freud believed that all of us have some narcissistic qualities in us and its a "good" thing. We need to be able to love ourselves before others. A narcissist is self-absorbed, selfish, has an excessive need for admiration and affirmation. Their narcissism usually damages their ability to live a productive or happy life because the traits manifest as severe selfishness and disregard for the needs and feelings of others - my H is none of those things. He has been told he is arrogant but that can be confused with confident, which he is. A lot of his persona comes from being very intelligent. He knows he is, and is confident about it. This can come across as being narcissistic but is it? Is it a crime to be confident about your abilities? He is not self-absorbed, he does not put others before him. Can he be inconsiderate at times? sure, we all can. But, all in all, my H is a VERY humble man. Does he have some narcissistic characteristics, yes. But not enough to describe him as being a narcissist.

Men that have M/W (and/or attachment theory - like my H) put their wives on pedestals. There are their queen and not to be "used" for sex. That would be the ultimate of disrespect (he has told the MC those very words).

He had women friends
He had women lovers
He has never (until me) had the two combined.

This is where he is having the difficulty. He does not know how to put the two together. Even the MC said this is a "perfect textbook example" of attachment. Somewhere along the way in a boy/man's life when lust turns to love and they find that partner they want to marry, the two feelings mesh together. They never did for him because he never had the feeling of bonding to begin with (his primary caregiver - his adoptive mother) therefore he had no idea whatsoever as to how to do it. He will be the first to admit that what he did was wrong (the affairs) and takes no pride in his behaviour.

As much as there are some similarities (isn't there always??) my H is definitely NOT narcissistic - but I do thank you for taking all that time to dredge through my posts.