Looking for some support

[dlt1]

Hey Dis, All good posts here. Willing's especially, as it is very thorough. Read it again and again. You have your head on straight. I know it can all fall apart when it comes to actuall doing and actual interaction. The best laid plans...
The snooping, sounds like you have a handle on this. It nearly devastated me. Worst thing I did throughout all of this. There is absolutley nothing you will find that will make you saner, happier, closer to reconciliation. I didn't get it, didn;t believe it.
I hope everyone on thsi board reads the last few days of your sitch at the very least. So many good points here. I;m taking to heart the idea that detaching does not mean not talking. Just communicating in a healthy non-controlling way.
The waiting up and wondering...I asked W to respond when I call, text, e-mail out of copurtesy. Asked that if she did not want to talk, to just text saying "got your msg." Well, this was just another way of trying o control her. And, did I really want her to txt telling me she doesn't want to talk. NO! So, let her do her thing. Honestloy ask yourself, "Can I control this?" If the answer is no, then don't pay any attention to it. You're control is over you, your moods, your outlook on life-all aspects of it. Take charge of you and what you, as an indvidual, want to do. Then do it.
Take Care,

[Willing NJ H]

Dis,

Yea, I posted after 3 to relieve my own pent up frustrations. (Like I said, I post on here until I am tired enough to go to bed.) Talking to people on here reinforces that i'm not alone, and helps me feel better.


Read the stuff that SOFAR posts. He told me the exact same thing as his last post to you, and I can't tell you how many times i've used his advice, and given it to newbies.

[Disillussioned]

Thanks for all the support So, DL and NJ.
Last night was pretty good for me. Got home and started making dinner. Actually got a txt from W saying she would be a little late as she was stopping at the mall to return something. Second txt asking if I needed anything for upcoming trip. Another txt saying that I could eat without her as it was getting late. I replied and said I would feed the kids but wait for her. This was about 6:30. Fed the kids and waited... waited and waited some more. Of course I got anxious, but I didn't pick up the phone. Excercised my self control. Just after 8, got a txt saying she was close, but stuck in traffic. When she got home, we sat down for a nice dinner. (crab cakes, yum). After dinner, watched some TV and got the kids ready for bed. Nice evening overall.

Last night I purchased the book "The Five Love Languages". I'm already most of the way through. Looks like good stuff. I saw this in Nomo's goals that he was going to find things to fill his W's 'love tank'. I'll be working hard on doing that myself.

This will probably be the last post I have for the next week. We are going to the Outer Banks, NC as a family. I'm so looking forward to this, but also a little apprehensive about so much time with the W. We'll be in the car for about 9 hours each way. I'm going to do my best to just focus on having fun with the kids. Hoping that maybe this will sink in that these things will no longer happen with a D. Just need to keep everything positive, so there is nothing to criticize. Happy, happy.

Have a good week everyone. Keep the faith and work on making each day better than the last.

[Disillussioned]

Okay,
Here in the Outer Banks. We made it in one piece even considering it was a 10 hour drive. Couple of hours into the ride, my W actually brought up the R topic. She was asking me about people I had spoken to about the situation and how the conversations had gone. Specifically she was asking about my best friend whom I've only recently told. Told her that everyone has been very supportive and that for the most part they recommend trying to work things out. When I was talking to my best friend he said almost exactly the same thing I said to the W. That we don't believe that there is only one person in the world that is your 'soul mate'. There's just too many people out there. Too many possibilities. I may be good, but I'm not the best. Not the most handsome, strongest, talented, etc. A person can keep jumping from mate to mate. Finding small improvements and never be satisfied because there may be the next person that is a little better. I ramble. The W didn't want to hear this when I told her. Too logical and we are talking about love which defies all logic.

I told her that I had bought the Five Love Languages and that I thought she should read it. Got the response I expected. Roll of the eyes. Sure... some propaganda to get us back together. Just what she doesn't want to work on right now. I told her that I thought it would be good information for her regardless of the outcome of us. Whether is helps with us or the next person, I thought it would be valuable information. We'll see if she picks it up this week.

I need to work on more control with the cell phone situation. I get suspicious everytime she picks it up. Just need to drop that.

Talking about the Love Languages book...

I'm pretty sure my W's primary language is Quality Time. Any suggestions out there on how to best fulfill this? I was working on this in the car on the way down. Trying to keep conversations going.

[DaveJ]

Talking about the Love Languages book...

I'm pretty sure my W's primary language is Quality Time. Any suggestions out there on how to best fulfill this? I was working on this in the car on the way down. Trying to keep conversations going.

I guess be available to her as best as you can and take advantage of the opportunities that are presented to you. This is really a tough one to work on since unless she wants to spend quality time with you you can't have quality time. Is she willing to spend time with you? Fortunately it's a little easier for me since my wife is Service and to an extent for all women Inspirational Words. For me it's quality time and physical intimacy. Unfortunately when you have a WAW it's really hard to get those.... I remember complaining and begging for quality time from her and in the end I end up getting less and she wanted to just stay away from me instead.

[Disillussioned]

Thanks Dave,
This is a tough one. Anytime we've talked about working on the R, she stonewalls. There are some positives though. She is still in the house with me (although I could attribute this to the kids). We are still in the same bed together (although this can be very uncomfortable at times). She did commit to this trip to the Outer Banks (again mostly for the kids). She is still willing to do things with me. I guess I just have to take advantage of every chance I get to talk (and listen) without pushing.

[DaveJ]

Right. It is definitely positive that your W is still in the house. I think it just takes time for her to open up. If you push, they push back. When they are ready they will talk. Don't bring up R if you can help it. Talk about anything else. Maybe stuff that make her feel like you are interested in her and what she wants. Create an environment where she would enjoy your company. Talking about R definitely isn't on her list of enjoyment. Just feel positive and hope for the best. I have to move out in couple weeks to start my "exile" and I've been told I can only have minimal contact with her except me visiting the kids in order for her to sort out her feelings. It absolutely kills when your primary language is quality time and physical intimacy. So you are already better off than me with your sitch. Stay positive and you'll get through this.

Oh my W has already said that "Oh you have it easy. You only have to be proactive in the chores to make me happy. I can't provide you with what you need right now because I don't have the feelings for you to do that." *sigh*

[Disillussioned]

Just wanted to post on last night and tonight.

Yesteday was pretty good for the most part. Went to the beach during the day. Had dinner. After dinner W and I were alone on the deck. She was looking off into the distance. I could see she was thinking / contemplating. Asked her what was wrong. Said I would like to be there as a friend for her to talk to. She said she felt awkward talking to me like she would one of her other close friends. Then I had a case not being able to stop my mouth. I've been wanting to apologize for several things I know have contributed to our R falling apart. I mentioned three things that I've done or not done that I know has pushed her away. She listened, but eventually left the deck and went downstairs to bedroom. I followed a little while later. She was reading a magazine. Asked her if she needed space and then left. She eventually went to sleep with daughter. I had a long talk with my sister that evening. We are staying at her house in OBX. First time I had talked to her about the situation. She approached me first. Could tell that there was something up with us.

Today, she said she was planning on going shopping at the outlets and then asked if I wanted to come along. Said I did. I was again expecting the worst. Thought she would want to talk about D on the drive there, but nothing ever came up. I was actually a very nice afternoon. After shopping, we went to the beach and I told her at some point that my sister now knew the situation. Should have left it at that, but then my mouth just kept going. Need to better control that, although she did ask what other things I had talked about with sister. I think I took a bit of a step backwards for today. I'll work on tomorrow.

[Willing NJ H]

Dis,

You and I are in the same boat. MY W is kinda reading DR, likes the concepts, not sure if she wants to use them. Has good times and convos with me and D, then retreats to her distant feelings because she's afraid to try again and thinks it will stop her from "being true to herself." I'm working on it too man, good luck. Keep working on the self control, but your doing great.

[Heimlich]

Will, Have you tried Mort Fertel's book, Marriage Fitness? It's more pragmatic about building a marriage. I found that it resonated with me. Almost all of the concepts are the same as in DBing, but the emphasis is on restoring love.

Can't remember his site, but google his name or the title and his site will come up. Decent, though repetitive, articles posted daily as well.

BD