Cog - thanks for your insight. I'll apologize in advance for the long post.
This is all just so weird.....like one of those swirly flashbacks.....
Got home from work, H was there because he watched D last night. He unloaded the dishwasher and reloaded it. (why??) but he looked so sad. I figured out last night that I've given up hope. I had hope, even with his plan. Now I have none. So I'm working on the things that need to still be split, etc. I emptied out his bathroom cabinet last night, along with the few clothes he had in the dresser and closet. I left them at the top of the stairs for him. He took them home. I have such heartburn and this stupid lump in my throat.
I remember telling him before the "plan" that if we got a divorce, he would think I didn't love him anymore because I would stop talking to him. He made me feel bad - as if I would let my pride overrule a possible reconcilliation. And now this?!
I heard this song this morning ....
Hinder - How Long?
Why'd you go and break what's already broken I try to take a breath but I'm already choking How long till this goes away I try to remember to forget you But I break down every time I do It's left me less than zero Beat down and bruised I can't see him with you Why'd you go and break what's already broken I try to take a breath but I'm already choking Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him How long till this goes away
I can't seem to get my heart over you Cause you creep into everything I do And now I'm dying to know How he touches you I can't see him with you Why'd you go and break what's already broken I try to take a breath but I'm already choking Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him How long till this goes away How long till this goes away She said she wants to be friends I took a big step back She said She said She said she's sorry With one finger I said f*** that
I can tell you're lying when your lips move Cause of one lie it's not me it's you It's left me less than zero Beat down and bruised I can't see him with you Why'd you go and break what's already broken I try to take a breath but I'm already choking Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him How long till this goes away Why'd you go and break what's already broken I try to take a breath but I'm already choking Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him How long till this goes away How long till this goes away
She said she wants to be friends I took a big step back She said She said She said she's sorry With one finger With one finger I said f*** that
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
I do wish people would stop telling me I need to find someone else. I'm SO not ready for someone else and as of right now, doubt I'll ever be ready again...
KS, don't even worry about that right now. Of course people are going to tell you to find someone else, they want you to be happy and they know how much you are hurting.
Quote:
I know now, that all I can do is work on me. I'm working on getting out of debt, getting into shape, and being the best mom I can be.
That is your focus, and they are some good goals. Keep your chin up and try not to find all of the answers right now, you will get overwhelmed.
Here is a song I have been listening to the past couple of weeks...I can relate to it, and I think you will too
Whitney Houston - Step by Step
Well there's a bridge and there's a river that I still must cross As I'm going on my journey Oh, I might be lost
And there's a road I have to follow, a place I have to go Well no-one told me just how to get there But when I get there I'll know Cuz I'm taking it
Chorus: Step By Step, Bit by Bit, Stone By Stone (Yeah), Brick by Brick (Oh, yeah) Step By Step, Day By Day, Mile by mile (ooh, ooh, ooh)
And this old road is rough and ruined So many dangers along the way So many burdens might fall upon me So many troubles that I have to face
Oh, but I won't let my spirit fail me Oh, I won't let my spirit go Until I get to my destination I'm gonna take it slowly cuz I'm making it mine
Chorus: Step By Step (you know I'm taking it), bit by bit (bit by bit, come move), stone by stone (yeah), brick by brick (brick by brick by brick by brick mmm...) Step by step (step by step uh-huh), day by day (day by day-ee), mile by mile (ooh), go your own way.
Say it, baby, don't give up You got to hold on to what you got, Oh, baby, don't give up, You got to keep on moving on don't stop (yeah yeah). I know you're hurting, and i know you're blue, i know you're hurting but don't let the bad things get to you.
Chorus: I'm taking it step by step (ohohoh), bit by bit (bit by bit come move), stone by stone (stone by stone yeah), brick by brick (brick by brick by brick by brick), Step by step (i'm gonna take it now),day by day (day by day-ee), mile by mile (ooh), go your own way!
(c'mon baby got to keep moving), i'm taking it step by step), bit by bit, stone by stone (yeah, stone by stone), brick by brick c'mon baby, step by step keep on moving, day by day (day by day-ee), mile by mile by mile by mile,go your own way, c'mon baby got to keep moving, bit by bit (bit by bit, bit by bit)....
random thoughts....and my blog....I wish I didn't feel like throwing up all the time. My emotions are still so raw and so close to the edge. Stupid things make me tear up or cry. When will this end???????
10:52 AM - and lyrics...... Current mood: disappointed Category: Blogging
It's funny. I've been thinking about so many things. So many emotions going through my mind. Every second it seems to change. Makes it hard to feel "normal"....
I have anger, sadness and I've lost hope & faith in someone. I never thought that would happen. I guess we're human. We're not supposed to put our faith in others, but damn it I did. And I feel foolish for that. I believed.
I forgot -- I wanted to add this too. It's funny. One day I was in church during worship service and had this vision. It was like a dream, but I was wide awake, singing. (possibly scared folks nearby but...)
So - in this vision, I was standing, worshipping. And he walks up behind me, puts his hand on my shoulder and says "sorry it took me so long to get here"......made me cry and still does. WHY do I get a vision like that......how do you continue to hold out hope when you're told there's nothing left there? The love that needs to be there, isn't? How do you hold out hope after something like that?
Anyhow - moreKelly Clarkson.....Sober.
And I don't know This could break my heart or save me Nothing's real Until you let go completely So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
Three months and I'm still sober Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers But I know it's never really over
And I don't know I could crash and burn but maybe At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right No comparing, second guessing, no not this time
Three months and I'm still breathing Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know It's never really over, no
Wake up
Three months and I'm still standing here Three months and I'm getting better yeah Three months and I still am
Three months and it's still harder now Three months I've been living here without you now Three months yeah, three months
Three months and I'm still breathing Three months and I still remember it Three months and I wake up
Three months and I'm still sober Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
still feel like throwing up, but am also angry. I had texted a few times that we need to split up our bills and discuss visitation, holidays with D, etc.
No freaking reply. Nothing at all since Thursday night. Why does that make me hate him? It's just so easy for him to throw 13 years away.
Lots of anger......
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
The first sign of independence for me was not caring whether or not my W responded. If i asked for something and she didnt respond, I progressed the way that I wanted to.
Start splitting your bills the way that you want to do it if he is failing to respond. If he continues to not go to change the cable, simply mail call them and change the billing address to wherever he is living and let him deal with it. You have divorce papers to show that you are not responsible for that bill anymore and if he doesnt pay it and it gets shut off, you can have it turned on in your name at that point.
That stomach ache and crap, is about you knowing what steps you must take now and being scared to take them. Just leap UA, do what you know you need to do and you will start to feel better and better.
The bills are split - they're all mine. But two things are in his name. I also need to know what holidays he wants - Halloween, etc. because those are important to me....and I don't know if they are to him...
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
KS, have you tried calling the company directly? maybe they can just switch to your name, w/o needing him to call? not sure if that is possible, but worth a shot if you haven't tried.
as for holidays, maybe make out a fair sounding schedule and e-mail it to him. I did that way back when we first separated. I know, way ahead of myself there, but holidays are important to me and I wanted to sort them out (also, gave me control over something, when I had so little elsewhere).
good luck.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I'll apologize in advance for the long post.