Nomopo's Thread - Is something happening to me?

[Nomopo]

Ok, continuing trying to catch up to some of the earlier posts.

L2:

You have a right to feel really angry about what's going on (to you and especially to your kids). I'd question your judgment if you didn't have these feelings. Now, I may be the last person to offer advice on this (i may be the biggest Sucker (with a capital S) in the world for hanging in my sitch for such a looong time), but I don't want you to confuse needing to take a timeout and slowly recharge your batteries, with the need to throw in the towel.

I am not throwing in the towel. I know it may sound like that, but it isn't really. I still want to save my M. I really do. It's just that I am seeing things, my W and our R and my needs, in a different light. It's hard to explain and I don't know if I fuuly understand it. But, at least at this point, I would like nothing more than for things to truly work out.

I still feel like the fact that the fact that you and your W are both clearly very bright and accomplished complicates this whole process...I had a counselor once who worked extensively with academics (not unlike attorneys) and who said they were often incredibly hard to work with because of how much they thought about and intellectualized things... ring any bells?

Could be. I guess I take some comfort in the fact that now that I have givn W this information about where I am, I can return to DBing. For me right now, that means focusing very much on me and my kids, and taking care of our needs. It means again giving W time and space to do whatever it is she is going to do. It means being her friend, trying to "be nice," which I think is so critical for her, but all the while not chasing or persuing or otherwise undermining the message (which, importantly, is true) that I am possibly moving on, starting to feel detached, and feeling confident about myself and my sitch.

(N.B. Just as a random thought, I'm guessing you are not a baseline player (not a 'pusher', at least not in tennis I'm betting you're a serve and volley kind of guy...

This made me smile because (1) you obviously are a player and (2) you are absolutely right. Sounds like you think I may be trying to force things. Could be. But one way to look at what has happened in the past 24 hours is I "did something different" or "did a 180," and now I will return to the regularly scheduled DB programming, with the one big change (that needs to be consistently demonstrated) being that I am no longer acting like or projecting to W that I will bend over backwards or do anything in a desperate attempt to save this M, thus enabling her to do nothing. She may do nothing still (or worse), but hopefully not because she thinks I will always be there waiting at her feet. Make sense?

I'll just put one more thing out there as food for thought... I've seen lots of LBS (esp guys it seems) mention how they don't believe that their WAS will ever meet their needs, and that they know there's 'someone' out there for them...maybe there is, but i don't think it's as straight forward as that. When we have a history, and esp. a family, with someone, it's an every day choice for us to make that decision/that willingness to compromise (I think i recall Slowly writing a great post to you on that...)

I agree. I don't think moving on is or will be easy. And I stil prefer to work on saving (and will do a lot to save) my M. I honestly don't know how long that will last. Could be 2 more weeks. Could be 2 more years. My C thinks it may be coming to that point. I'm not so sure. I stil sort of have this year end date in my mind as a good time to seriously re-evaluate things. We'll see I guess.

Thanks L2!

Hello Sara. Thanks for stopping by.

SD:

My question for you (actually for myself as well): Could this be what detaching really feels like?

I think it is. Let me say that I think you are much further along in this process than I am. I do not wake up wishing my W was gone. Not yet anyway, and I doubt any time soon.

Hello WC. Your post made me laugh.

Maybe you know, on some instinctive level, that the only way your W will wake up to the reality of the sitch is if you give her what it is she thinks she wants, but you are worried about other people's opinions of you and don't want to be seen as "giving up".

The first part entered my mind, but I don't think it was my primary motivator, just a potentially very nice side effect. The last clause, about me being worrid what other think, hmmmm. That could very well explain all my postings on this topic.

In any case: I love you, man. Please let me know if there is anything you think I could do to help.

You're going to be okay, no matter what. I know it. And, if you ever want to go about 800 miles east, I'll be glad to treat you to the best Sushi in town.

Thanks WC!

Puddle - we are becoming pretty good friends, huh?

It's scary to feel something new and not be able to define it rationally.

Yeah, there's lot's scary about this whole mess we're in.

Your C thinks your window is closing, and s/he may be right. The timeline is interesting, too: 4--6 weeks sounds pretty precise. I assume s/he arrived at that based on previous experience; who knows where you'll fall in (or outside) there.

Yes, it is based on her experience. Personally, I think it will be a while before I am done, but I don't know for sure. I do feel different about the whole thing. One positive about the change in feelings is I feel MUCH more detached on the OM issue. I don't really care if she is seeing him or not (at least right now ). If she wants to spend this next week with him, knock yourself out. This is good because I burned way too much energy on the OM issue for a long time.

I'm not in your shoes, and I'm at an earlier stage, certainly. I have the same question SD does:

Could this be what detaching really feels like?

I'm not sure where the line is between detaching and moving on in our own minds/hearts. How is it possible to be committed to saving your R when you're detached? It sounds like pure will, void of all emotion. No one wants to act on emotion, but we surely feel it. When we're detached and stop feeling it, where's the motivation? Or is detachment a strategy we use, or a trick we play on ourselves, so that when/if W/H comes around, we can plug back in to our desire to fix the M? Maybe that's the line your C referred to.

I don't know the answers to all of this. Detachment has been the hardest thing for me to understand. I think you can't control it, and you can't understand it until it has happened. I would say that C thinks you can't just choose to plug back into your R once you've crossed that line - at least not so easily.

You say you're "mourning the loss of your M," and that sounds like moving on to me.

Maybe. But maybe not. Even if we were to turn things around right now, there is plenty to mourn. We have lost a lot already. In fact, there was lots about our M to mourn when she dropped the bomb; I just didn't know it. And I am definitely mourning the effect on my kids (and maybe my whole family - parents, etc.).

Maybe walkingcliche is right and you intellectualize to your detriment. I wonder the same about me. I wonder if I'm not intellectualizing myself right out the door.

That is definitely a possibility/risk. Maybe I can think less over the next few weeks. I'll be curious where things stand by October 1.

How do you feel about your C's timeline? Are you feeling anxious to move on, maybe get some relief from all this?

Not really. I feel different. I shared this info with W. It may or may not have an effect, so I will be monitoring, but I will not do the things that would undercut the message to my W that I am not sure I want to work on the M.

I think another part of me feels like I would be upset with myself if I found out that if I had just been patient things would work out.

And how, pray tell, would you find that out?

Not sure. I guess I was thinking if we did move on, and somewhere down the line W came around but it was too late.

And I know I'm not alone in hoping you stick around: your steady voice is a blessing here.

Thanks Puddle (and bella). I plan to stick around.

Hi Kat!

I am sad about where my sitch it now, but I actually have felt much better since I have crossed this line. Partly, I think it is because I have taken back some of the power I gave up and partly because I am focused on me instead my H, which is much less frustrating.

This makes sense to me. I know the shift in power feels good at the moment, but I suspect that will pass or dull.

Hello Will! This was AWESOME! Well done, and could very well be what I am going through.

I think it is detachment, but I think it is also a stage of our emotions. In the beginning, we were and emotional mess. We found DBing, and started learning the methods. DBing gave us hope, and we were willing to pour our hearts into the process. The changes come and go, but we have a hard time seeing them. When we explain things, other DBers show us the positives, and places we can improve. I think we are now at different stages of hopelessness. We want DBing to work, but aren't sure that it will work for us. We want to be with our S again, but are mad at/upset with/resenting them right now, as things seem to be going no-where fast. We are getting bothered by the things our spouses do, and upset with their lack of actions when it comes to our M's. The thoughts of our children are entering our mind, and the reality of our future with them (and their future in general) is throwing our emotions into a whirlwind. We want our M's to work, we want our children to have a solid family, we want to see our kids every day when they wake and go to sleep, and we want to enjoy a comfortable loving life where we don't have to hurt or worry anymore. I think it's a part of the process, and something that we have to learn to deal with.

I'm sure that this is a point when many people give up, but it's not the time for me.

Me either.

I think that, as always with DBing, we are the only one's that can decide what's right for us. We need to make our decisions with a clear and sound mind however, and not make them when we are emotional/distraught.

Yep. It's hard for me to see how telling W what I did in C yesterday wil make things worse, but it could. Of course, I hope it helps.

NOMO, you've been at this harder than any of us. I read one of your posts a few weeks ago stating that you needed a break and were burnt out. I wonder if you do need a bit of a break (at home and on DBing), and that maybe your efforts are one of the things that are getting to you. You give wonderful advice, and are always there for all of us, but are you taking good enough care of you?

Fair questions. I plan tp try to decompress for a while (and then stay more decompressed.

My only concern is that your journals seem "stale" (for lack of a better term), but not negative.

That is a fascinating comment, and I understand (now) why you say it. Thanks.

I don't think it's your time either (judging by your posts), but I do think your going through a tough time (which your more than entitled to) and will start feeling more neutral/optimistic in time. I may be very off right now, but we all need a shove sometimes. Keep your head up bro, I think you have more fight in you.

Thanks again Will. Great stuff!

Ok. Need to finish packing. Did I mention I am taking the kids to Disney World today? Back Later!

Nomo