Beginning to piece or something else?

[ediemarie]

Look, I don't want to give the impression that I know exactly what to do in this sitch, I don't. My situation certainly isn't stellar, but it is looking up. I would just encourage you to really figure out what you want (in terms of your marriage) and then take steps to get there.

Your situation is missing goals and boundaries. I feel like you are all over the place. You are taking advice from any source in a willy-nilly sort of style and are applying it to fit your sitch in a positive manner. That's not reality. Now that you have your H's attention you can begin to apply the strategies in DR/DB. Step 1 is to think with a beginners mind and set some goals. Do that. Perhaps a good place to start in thinking about that is by determining what your ideal marriage is - what does that look like? Maybe list 5 top things you want in your marriage. Now, set some goals to begin to reach those top 5 things. Guaranteed there are things you could do there that focus on you.

IMO, one could justify any action he/she takes in his/her life by gathering opinions from various sources. I feel like you are having sex with your H because you feel it is the only R you CAN have with him, because it is the only R he is offering you. I don't believe that you are having sex with your H because Michelle Warner Davis said it was ok. It appears you are doing it because you desperately want an R with this man. And you don't feel ok with it - that's where the boundaries come in. If you are uncomfortable with it, don't do it. It seems as if your H has set you up as his "friend with benefits" rather than treating you with the utmost respect. I do think it's a positive sign that you are having sex in that this was a problem in your marriage, but keep in mind that some men have a difficult time having sex in the marriage, but no problem having it outside the marriage (commitment issues, and my H has that EXACT problem). But, let me say that if you are OK with how things are going right now, then there is no better person to have sex with then your h. I just get the impression that you aren't happy with this.

I hear you about the R talk and generally I agree with DR/DB about not bringing it up. In my sitch, I don't bring it up. Things are tenuous right now between H and I, to say the least. BUT, he is sleeping at home in our bed and so am I. We still have a place together, he claims to have stopped seeing OW, he's working on his issues (I see it daily), he is doing kind and considerate things for me, he is saying kind things, he really is being loving - I don't want to push him away and make him feel like what he is doing isn't enough so I don't bring up the R. But from time to time he does. And when he does I talk with him about it. The difference is that I don't really feel like I'm being mistreated by him. I think you feel like you are being mistreated by your H. I don't think that you should have a full blown R talk with him, as I said in post 1. I think he would freak out and bail, but I do think it's ok for you to ask "what are your thoughts on what is going on here with us?" Just be prepared for him to say "I don't know, I don't really think about it. I'm happy doing what we're doing." Are you ok with hearing that? If so or if not, how are you going to react then?

Lastly, take your new R slowly - really slowly. I mean imagine slow and then slow it down some more. I can't believe how slowly things are moving with my H and I and yet I still feel at times that it is too fast. You can never observe enough or listen enough - truly listen to his words and deeds - what message is he sending? Is it one you want to receive?

The Piecing road is longer than you would think...

EM