Oh help. I'm feeling more confused than ever, and I'm not sure I did the right thing.
Went to dinner with DH, just for fun, let's have fun! Today he'd sent me an email saying he thinks he should be on an allowance, wants to spend a big chunk of money. I said, sure, let's talk about it. As soon as we sat down he brought it up. I said, well, we've got the money and we've never put restrictions on each other before, so why the allowance? I want an IPod. Maybe dumb dumb dumb. He said sure, get yourself an IPod, you don't need to ask, but that it felt strange to spend money "outside the family." I thought duh, he wants to spend it on his crush (whom I will now refer to as the OW. Damn.). I started to feel lightheaded and lost my appetite. It went like this, all quite calm, no snideness (honest):
Me: So when you're talking about spending money on other women, you think you should have a limit. DH: I always have a hard time spending money on himself, like when I goes out with my friends. Me: I spend money out with my friends; do you think I should have an allowance, too? DH: No, that's fine. Maybe it's just me. Me: I've never questioned you spending money before. Do what you think is right.
At this point it didn't really matter. My PMA was shot to hell, and all I wanted to do was go to the bathroom and cry (which I did later). I made some small talk, asked him about something at work this week, told him something funny about the kids. He was responsive, but didn't start any conversation himself. Oh, not true: He asked if I was on a diet, since I was eating like a bird. (Note to self: new trick is picking up tiny bits, but keep eating.)
When we left, he asked if there was some reason I wasn't bringing anything up. I said like I'd told him, I was happy to listen to anything he wanted to talk about.
So here's my problem. He's expecting me to talk about it, to ask him questions (like, "What the f*** was up with..." in his words), to tell him how I'm feeling. He's ready for the R talk, but I have no idea what to say. What to say?
Eventually I said, "From what you've told me, you see two options: staying in an unhappy R or leaving and having a chance at happiness." He disagreed, said the R isn't the problem. I rephrased. Then I said, "I see another possibility, though I know you don't. Making this R the one we both want and deserve. You don't agree with that, and I respect your choice."
He argued again it's not about the R, it's not about me. Said if he decided he absolutely wanted someone of another ethnicity, I couldn't do anything about it. He sees no possibility not even of change, but that change would matter at all. He said he didn't see the point of going into it just to rip my heart out.
I said, "Given what's at stake, I want be sure I've exhausted every possibility before I give up, so that I know I did everything remotely possible." He said, "Sure."
At some point he said he felt like he'd been living in black and white and suddenly found all this color. I said I wished he'd come to me with this clear new understanding about what he wants so that we could've tried to get there together. No response.
I mentioned again the doubts I'd had about us when I had a crush on someone a few months ago---a huge, scary thing for me. I told him (again) that I'd realized then that I wanted a different kind of relationship, but I also realized that it wasn't a choice between someone else and happiness or my family, but that I could build the R I wanted *and* keep my family together. He said, "So it's family over all?" I said, "No, that's not what I meant. Yes, family first for me, but it doesn't have to be either/or."
That was the end of it. We got home, he wasn't looking at me, so I got out. I said, "Thanks for dinner." He snorted, and I went for a walk. When I came back around half an hour later, he was sitting in the car crying. Another half an hour later, he drove off.
So he's expecting a big R talk, where I ask him questions, tell him how I feel, etc, basically to get a clear picture, I guess, so I can move on. He wants to talk about money, whether/what/when we tell the kids, whom else do we tell (parents, etc), etc etc. I'm not there yet. Honestly, I'd love to yell at him and tell him he's being a blind, immature, selfish bastard and that he can't profess to love his children and be willing to hurt them. And lots more. But I don't know what to say.
He says last week (it was really two weeks ago +) I cried, then I told him I'd listen and that I choose to be happy, and that I might never forgive him, then I said I wasn't ready to talk about how much honesty I wanted regarding someone else, and since then it's just la la la, working out, having fun. I understand his confusion. He's waiting for an explosion.
I've been spending so much energy on me and how I can get him to come around, and he just feels so very gone, utterly lost to me. In his own mind he's done, and he wants to talk logistics. And I just feel sick.
I know I'm rambling and incoherent. Does anyone have any advice? I'm a mess.
