Sorry this happened. I, of course, don't have all the answers. I belong in Piecing too, but I spend most of my time in Infidelity.
While I know this is depressing, phone and internet contact isn't the same as seeing her and having sex. If this is all it was, I don't think it's as bad as a full-blown affair. But I understand where you are coming from, that it was supposed to be over. Will it ever be over?
My sitch is on this board in several places, but I'll recap it briefly. I've been married 27 years. We were fairly unhappy in the marriage for about the past 20 years...Since the children were young. But we just kept going, because that's what you do. My H began an internet/phone affair with his old girlfriend from before I met him last summer, and by November they were stealing away for weekends together. I caught it on what I believe was the second of their little honeymoons. I confronted him with the cell phone bills and demanded that he stop. He said he would. 2 weeks later I checked the bill again, and they were talking daily. I gave her phone number to my angry 23 year old son, and asked him to call and say whatever he wanted. So he called her at 9 in the morning and threatened her if she didn't stop the affair. So she broke up with my husband that day.
We tried to get along and put our lives back together after that, but it was not working too well. First it was hard to get him sexually interested in me again. Then we would have a week of good days, and try a relationship talk, and be ready to kill each other. So we knew it was the end.
We signed up for a Retrouvaille weekend, and went in January. We had a lot of breakthroughs at the weekend, and came home more like the people we were 27 years ago when we got married, than the people who went in. We continued through Feb. and March with the Retrouvaille Post sessions, and by mid-March we were graduates. We were officially turned around.
Jean, it worked. We have not had one argument since the weekend in January! (Believe me, that's a miracle.) If your husband says he will do anything, make him promise to do a Retrouvaille weekend. They teach you how to communicate effectively, how to argue constructively, how to see the best in each other. The website is http://www.retrouvaille.org, with locations and dates of the weekends. If you're not into religion, don't let that throw you off. It is a Catholic program, but they don't emphasize that component. It really is all about making your marriage better by learning to communicate your feelings in a positive way.
They will make it clear at the weekend that he needs to completely end contact with her and devote himself to the marriage. And when you go through the dialogue technique that they teach you, and talk about your past together and your hopes for the future, he will want to focus only on the marriage.
I am a broken record here on the board, telling everyone to try Retrouvaille. I do it because for me it was a miracle. And I wish this same miracle for all the people who are in pain.
