Not sure where to start. Been married 13 years. After incessant bickering and arguments, she declared, "you can forget about having sex with me, EVER." That was Spring 2001, when the kids were 6 and 5. By 2004, I had called the cops twice to get her to stop verbally abusing and emasculating me (she even did this in front of a female officer :-/ with contempt dripping from her lips). I had taken it long enough and started to respond in kind when she ripped into me over asking her to grow up and be responsible (we married in our late 20's for heavenssake). A bad mistake, because now the kids weren't saying, "...that's just mom." They were actually getting upset over the arguments. (I still hate myself for allowing myself to be dragged into that form of communication...)
In Sept '06 she laid the trap and got me out of the house with an OP that took me 9 months to clear (I never threatened her and she couldn't bring a consistent 'story' of how I did threaten or posed a threat). Although my yelling at her that she should stop disrespecting me in front of the kids, did not rise to the level of an offense, I am, nonetheless out of my home, out of my kids' lives and desperately trying to keep it together at work and in the community.
A GAL was appointed, that has taken the side of mother, due to the kids being systematically directed by their mother to look at life with dad as dreadful, or whatever she's putting in their young minds. They had the gall to put the older one on the stand (the judge did not like this, particularly, since it was easy to show how much coaching the child had been exposed to). I cried like a fool, hearing my son say things that were taken out of context and extremely heightened. So what, the judge saw through it. I felt like someone was tearing my heart, lungs and stomach right out of my chest. Because the child has no idea what is going on nor how manipulated, contrived and scripited the testimony was.
To date I have not reached them by phone since Thanksgiving, thought the court order is phone communication 2x per wk. No calls for the holidays, birthdays, Father's day, nothing. Of course the answer to the judges question on the lack of communication is, "...there are issues." ISSUES! That is the word accepted by the judge, to allow this to happen. He doesn't exactly condone it, he just says to the attorneys, "work it out."
Since it takes two to tango, the GAL has not "danced" with my attorney to have the children communicate with me, not even with supervised visitation...
No longer care about the R with the W. I've denied myself the benefit of a real M, the intimacy, sharing of successes, failures, fears, discoveries, etc. for so long, that I feel dead inside. Was there and caring and nurturing for the kids, but I got nothing from W and now losing the kids feels so devastating, it's even affecting my work relationships and social contacts, events, church, etc.
People are noticing (after 6 years, I can't keep up the facade any longer). Its too much to deal with the loss, humiliation, shame and failure to keep an intact family, when I was always looked upon as a pillar in church, a leader in the commuinty and a resource to those needing help, encouragement, guidance, an uplifting word or a viable referral to help of any sort...
I'm dying on the outside and it scares the hell out of me.
