Thank you so much for your response and no, I did not take any of it as being harsh at all. I really want honest feedback and I definitely appreciated your words.
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) Though he is your husband, you are having an intimate relationship with someone that you really don't have an R with. Are you comfortable with this? Based on your post, I don't think you are. The very fact that you have asked the question leads me to believe that you have a problem with this but think you have to do it to maintain any R with him. This is not healthy for you! YOU DESERVE THE COMMITMENT FROM HIM.
Yes, I have had major questions around this area. Here is where I was thinking in continuing this aspect w/o the commitment. Michelle talks about having sex w/ the WAS and she said that it can often bring the estranged couple closer together (even w/o the commitment), but that if you feel like you are not ok w/ this, then not to do it. Also, I didn't mention this above, but sex was a problem w/ us before b/c I worked a lot and we did not have sex as much as we would both like. So as things have progressed over the last few months, I have thought, "ok, he talked to me more this time than before, so maybe this is working".... but I would never do this w/ another person, so this has been going through my mind. I think I decided to finally post this situation, b/c I feel like we have been proceeding like this long enough and it has made me wonder if we will stay in this cycle and never move to the next step (or preferably, the first step!) --- the commitment!
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) Are you OK with someone "trying you on for size"? I'll say it again, YOU DESERVE THE COMMITMENT FROM HIM.
No, I agree! I have read though through this site and other places, that the WAS will sort of test the waters, sometimes for quite awhile b/c they may not be quite be sure of their true feelings, especiallly after separation. So, in reading about that, I have thought that this may be what is happening here... but then I don't know for sure b/c we haven't actually talked about that part.
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) Not only do you deserve the commitment, you deserve an explanation, an apology, a remorseful attitude, a plan for the future, common understanding of R goals, an actual date, him to buy you dinner - and that is just on Day 1 of him being back in your life. On Day 2 you deserve that and action behind his words.
When reading DB reconcilliation stories throughout this site, most everyone always credits not bringing up the R talk and letting the WAS initiate this discussion. Also, I read that you may not always get the apology right away or a real explanation of what happened to the R in the first place. Sooo... when taking all of that into account, I'm thinking "I'm decreasing his pressure by reminding him of why we came together in the first place, w/o further pressure from me." Also, we were best friends for 3 years before we ever dated (we've been together as friends and a couple for 16 years), so I'm 'thinking' that I'm rekindling that friendship (of course we never had sex and were married when we were friends!!), so maybe this is a good thing....
Hopefully, now you can see why I am so confused after reading the above. I'm trying to take all of the suggestions, advice and experience from so many areas and trying to apply it here. Also, b/c I finally seem to have him pursuing me (more), I'm thinking I shouldn't mess w/ anything... so basically I'm afraid to take that next step.
I really appreciate your further help here.... what I'm thinking I will do is to ask "what are your thoughts on what is going on here with us?" And then see where things go w/ that. Strangely enough, it has occurred to me a couple of times that he might even think that I don't want more of a relationship w/ him and just want things to stay as they are. That sounds weird, but he made some interesting comments to me when he texted me last week: (something like this...)
Me: I can't come over until after 8:30 pm b/c I have plans until then. H: Oh, you sound too busy. Me: No, just plans until then. H: So were are you going until then? Me: Not 100 % sure exactly, somewhere w/ friends. H: Oh H: Well, I may not be here afterall at 8:30 pm either Me: Oh, I hope so! H: Why? Me: What do you mean? H: Why do you hope so? Me: You are being silly, of course it's b/c I enjoy seeing you! H: Why? Me: Are you kidding with me or serious? H: Oh, I'm just kidding you! Me: Good! B/c I hope you know I wanted to see you!
Later on, I asked him if he was joking or serious and he said "oh, I was just joking around with you." It seems like he may want to talk to me about R (or maybe my imagination) and he is afraid for some reason.
Sorry to seem as if I'm making excuses for my situation b/c I'm definitely not intentionally trying to go there... just apparently very dense!
