There and Back, #2

[LL44]

morgan and mkultra, awesome job on the smaller sizes. I was wondering if your H's have noticed/said anything. I have dropped 20 pounds in the last 4 weeks (Yep, stress diet, but I say otherwise too LOL) and I know H has to notice, but hasn't said anything. Everyone at work gushes about it. HMPH

morgan, I totally agree, we should feel proud about fighting for what we believe in. But why do I feel like a chump most of the time?

[SallyM]

yay mk, that is great! and lwb, yeah, lost 10lbs in about a minute when the bomb first dropped. I called it my "h is f-ing a whore" diet. lol. and yeah, h noticed right away. our h's are going to be so bummed, seeing what hotties they left behind.

just did some closet re-arranging. went thru my clothes...need to do some fall shopping soon. going to buy stuff, like my new skirt and my new jeans, that make me feel pretty. figure if I'm pretty on the outside, and keep working on me on the inside, I'll be doing okay.

I'll miss summer, but going to do what is inevitable here in the northeast, and embrace the changes.

here's a new thing to resent H for, though. I LOVE sleeping with the windows open when it starts getting cooler at night. I love throwing on extra covers and snuggling down in them, and having the cold, fresh air drift thru the room while I'm sleeping. but now that I'm alone, I don't feel safe, somehow, sleeping with the windows open. I don't live in a high crime area or anything, but still, just not comfortable with it, so I close them and lock them up tight every night.

bastard. he took that away from me. add it to the list.

grumble grumble grumble

well, in spite of that, I'm glad you ladies are looking forward to fall, too, and that we are all going to embrace it, not sit and wallow. well, not all the time, anyway.

here's to apple picking, and hayrides, and pumpkin patches. here's to the crunch of leaves under our feet, and cozy sweaters. here's to cute boots and smaller jeans. here's to candlelight and the smell of cinnamon and homemade soups. here's to new pencils and those pink erasers. here's to all the good things life has to offer, because ya know what, there is more to life than H's, and we aren't going to miss a minute of it.

[SallyM]

can someone explain why, when the kids are with H, I still wake up at 6:30???? why, why, why???? I have every intention of sleeping in. at least make it till 7 or so. so what on earth am I doing up?

busy day today. off to the gym in a bit (since I'm already up and all), then need to finish some stuff around here. this afternoon I'm off to my friend in NH's house. He's having a huge bbq, can't wait. brushing up on my don't-talk-about-R-to-other-people skills. lol. there will be quite a few people there that I do not know, so this will be a challenge in another way...normally I have H to rely on to remember names. not sure what is wrong with me, but usually takes 3 meetings for me to remember anyone's name. H, on the other hand, remembers them instantly. will have to work on that.

[SallyM]

back from the gym, had a great workout. really enjoyed myself. but now I'm back home and that freaking breeze is coming thru my windows again.

dammit, I will not shut the windows. but this just sucks, it does. amazing how stupid little things like this hit me like a 2x4.

okay, enough moaning. its a beautiful day, I'm going to turn it into my own.

[LL44]

Moan all you want. I just moaned on my thread. I hope you have fun at the BBQ. Treat it as an escape and enjoy yourself. We have to realize that we are worthwhile people, people that others find interesting and fun. Our H's may not make us feel like that, so its good for us to remember.



Do NOT close the windows!! Let that breeze freshen up your house and your mind.

[SallyM]

thanks, lwb. I have to admit, though, I'm starting to talk myself out of going. I don't know why, but I am. don't need to leave for an hour or so, but I don't know, somehow I'm just not sure I am up for it.

[SallyM]

spiraling hard here. omg, not good. help. oh god, help.

I ended up heading up to the bbq. about 1/3 of the way there, I called to say goodnight to the kids...early, but otherwise I'd probably miss it and didn't want to.

called H's cell, since I figured they weren't at his mom's house this early. well, turns out, he wasn't with them. he was all day, don't get me wrong, but he wasn't now...they were with his mom. he was going out...to an "event." guess that's code for f-ing ow. quite the event, that.

I lost it. literally. started bawling. I miss my kids when they are gone. I miss them so much it hurts. yes, I do enjoy some me time, and am actually enjoying many of my gal activities. but omg, I was so hurt...for 2 reasons. 1, that he was going out, and I know it was with her, and 2, because I wasn't given the choice of getting my kids back early.

I went OFF on him. and he actually felt sincerely bad. thought he was doing a nice thing by not telling me, by having his mom watch the kids so I could go on with my plans, no problem. but H, it was about having the CHOICE. and he did apologize, but I just lost it anyway.

DB got thrown out the window so far and so hard you all probably heard the thud. I asked every single question that shouldn't be asked...I asked R questions up and down the block. I asked wtf were we doing, I went off about the suspicions i had about OW, and on and on and on and on. think of a question, I guarantee I asked it. he got pissed...I held my own for a long time, stayed calm, didn't get sucked in to the puppetmaster's strings, for a while. I had a response for everything...every twist and turn he tried to pull. every single time he tried to throw it back on me, I threw it right back on him. I called him on even doing that.

then he hit me with the 2x4. hard. omg, sucked the wind right out of me. told me that therapy has been awful for him, because its not bringing up the good stuff in our marriage, its bringing up all the bad stuff...all my inadequecies that he should have seen coming long ago, all the things that should have told him I/we were a mistake. omg, that hurt. because you know what, I do exactly the opposite...I think of all the things that were wonderful. all the things that are worth saving.

I lost it completely. pulled into a rest area and bawled my eyes out. called my therapist, who, god love her, called me right back. have I mentioned I love my therapist? she is awesome, don't know where I would be without her. She was great, and reminded me of something we had talked about long ago. love her analogies. this particular one is about house shopping...when you narrow it down between 2, and finally make the choice, you have to try to concentrate on the bad stuff on the other house, or you'll drive yourself crazy with regret. well, that's what H is doing. he's doing that, and also trying to justify his own actions...that he has no choice, because I'm such a heinous wife and such. he's trying to justify his actions to his himself and his therapist.

makes perfect sense, I calm down, remember its not about me, all is good, right? except that it isn't. I'm a mess now, I am calmer, but still having awful crying bouts, so I call my friends and tell them I'm turning around, I just can't go tonight. I'm too volatile. they tried to talk me into coming still, but I just couldn't, so here I am again at home.

all that is enough, right? but it isn't over...the spiral continued. on the way home I tried calling H again...I knew it was wrong, but I did. and he didn't answer...and that pissed me off more than anything else. so I tried again. and again. and finally I left a VM stating that I was heading over to OW's house, would be there shortly, since he wasn't picking up the phone. said I'd wait for them to get home, should they not even be there. and yeah, it was a total bluff.

2 minutes later, he called back. lol.

not so much laughing. I was very calm, but just...done. and I know I should never do something in anger. and I know I shouldn't have done this, and I knew it even as the words were coming out of my mouth. I told him that when bonus comes in mid-sept, we need to sit down and figure out the logistics...that I was done, and that he has lost something really good here. that he can demonize me all he wants in order to justify his own actions, but that I was worth more, and I was not going to take it anymore. I went on and on about him seeing her (suspicions) and how I am worth more than any of that. he tried to lie about it, which is funny, because why lie at this point? minimally I know he has her keys, so that alone is enough. it is, it really is. I told him straight out, this isn't want I want, none of it is, but that I need to let go of all the good memories, at least for now. I need to learn to let go. and I need to realize that every single concrete thing that he has shown me has shown me that he doesn't want me anymore, that he doesn't want this life anymore, and that I need to let go of the fantasy of him coming home, of us being a whole family again.

he tried to put it all on me...why was I doing this, etc. But H, and I told him this, I'm not the one doing it. he is. his choices. all of them are his choices. but i don't have to put up with them anymore, and I can't. I just can't. Its killing me. I told him I would make sure the kids never knew what happened, that they would be okay, that they would see him as much as possible, and that I would be there for them and be as good a mom as I can be. I will try to make up for the fact that they are cheated out of a whole family by loving them as much as possible, by making them feel as okay as I can. I told him that I would make sure I was happy, too. and this isn't making me happy, none of it is, but I WILL be happy again someday.

so, bad db-er. bad, bad db-er. omg, what a mess.

[Nugget]

I think you did well. I can not see how anyway could not lose it when faced with dealing with another person involved with your spouse. He needs to know how you feel and you need to stand up for yourself. Do not let him him bully and try to belittle you. He is only doing it to justify his actions with OW. What a dog!

[LL44]

Oh morgan! I am so glad I came on tonight (almost went straight to bed when I got home). Sometimes there are times for a blow out. Things have to come to a head, especially when one person is sucking it up-us. And the other person is in denial, and doesn't want to talk about it at all because it reminds him of what he has become. I think you handled it totally well. And sometimes you need to have answers or at least hear what he has to say. And boy, you did hear it, huh? I can't be sorry enough. Man, our weekends have sucked haven't they? You told him the most important things, that you don't want this, but you won't take it anymore. You did everything right, I am just so very sorry how hurt you got in the process. I'll be thinking of you tonight.

[mkultra]

Amen Morgan! I know you feel regret over losing your cool but hell, you were honest. That is the truth. He is such an ass. BUT, big but, we have to give him the benefit of the doubt on the mom babysitting thing. He probably can be selfish, but do not focus on that. He did expect you to go out. I KNOW it sucks that you did not have that choice but imagine if you were together. He probably would have done something stupid like that just because he is a dude and they do not think like us. Stupid. No offence to any dudes out there. If anything you kind of did a 180 tonight by showing a lot of passionate emotions! Lately you have been accomodating and cool, tonight you stood your ground, got all Mama Bear and let the sh$# hit the fan. Oh well. You need to take some power too!