Doesn't thank me for running the dishwasher, just asks me if I ran it and why I didn't put those dishes in the sink. Gee, never thought about it Wifey.
She's done this a lot over the years. Her biggest complaint is that I don't show initiative around the house. Yet it's snippy comments like this that really make me not want to.
Your W sounds like me in my M. I would do the same thing with my W. And you know what? She reacted just like you (made her not want to do those things). I'd like to see your W not be so nitpicky and critical about these things (like I've learned I need to stop doing), but do you think she would respond more favorably to both you and the possibility of reconciliation if you began meeting her expectations? They may be unrealistic (I really don't know), but the bottom line here from my POV is that her Love Language is Acts of Service. If you begin willingly doing things for her, things the way she likes them done, etc, WITHOUT her asking/telling you to, do you think she would appreciate you more and show that appreciation? I understand you said you were working, but if you put the dishes in the sink instead of posting here today (it couldn't have taken too much time, right?) do you think it would've benefitted you more in terms of your sitch? I hope this doesn't come across as harsh (I kind of feel like it is), but this whole notion of Acts of Service for your W really stuck out to me after reading your post.
Your thoughts on this?
(Oh, and maybe we can just club you unconscious so you can get that tattoo. That way the needle element wouldn't factor in. Whatdya say? I mean, come on -- it doesn't really feel like a needle poking you, but more like a small knife slightly slicing through the skin)
2. There's a huge element of truth in your observation and it's something I realized a few weeks ago (well, it's something I've known all along). It's one of the things that I regret, because for a while, I was purposefully not doing things to tick her off. Not huge things, but you know, just stupid, chickenshit stuff.
3. That's why I ran the dishwasher. It was about 95% full when I ran it after breakfast. The dishes in the sink were from lunch. Just hadn't had a chance to get up and unload the dishwasher, which I do more than 50% of the time. Been making a huge effort over the last 18 months to be better about stuff like. And honestly have.
4. Going to be hard to do acts of service for her. Right now, when I do stuff for her, she thinks it's manipulative. When we separate, goign to have to think long and hard about that. Primarily, I'm going to make a huge effort to keep my apt. straight. I'm not dirty or a slob exactly, but I tend to clutter. Sortof like a clean Pigpen from Peanuts.
Off to my private dancer, the lovely and talented Jacenta. Woo hoo. Maybe I'll figure out that hip shimmy thing for the salsa. Or hurt myself, one of the two.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Did the knife-slicing not help the idea of a tattoo? It isn't as bad as it sounds -- promise.
Quote:
Going to be hard to do acts of service for her. Right now, when I do stuff for her, she thinks it's manipulative. When we separate, goign to have to think long and hard about that. Primarily, I'm going to make a huge effort to keep my apt. straight. I'm not dirty or a slob exactly, but I tend to clutter. Sortof like a clean Pigpen from Peanuts.
I think that's a great idea -- she'll see you doing these things for yourself too, which may allow her to withdraw the "manipulative" label she has attached to such acts. Do you think you'll have these opportunities? Will she actually be in your apt on a relatively frequent basis?
Is this something you're willing to change in your R/M with your W for the long term? I think it is a great 180, and I'm glad you've recognized it! I think I misunderstood you on the dishes in the sink thing -- didn't realize she actually wondered why you handed washed them with the rest of the dishes. She isn't really justified in her criticism IMO, but hopefully she will come around if you can reconcile and she will reinvest in the M 100%. If that happens, that is when you should maybe discuss this with her (once her mind is open to changes SHE needs to make). I'm sure you know this, but just wanted to reinforce the idea.
Currently working on a transporter device to beam straight to real-detachment-confident-happy-independent-mode. Will make me a multi-millionaire.
Are ya taking names for the waiting list??
First come first served? Or people who frustrate you the most with their difficulty "getting it"??
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Or people who frustrate you the most with their difficulty "getting it"??
Excellent. First in line.
No, wait. That's a bad thing.
GD, Yes, she'll be by my place somewhat frequently. Even on her weeks, I'll be watching the girls after school and she'll have to pick them up from whereever I'm living. I'd say 4 or 5 days out of every 14. Oh, and didn't say anything to her about the dishes. That's why I wrote it out here. I can be taught.
Will just have to see how things go. No dance tonight, had my times confused. Monday at 9:15 instead.
Pool party tomorrow with a co-worker. Maybe I'll find me a sugar mama.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Well, I think I am officially done. Sat down at the computer and my W was still logged in. Out of curiousity, wanted to see any replies from her mom to emails from me that she had forwarded to her.
There were some photos of the girls, so I was thumbing through them. None were labeled. When, lo and behold, I open a photo from May 29 and there's my beautiful bride, the woman who had an A rather than working on our marriage, who said she wanted it to work, sitting a smiling at the camera cheek to cheek with who I can only assume is the OM.
So, looks like it's all been a lie. I don't know if she's been with him throughout the last year, even after she said it was over, or picked back up with him in April when I got the ILBNILWY speech. Either way, she is a liar and a cheat and not someone I want to build my life with. I feel like a fool, trying my best to save my M while she was out with another man.
Best of luck to everyone, but I've hit my limit.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
nugget had a great question there, but let me expand it. are you absolutely sure that is the om? meaning there could be other possibilities. second question, even if it is om, do you know how far their r has progressed? probably not, so don't dwell on it.
remember whenever we see anything like that our natural tendency is to the think the worst possible scenerio. stick with prepare for the worst but hope for the best.
I know the lies hurt...but that is par for the course...
Umm..what the mediator said is pretty accurate...The first time I filed for D we got within 5 days...and went to court literally 3 days before it was to be final...
The second time I filed...well I have basically done a dance at the court house every three months or so while H and I have figured out how we can make this work...our next visit before the judge is Sept. 4th...I am going to ask for it to be a LS again until he gets his finances in line...before it was about him not having a job, getting emotional help, being in counseling for alcohol abuse...
Oh...and the lies...the cheating...believe it or not I went through that but something changed when H came home...it seemed that we could really begin to trust again...I have no doubts about where he is, who he talks to...it is just different then before...I don't have that pit in my stomach panic that I used to have hit me...if that makes sense...
