Well I guess my history is past on here

[sandi2]

Hi Lin, as I've told you before....you are my hero. I think a lot of people have been helped by you....I hope that will give you a sense of great accomplishment. I know it came with a high price. I believe you did make this bb a ministry for the broken and hurting. I am glad to know you don't plan on leaving anytime soon, b/c, I for one, still need you! I know your life is full, which is good, but I want you to keep doing the good work on here....plus, I'm just selfish enough to want you to talk to me! (lol)

I know that my H has come a long way. He leaves me along for hours at a time....where before, he would not trust me with the computer and contacting the OM while he was out of the house. That is one reason, I think, he got so behind in his work...he wouldn't leave the house long enough and could not consentrate on what he was doing. Anyway, he is working more steady now, so that helps a lot. Slowly, we will get caught up on the house payments.

We aren't to the point of being all "lovie-dovie" yet....but we weren't like that before everything went haywire. So, as I have described in my posts....we are back to where "normal" was for us before. I think we feel comfortable now. I know I feel so much better without all that nasty stress and confusion in my heart. I don't feel like my blood pressure is so high that I'm going to stroke out.

When I'm on the computer, I leave the door wide open so he can come in anytime to see what I'm doing and, of course, he can tell that I don't act guilty when he does. I think he may still check out the history to see where all I've been....I don't know. But, it's ok with me. I know in time, he'll be ok.

I still miss him not sleeping in the same bed with me. But he hasn't done that in almost twenty years....so he may never do it again. People just get set in their ways and it's hard for them to change. As I told you in my early posts, he always stayed up late to watch TV and would never go to bed at the same time as I did, so I missed the cuddling and talking that I felt was necessary for intimacy. So, when he WOULD go to bed with me, I knew it was for sex, and of course, I resented it and felt like a prostitute. Therefore, we still have a lot of work to do in that area of our M. I know in my heart that if I was to "come on" to him, he would respond, but I have not been able to get that desire for him yet.

I have almost gotten completely over the OM.....I think. I am doing it by my "will" (not heart) and with God's strength, b/c I know that the flesh is very weak. Last night, I was "tempted" to just check him out to see what he was doing...you know...just make a light contact. Oh boy! Did I ever see where that was coming from! Even when you don't give in to the temptation....it hangs on to you for what seems like forever. I knew I wasn't going to do it...but the desire was still there. When I tried to go to sleep...that old thing of wanting to fantasize about him kept popping up in my mind.

I know I can beat that....but Lin, what I am concerned about...and I don't really know how to put it into words.....is my over-all "feelings" or attitude toward my M and homelife...do you know what I mean? I want to feel the desire and happiness to cook and clean house and do things for my H. I want to have "energy" to get involved with life. The biggest turn-on to him is to see my excited and full of happiness. But, that hasn't happen in a very long time. Partly.....my health issues, some of it was our kids' problems, etc, etc, etc,.....like everyone else....life's problems in general. I deal with a certain level of depression that I have to fight almost daily. I still do not want to take the medication....since I could not tell they helped. I guess the struggle with it gets to be a bit much and I am tempted to just "give in" to it some days.

I have, however, got involved in a job at church that I thought was gone forever. Well, I didn't state that very well. But, I worked with kids of all ages over the years and I thought that I was ......how shall I say it?......past all that. I had worked with young adults for a long time and really did not want to work with teenagers anymore. Well, I won't go into the long story, but it is just amazing how God works, isn't it? I was put on a committe at church to work with the teenagers and ended up being their teacher! Last Wednesday night was the first night to go in their class. I did not know how they would receive this old lady (lol) but I just went in completely depending on God and I did not try to be another teenager with them (you know what I mean) and was who I was. It was great!!
I was so excited when I got home that I could not sleep. The past two weeks before was just great at church and I felt like the Lord was doing something....but I never dreamed it was this. I just thought I was getting my heart right again. You know, sometimes we may finally get it right, but then the Lord starts giving you those good feelings. It's great!

So, I hope that is what will happen in my M also. You told me that and I am hoping it will.

Take care....my H just brought me some supper. I'm going to go eat.