Yes it's been quiet here...SR continued

[BeingMe]

So true, cherishher!

[OldFool]

If all this isn't a screaming cry for relationship education in High School or something, I don't know what is.

Funny how we require a semester of drivers education, a driving test, and a written test before we'll give someone a license to drive, but getting married and having kids requires nothing more than a deadly mix of idealism, ignorance, and stupidity.

After her last email I replied to her in an upset tone. I basically told her while she talks about the loss and such she's still making excuses and not willing to do any work. I told her "You can try and look for me when you're ready to be a real woman. A real woman who's family is her kingdom, the kingdom she protects with her life. Right now you're running away like a frightened deer and I'm done chasing you." - that was the harshest thing I've said to her since all this time.

Can't say as I blame you. I'd have skipped the middle part if it were me, but the excuses/unwillingness to work point is valid and I think she needs to hear you're done chasing (and I think you should be, too!).

I know its harsh and goes against DBing....

Perhaps, but even Christ threw the moneychangers out of the temple and called the Pharisees a "brood of vipers" (not exactly a compliment). While these were not a common occurrence, I think they illustrate that while you should go the extra mile, there are limits to that. Sometimes you just have to call a spade, a spade...and I can't think of a way to do that without sounding harsh.

[StupidRomeo2]

I have a question. My wife as you've read has repeatedly said she's done and she doesn't want to stay married. My lawyer's pressuring me to go ahead and get this over with. Part of me also wants to so I get closure and so that I can move on with things that are pending such as buying a new car/house etc. However, part of me says why should I make this easy for her...she should file. I know she'll do it on her own schedule but in the end does it really matter if I nudge the process along by filing the declaration of disclosure for example?

[SallyM]

what do you want to do? take her out of the equation (I know, hard to do) and ask yourself if you are ready for this, if its what you want. make a pro/con list if it helps.

honestly, my thoughts are nobody is going to pressure me into D. If I decide to D, it will be because it is the right thing to do, a decision I come to, not because I felt pressured from H or a lawyer or friends/family. jmho here.

of course, the reality is, I think H will be filing/asking for a D by the end of september at the latest. but who knows. at this point, I'm not ready to do it. if you are ready to, if you have accepted it, well, that is a different story. I do understand wanting her to do it, though. I've told H he's going to have to tie this up with a neat little bow....its all him. he's wishing I would make it easy for him, but so far I'm not. but who knows what the future will bring.

good luck.

[OldFool]

morgan makes some good points. However, they may be more relevant for her given that she is much earlier in the process than you are. You've been around the block a bit more and that process changes one's perspective. Nevertheless, the questions she poses are always worthy of consideration.

My lawyer's pressuring me to go ahead and get this over with.

Don't let him/her make this decision for you! You need to come to this on your own. Remember, while attorney's like to think you work for them...they work for you! If you're uncomfortable with your lawyer's role (or what he/she thinks that role is), dump 'em...and quick.

Part of me also wants to so I get closure and so that I can move on with things that are pending such as buying a new car/house etc.

This is a common feeling after some time has passed. It is also a valid point. While I cannot say whether this is now of sufficient importance to your mental health that it trumps other aspects, I can say that as I approach a year of separation, the thought of getting the D and never having to see, talk, or have anything to do with my WAW again has become a very desirable result.

However, part of me says why should I make this easy for her...she should file. I know she'll do it on her own schedule but in the end does it really matter if I nudge the process along by filing the declaration of disclosure for example?

According to the information you provide at the end of each post, she filed some time ago. As a result, I am confused as to the question about making her file. Perhaps you can clarify.

[StupidRomeo2]

Thanks Morgan and OF. You make good points...I'm really getting tired of the neighbors making noise late into the night which is affecting my sleep and my D's. Just slamming doors and drawers till 2am. I keep wishing I was living in a house, I'm not built for apartments anymore. But then the housing market is going down and its probably wiser to wait before I buy something. I've been wanting a nice car for a while too...I know she'll continue the process on her own schedule I don't think I can reverse the course anymore. I've tried DB'ing, I've tried being open with her, she's not changing her mind.

OF, sorry for the confusion. Yes she did file, I just meant if I should let her continue the process (she hasn't done anything other than filing the motion for divorce) or if I should let my lawyer nudge it along.

[StupidRomeo2]

Well, like all the other bombs that have come in via emails when I least expected them...just an hour ago sitting here at work I get another email from my attorney saying we need to get the declaration of disclosure done asap because they're pushing the case to trial.

After over a year and at times me even wanting this why did my heart sink after reading it. I could barely manage the meeting this afternoon. Sigh, so easy for her to do this and so hard for me to take it.

[SallyM]

(((HUGS))) I am so sorry. I really am. I guess they are called bombs for a reason, right?

[JR2007]

Hey SR2, what did your wife say to this:

After her last email I replied to her in an upset tone. I basically told her while she talks about the loss and such she's still making excuses and not willing to do any work. I told her "You can try and look for me when you're ready to be a real woman. A real woman who's family is her kingdom, the kingdom she protects with her life. Right now you're running away like a frightened deer and I'm done chasing you." - that was the harshest thing I've said to her since all this time.

I like it.

[StupidRomeo2]

Hey morgan, thanks I appreciate the empathy.

JR2007, she replied how she always does to such things...with silence. However, she talks about other things as if nothing has happened between us. A couple of days ago she asked me if I could keep D next weekend and then again in sept for all week since she's going abroad. I told her sure np, so then she replied saying thanks and that she really appreciates my understanding and she realizes she's doing too many trips for work and that work's stressing her out. I told her if I could I'd keep D everyday and I hope she has fun on her trip. My response meant two things, one that I'm doing it more to spend more time with D and two her traveling next weekend is probably more a personal trip than business so I'm not dumb but still hope she enjoys it.