Yes, this is the biggest motivator for me. If it weren't for them, I'd be so much more willing to let him go without as much of a fight. It must be the big motivator for him, too, otherwise there'd be only financial reasons to stay in the same house. Sure, we're great friends, but great friends don't need to live together.
This brings me to a very strange point. During our last big R talk, when DH expected me to throw him out and I didn't, we seem to have agreed that he'll stay here. He's told me he wants out of the obligation to be my husband (the romantic part) and says he's not thinking of jumping into another R. We haven't at all talked about how this will look moving forward, which leaves me in this strange limbo.
Over the last couple of days it's clear that he's not totally happy and feels a bit lost, especially around me. That contentment he felt after our talk was short-lived. He last asked what sort of information I want from him about anyone he's seeing, and I said I needed time to think about that. I don't think I'm thinking clearly about this yet---I can feel myself getting into panic mode whenever I think about it---but what in the world is he picturing going forward? Everything will be the same except he'll date?
To be honest, I think he's having a hard time being around me, knowing that I don't agree with his decision, despite the fact that I've been pretty normal around him. When he clearly doesn't want to talk, I leave him alone. I think I'm feeling that he's going to tell me this isn't working for him, that he needs more space. He's certainly not acting like a friend. Sorry, I'm rambling, but it seems like the only thing concrete that's happened is that I now know I'm living with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I'm waiting for something to happen.
Nomopo, I meant have you thought about what you'd do if your wife says she's decided she wants to save your M, but it turns out that she's not willing to do the work necessary to bring *you* where you want to be. You've made tremendous progress on yourself and building the life you want. You know you alone are responsible for your happiness. So would you choose to be happy with a wife who wants to be with you but doesn't work on her own issues? Does that make sense?
Originally Posted By: Nomopo
W isn't as attractive me as a person because I see a lot of flaws and lot of issues and I don't see someone owning up to her issues and being willing to work on it so we can both have the R we deserve.
When I'm honest with myself, the fact that DH is able to come to the conclusion that our R isn't what he wants and *not even try* is hard to get past. He gave me this analogy: He could work hard to make his job the best ever and be happy with it, but why bother working to improve a lousy job when it's just easier to get a new one? Despite his protestations that I'm a wonderful this and a dear that, I haven't got past the fact that it's just not worth the effort to him. (In fairness to his point of view, he argues that it's not a question of effort, it just "is"---unchangeable.)
And I think he's still at the point where the kids are a footnote: Saying he doesn't want to break up our family is pretty much all he's said about it (that and he doesn't see them much anyway---jacka**). A lousy job doesn't bring two new lives. Wow, I guess I'm tapping into that anger. But I'm not thinking much of him right now, and certainly not of how little he thinks of me (no matter what he says).
The balance of power issue is huge. You've carried your R for a long time, Nomopo, and I'm not sure where I am with that. How is it possible that just a few weeks ago I told him I was looking forward to being done with my big project because we hadn't spent enough time together and I'd missed him, and now I'm already contemplating life without him? I don't want to wake up one day and realize I'd just stuffed all my feelings and never dealt with them. Maybe this is just anger. Or maybe when I really take a good hard look at the R and his willingness to chuck it all, I realize it wasn't what I wanted.
I made a list of what I want in an R last night and was shocked to see how little of it exists now (and has for a long time). That's obviously also my fault. But regardless, I was totally committed to him and knew that it wouldn't always be like that. His lack of commitment is shocking and disappointing to me, very unattractive. And I've lost a huge amount of respect for him. If he doesn't come around, without the respect that friendship he seems to be counting on will be very different indeed.
Originally Posted By: bar
Oh dear. I'm starting to feel sorry for them both. Is this normal?
I have no idea. Contempt and disdain, I totally get. In more generous moments, though, sure, I can see feeling sorry for them.
bar, you've been dealing with an affair for a long time, so I'll pose the above question to you, too. What have you done with the disappointment, etc, in your H and his choices?
Hey, charlie.
Originally Posted By: strongerthanthis
maybe our WAW's need to see us again as worth the effort not a messy heap!
I wonder if there's something to that. When DH and I were first dating, it was a very (very) casual thing. Eventually I wanted more and he didn't. Then I met someone else, and I told DH I was considering going out with him. He said, "Do what you like," then came crying around begging me to stay with him. I was very suspicious of his change of heart, but as we hope happens with DBing, he staid the course and I believed he meant it. Now here we are 13 years later, and he's essentially questioning that decision.
Okay, now I've worked myself into quite a funk, and we're having dinner together in a few hours. I need to put on my happy face---I think I'm really going to need it tonight.
Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts! I surely do appreciate them.
