(Mojo) Sex without the need for validation is the best because you KNOW that you are desirable, f*ckable, sexy, wonderfully sexual etc. before the sex even begins and so does your partner.
Exactly. Therefore, you can be totally open and connected. You never need concern yourself with what you *should* do in order to receive the validation you want, or what you *shouldn't* do lest the validation you require be withheld. It's just sex in the purest most connected and enjoyable form I can imagine.
However, I do believe that it can be difficult to achieve a state of being highly sexually self-validating in a complete vacuum simply because you can't really have sex in a vacuum.
That it's difficult is of no concern. I think you have to do it. I suspect that realizing you have to do it makes it a bit easier. Accepting that one is sexually perfect despite their sexual imperfections is perhaps a start down the path. Realizing that one doesn't need to be any better sexually than they already are. If one would like to be better and wants to attempt to become better then all well and fine. It's not, however, required. A person is fully entitled to feel wonderfully about themselves as sexual beings just as they currently are.
This applies to everything in life; not just sex. It's the common thread that runs among Schnarch, Deida, Glover (No More Mr. Nice Guy) and Eldredge. Eldredge says you get your validation from God and the others say you self-validate but nobody says "look to others for validation."
Why would you ever look to others for validation? Only because you believe you're not good enough. Somewhere, somehow, some amount of shame has crept into your psyche and decided that you're not good enough unless and until somebody else says that you are. In the case of sex, it's then very easy to cling to a person who provides that validation in hopes they'll continue to validate you until the day you die, and if they ever stop...you're in trouble.
(Cemar) THe first example gives 0 validation, while the second gives tons of validation.
The second only gives you validation because you have a need to be validated. What if you didn't have that need? You'd still enjoy the second more because it's more connected and more fun but there would be no difference in validation. You probably wouldn't miss it as much if you didn't get it, and quite possibly you'd be more likely to get it if you didn't need it. Rarely are people, particularly women, attracted to those who they feel *need* them for validation. I suppose because they have the same issue you have...their partner doesn't desire *them*, their partner desires the validation he gets from them. Two sides of the same coin.
On a related but somewhat different note, Glover talks about the need to masturbate without the aid of porn and/or fantasy. That was very difficult for me and I still don't know that I can do it completely but the progress I've made toward that end has resulted in my feeling better and better about myself. Is that something you're willing to try, Cemar? Masturbation without porn or fantasy, just for the sake of making yourself feel good?
I hope some of that came across. If I have to resort to examples and analogies this thing will spin wildly out of control.
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