Me too L. I really am. But things are changing, and somewhat quickly, and I am seeing things differently, and I think C was right to get it out there rather than wake up on day and find myself completely dead to any chance of reconciliation.
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
I'm glad your in a 'good' place. Early in my sitch I wanted it to make it work mainly for my children as I knew what a bad marriage for the children was (I had to live from a young age with the result of my Dad's affairs where as my wife's parents were rock solid and think bizzarely this is why a D seems acceptable to her) However as time went on I started to love my wife more and want her for her not just to save the M, I still feel this way but as I've posted on Puddles thread think you've got a better handle on this and it seems the right way to go.
cheers charlie
Me 39 W 39 D8 S5 Married 13yrs Together 20years EA June 06 Ilyninlwy Jan 07 Seperated Jan 07
Things are changing within me too, Namopo, even though you have travelled this road much longer than me. I've decided that goodbye does not have to mean forever, although I've been pretty much convinced of it up till now.
We haven't done any JC even though we talked about it on several occasions. Now I just feel there's no point. H is not going to budge from his position that the M is over, he is not going to work on the M. So, game over. I feel very sad now but I don't want to make you miserable, King of Long Posts.
I want to try to respond to some of the earlier posts before I have to run.
Hello again NDDT (my long-time co-registrant; same day I think).
Originally Posted By: NDDT
Originally Posted By: Nomopo
I think another part of me feels like I would be upset with myself if I found out that if I had just been patient things would work out. But I don't even know if I can just be patient. I don't think this is just about impatience. I really think something is changing in me.
Any thoughts?
Perhaps like me the realization is setting in, that no matter what I did she was going to choose to NOT be happy. Perhaps it was not meant to be??
I don't think that is it. I don't think she's done. But, I realize she might be. We'll see, but I don't think that is what was motivating me or causing my feelings/thoughts to change.
Hi BD!
Originally Posted By: Heimlich
This is kindof a random thought, so take it for what it's worth, but it feels like there may be something in it. You just spent a weekend with a gaggle of attractive, strong women all actively engaged in making their R's better. Your W can't help but pale in comparison to that level of engagement shown by the ladies of the Orlando Krew (anybody a graphic designer? That logo could be GD's next tat)
Could be. That level of commitment is attractive to me. If my W got passionate about saving our M, I think I would react very well to that.
Originally Posted By: Heimlich
You've been on this road for a long time, I think you've written 15 months before you found DBing and solutions-based councelling. Since you've found DBing, your W recently seems to be opening up more and discovering the things inside of her that haven't meshed well with you and you've done the same. While a breakthrough isn't imminent, there seem to be definate signs of awakening on your W's part.
Yes, I think there have been baby steps, but I think we have so far to go to get to where we deserve, and unless and until W wakes up it wold never happen. So, if she wakes up (and this helps do it), GREAT! If not, I will be sad, I will mourn all that I am losing, but I will be FINE and happy to go to the next phase of my life.
Originally Posted By: Heimlich
You may be done, or on your way to being there -- to crossing that line. If so, that's OK. It would be a shame for you W to decide to make it work but you be over her.
Which is why I had to say something sooner rather than later, and why C encouraged it.
Originally Posted By: Heimlich
In the phone conversation, your W is doing what the C asked for. Seems to be a good thing.
That was a very good thing, and I missed it at the time. Thanks for pointing it out. W mentioned it in JC this morning. I should have done more cheerleading.
Hi charlie! Thanks for the kind words.
Originally Posted By: Strongerthanthis
I think to put it plainly you if you decide this is it you can truly look in the mirror and say I did my best and can face life in the future knowing this.
I am proud of my efforts and my accomplishments with regard to my sitch.
Originally Posted By: Strongerthanthis
Although your still making progress and maybe this is the ultimate 180 which can work.
Could be. That would be great if it comes to pass. We'll see.
That's all I have time for until tonight. Back to the rest of you later!
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
I think C was right to get it out there rather than wake up on day and find myself completely dead to any chance of reconciliation.
Also, I think you and your C did a good job of striking while the iron is...well, not sure what temperature the iron is, but not completely cold in regards to your W. Since your revelation seemed to surprise her and she said that she has to process all of this, she may realize that she is not as done as she thought she was.
This is great timing for you and the kids to head out of town for some fun. Give W lots of time and space to process, while you and the kids are at a great picnic!
Wow, man -- that was a major event in this world of separation you've been going through. All in all, I also think it was a good thing (the right thing?) to do. It took a lot of courage to say what you did, and I think it is really giving W a lot to process now. The latter I think is very important, right now. She has been holding the reigns for some time now, and this shows her that time is NOT on her side anymore. She will have to weigh her options more heavily now in order to make a decision. What makes what you said okay DB-wise is that you are getting to (or are at) a place where you are ready to cut bait with her. This isn't a manipulative technique, though it kind of plays that role. This is reality, and you are ready to move on if she decides that she doesn't want to reinvest in YOU and the M. I'm hoping she will, though (and I know you are too), and I think you being away with the kids for a week will give her ample time to reflect on everything.
Glad you're doing so well, my friend! Keep up the PMA as you face this new phase in your DBing and life!
Yes, I think she was blown away. And I think you will just have to see where she lands.
You couldn't have said it better about the children. You couldn't have said anything better. And there could have been no mistaking what you said as a "ploy".
And there you have it. Maybe, at some point, the enormous effort was simply too much, without a bit more of an answering response.
This, for you, was a true show-stopping moment, a real 180. I hope that it brings your wife closer. Somehow I think that it will. There was always something un-real about the separation your W initiated. It was like some Japanese ritual drama. It's not that I want anyone to be hurt--but at some point your wife has just got to butt heads with reality (if reality is a goat, or the devil!) and realize what she may lose.
I would like to see her wooing you! I wonder what she will do, and I hope she does the right thing, and shows again the traits that made you fall in love with her.
It sounds like your session went wonderfully well. Cheers to you for the courage to be honest, as GD pointed out. And as Kat said, what a great time to go enjoy yourself and your kids for a few days! Your W has a lot of thinking to do.
I hope this turns out to be a kick in the pants for her, but either way, you sound terrific. You definitely deserve the pride you're feeling.
I think I know where this is heading, but I won't spoil the ending for you. I will say this, though:
My advice (for what it's worth): No matter how you feel, default to the "moving on" attitude in any contact with W until she really steps up and makes it clear that she has finally realized what a catch you are.
Until then, enjoy your kids, life, and the feeling of pride that comes with being the spectacular person that we all know you are.
