Cobra,

My mother told me years ago that I made a good choice marrying cac because most men would not be able to deal with me. Not sure if I should have taken that as a compliment or a criticism. My type 4 self sort of gets a kick out of being different than most women.

I know you have complained that CAC is way to intellectual and analytical, that he is out of touch with his emotions and not impulsive enough, but I tell ya, after reading through your last few posts, the line between you two is starting to blur.

How so? I don't think I see it, so can you give some examples?

In some ways I think you are your own worst enemy.

Yes, I'm sure this is true. My father used to bumble that and declare that he was his worst own enemy.

I can’t even imagine the internal conversations you must have with yourself.

It's exhausting. Constant loop playing in my head. I took a mind/body relaxation class for infertility patients at the Mind/Body Institute (Herbert Benson) and it was extremely difficult to shut off the internal feedback. I could do it fairly well during the group meditations, but during the rest of the week when I was supposed to listen to tapes I sometimes couldn't do it. Letting my thoughts go was nearly impossible for me.

I think a lot of what Lil has discussed concerning the work of Byron Katie may be helpful for you.

I do plan to look at that again.

I have noticed that my wife can flip in and out of this extra sensory mode, depending on the situation. She seems to use it as an excuse to back off situations when intimacy is too much. For instance, she claims that she does not like to French kiss because she can’t breath. But she breathes fine at other times, and she is not a mouth breather. I think this is just a deflection.

Could be. I believe that my sensory issues are fairly consistent regardless of what I'm doing. What I got from reading the HSP books is to find ways to deal with the issues. Workarounds if you will. In some cases, maybe we need to try to desensitize. But if you do not have these sensitivies to taste, smell, bright lights, noise, etc. you probably just wouldn't understand. I always am amazed to see people out in the sun without sunglasses. I don't know how they can stand it, but it doesn't bother them. I OTOH wear sunglasses AND try to stand/sit facing away from the sun. That's my workaround that enables me to enjoy being outdoors.

Rather than focus on how good sex feels, she focuses on the pillow or something as a reason why she can’t focus on an O. She wants the O and the sensations of sex, but she is not comfortable with the vulnerability that comes with sex. She has a hard time opening up and allowing herself to connect emotionally. That is scary for her. That would mean dropping her long standing resentments. That would mean giving up the one up position she likes to have. That would mean reliving her FOO.

There may be truth to that, and of course, I know next to nothing about your wife. But, again, when you have sensory issues, they can be extremely distracting. I have struggled with this.

But all this will bring you two closer. Be sure that in striving for what you state that you are not put off by the other things that with them. To feel loved and help CAC feel loved means becoming vulnerable. IT means dropping excuses and deflections. It means purposefully pushing aside and blocking out things you have used in the past to put up emotional defenses, including overcoming any sensory issues, at least to the extent you can.

I didn't actually say that I wanted to feel loved through sex. My LL isn't PT. I do know that a good sex life will bring us closer. I have seen the evidence of it.

You keep writing about excuses and deflections and I really don't see where I am doing that. I am trying to open up my mind to the possibilities. I will make plenty of mistakes along the way. I have a highly sensitive nervous system and along with that comes the sensory issues. HSPs get overwhelmed more easily than non-HSPs. cac is an HSP and he has his own issues, crowds, being one example. I think that is part of what brought us together. I think it is one way that we can learn to be more empathetic toward each other, and I think we have done that already.

I would guess you had the same sensory issues then that you do now, perhaps even more so.

I think they are pretty much the same. The other laundry list was the classic LD wife stuff -- dishes, state of the house, that sort of thing.

How were you able to overcome his smoking then but you cannot do so now?

I wasn't really. He wrote here that our sex life wasn't stellar even during the dating phase. I think it's possible that the smoking had a little less of an effect on me then because of the newness. But it has always been an issue.

How much of the repulsion you feel now is based on his smoking and how much could be wrapped up in other things, like resentment? Nothing wrong with that, you have a right to be resentful, but knowing it is a part of the mix can help you to direct it in an appropriate way and at the appropriate times.

Repulsion is such a negative word. I don't feel repulsion for anything but the cigarettes. I have lingering resentments, yes. I haven't figured out how to resolve them. I'm working on it.