I was vulnerable because of undiagnosed depression for one. I didn't understand why I was unhappy, so I didn't know how to fix the problem either. As a result I turned to ways I could feel nothing rather than feel miserable. Sex was my escape...and my affair was an accident. I found someone who was easy to get into bed, but with the unexpected consequence that he understood me better than I did. My OM knew I felt trapped by my life, that I had married and started a family young, and that I sometimes felt I had missed out on my own life. And he used that to build a fantasy and a dependency on his love and support. I was exploited, but I allowed it to happen, and I am at fault.
I will say it is not the fault of the LBS. Things happen, people don't know how to help their spouse, or don't know there is a problem. How could my husband know what was going on in my head when didn't myself?
I believe I knew all along deep down that it would never be real between me and the OM. But I buried all those doubts, telling myself I would find happiness with him. But it was like being in a dream. And every once in awhile I would have these moments, sometimes days, where I would ask myself what the hell I was doing and wish I could just go home. It wasn't so much that I didn't know HOW to go home, but rather I wasn't willing to give up the fantasy yet, wasn't ready to admit I was wrong.
The grass may be greener, but then again, it may also be astroturf. ~Amy C Brown
