Madonna/Whore Complex (part 7)

[Heywyre]

Cobra,

Does this make sense?

Yes, it makes sense but I don't think it applies to me or my sitch because my H has NEVER looked to me for comfort, he has always dealt with things on his own - ALWAYS

Yes, as a child he never sought comfort either. For instance, he relayed one sitch to me when he had hurt himself and was crying. His father came up to him and asked him what was wrong. He said "nothing" and just went off to deal with his own emotions. If his parents would push the issue or try to comfort him in any way, he would get upset and just push them away further.

I know this stems (primarily) from him being adopted and abandoned (in his mind) so he therefore won't let anyone in to comfort him in ANY way. He does not do this consciously and would deny it if you even suggested it (which MC has numerous times)

He has a daughter, but you say your kids are from a previous M. So he was married before and had this daughter? Does he keep in touch with her? How empathic is he toward her? What was his ex-wife like? Why did they split?

Yes, he has two daughters that he keeps in touch with regularly (they both live quite far from us, have families of their own) - he saw the older one yesterday as a matter of fact, said he had a "good" conversation with her (her H came into town for a course and she came with him)

He doesn't show much in the way of empathy towards either of his daughters. Their relationship has always been off and on - depending more on what they are going through as opposed to him. They both carry resentment about what they consider their father "abandoning" them, although the older one says that she has forgiven him (but she asked him yesterday if he had forgiven himself - to which he replied "I've never thought about it")

His W had an A, but they reconciled, he claims it didn't bother him and he was ready to move forward but she wanted out. To this day both his children think HE was the one that had the A (all the more reason not to tell them either as they would just say - well he did it once before - when that wasn't the case)

He was a country bumpkin, got a girl pregnant and married her because it was the "right thing to do". They are as different as night and day. She is a very nice woman but definitely not on the same page as he is

Yes, he is definitely suffering from trauma but that is where we are at a standstill. It has nothing to do with me at all (and that has been confirmed by the MC). If you ask my H about me I can tell you word for word what he would say (because he has said it all through our M, to friends, family, the MC etc. etc.) He would tell you what a "compassionate, nurturing, caring woman" I am and "how lucky (he) is to have me in (his) life". He would go on to say "she is my foundation and the one that give me the strength to be the best I can be" - doesn't sound like someone that has attachment issues does it? But, actually it is the PERFECT example of a casebook attachment theory

Why? Because he puts me on a pedestal, the perfect wife (who is NOT to be touched sexually because that would be treating her with disrespect) - he has said those exact words to the MC. We are NOT dealing with the average marital problems here. If you read my thread (Madonna/Whore complex) you will see all what we have been through (with a tremendous amount of help from GEL) and how it does not relate AT ALL to your "usual" scenarios. Even the MC told us this would definitely not be treated the same way