New and confused

[Nomopo]

Sorry I am just getting back to this post. Have had some stuff going on, as you know.

Now we both have a chance to grow and be happy together again, and that would be the right/satisfying thing to do.

"right and satisfying"---that's an interesting thought. I've been working on why I want to change someone's mind who seems so certain, other than for my needs.

Well, the other obvious one is your kids needs.

W doesn't seem to know that she has growing to do. I do love her. Deeply. I am willing to do so much for her and us, if only she would see that.

I hope she does. Have you ever thought about the possibility that W will decide she wants to save the M but isn't willing/able to do the work? If it's interesting for you, I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on that.

Not sure I understand your question. W isn't willing to work on the M currently, and hasn't been since 1/22. As far as able, our old T suggested that she might not be able. That was surprising to me. Now I see how someone might not be able, but it is hard for me to really accept. Were you asking me something else?

I've also been asking myself, lazy lump that I often am, how much work I'm willing to do. Sometimes I think I just want to rest, and let whatever will happen, happen.

I think that is a little part of what is happening to me now, but I think the bigger part is W isn't as attractive me as a person because I see a lot of flaws and lot of issues and I don't see someone owningup to her issues and being willing to work on it so we can both have the R we deserve. Also, she has disappointed me greatly in how she is acting and has acted and how she has handled a lot of this, which makes me think she is not the person I thought I fell in love with and can never be the person I need (or maybe even that my kids need). But if she stepped up, I would still gladly try and work on it. At least for now. But I feel more and more content with what happens if she doesn't.

A very very very important sideproduct of this is the power seems to have shifted almost immediately in our R. I mean she could still file for D tomorrow and mean it, but there was such a power imbalance that it was very frustrating for me, enabled her to do nothing, and was generally unhealthy. As my C explained, whenever one person in a two-person R is the high desire person (for anything - sex, to work on the M, to save the M, to go to the zoo), the other, lower desire person has the power (whether they want it or not) because they have to agree.

Oh, he's quite the thinker. I once told him his gravestone should read: Not dead, just thinking about it.

P.S. Are my posts the longest? I wonder if they're tiring to read.

Are you kidding? Wait until you get my threads. Mine are the longest. I am the king of long posts. Ask anyone around here.



Later,
Nomo