I find your explanation of the whole "enmeshing" a little confusing. It seems on one hand you tell me it is not a good thing and then you say it is comforting to my H - which is it?
It is both, but under two different circumstances. Let me explain. Enmeshing is not healthy for a long term relationship, for all the reasons often discussed on this board. Schnarch does a good job in explaining this in his book. (BTW, have you and your H read “Passionate Marriage?” If not, I highly recommend it, especially for your H.)
Your H is not well differentiated. He looks to you for comfort. When you do not validate his needs, he gets angry and blames you for his discomfort. Lil likes to use alcoholism as an analogy, and it does fit. You H is addicted to others for his validation as an alcoholic is addicted to his bottle. This is the enmeshment. The cure is to take away the bottle, but cutting an addiction cold turkey can be dangerous. When you put down too hard a boundary, it send your H into a panic and he retaliates, just as an alcoholic would do. He tries to get the bottle back, one way or another, and when he does, he is happy and content again. When you re-enmesh with your H, he is also comforted. It soothes him in the short run, but in the long run it only perpetuates the dysfunctional dance. Does this make sense?
…. He preferred being by himself and when things were bothering him, he would go off by himself to deal with things. This became a pattern in his life and is still there to this day. He never bonded with his adoptive mother, and the MC is confident he is a textbook example of the "attachment theory" and even my H agrees with that analogy (which in itself is a surprise)
There’s no way I can debate the truth of what your H says about his past, except that in my mind the pieces don’t all fit together. Perhaps the missing link concerns his relationship with his adoptive mother. I don’t understand why a happy boy would go off to deal with things by himself. What was it he was trying to deal with? Not that you need to answer me, but these are the type of inconsistencies you night ask your H. Try to pry under the rocks. You say he is out of touch with his emotions. Do you think he was more in touch with them as a child? If so, how did he lose touch, or could it be he was never in touch with them in his youth either?
He remembers his childhood quite vividly. He recalls being responsible for a lot of chores but also the freedom to come and go as he pleased when his chores were done. He recalls "dusty roads, fluffy clouds and blue skies, and sitting on the edge of the lake fishing". He recalls his father working very hard to provide for the family and then coming home and working the land (they homesteaded 160 acres). He has fond memories and a lot of respect for his father, in particular
Read the book “The Narcissistic Family” by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman, Robert M. Pressman. The authors report that many children growing up in dysfunctional families report the same sort of fond memories that you just mentioned. Yet they were severely damaged in their childhood. How could that be? The answer is that their memories have become very selective and as children, they did not know enough to identify a dysfunctional relationship when they saw one. So take what your H says with a grain of salt.
As far as the AD - whose to know, maybe it is hereditary. We will never know that because he's adopted. His daughter also suffers from a milder form of depression so we suspect that might be the case.
Wow!!! I just got to this part! He was adopted? And he does not feel connected to his mother, or to you? Your counselor’s idea that your H suffers from attachment disorder sounds like it is on the mark. This is a form of trauma.
He has a daughter, but you say your kids are from a previous M. So he was married before and had this daughter? Does he keep in touch with her? How empathic is he toward her? What was his ex-wife like? Why did they split?
Here is a thread on Adult Attachment Disorder that I posted about a year ago: Adult Attachment Disorder
