Cemar, you have conflated your wife's whole complexity of being into a singularity of sex drive. I see it from the other way. I see a person desire for sex dircetly effecting EVERY aspect of their lives, or thier personality. This may not happen to all LD people, but in my case, when my wife went from HD to LD, it changed her personality. Michelle writes about it in chapter one. When one spouse changes to LD, it sucks ALL the life out of the marriage, it makes everything SERIOUS. The fun disappears. That is exactly the way I feel in my marriage.
The difference between LD's and HD's is that in the LD lifestyle, the LD IS doing what they want, what they enjoy. But as the HD person, I am currectly being forced to live a LD lifestyle, and it is NOT fun, it basically is all work and no play.
What I was asking is if it is wrong for a Deiad man to think that his wife should be the initiator, or maybe he should just always PLAN on being the initiator and have no problems with that.
I think that if your looking at it from the point of view of sexual polarity then yes asking that a woman be the initiator is wrong. You are asking her to act from a masculine polarity this would diminish the sexual attraction between the two polarities.
Demanding that the feminine give you your masculine is a fools game.
I am currectly being forced to live a LD lifestyle, and it is NOT fun, it basically is all work and no play.
Nobody is "forcing" you to do anything. YOU are the one that chooses to think your life is "not fun", YOU are the one that chooses to think it is "all work and no play"
Sounds more to me like you have an obsession with sex and can't function throughout the day without it - perhaps YOU need to see someone about that problem
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Sounds more to me like you have an obsession with sex and can't function throughout the day without it - perhaps YOU need to see someone about that problem. Really, I guess that happens when you have sex only once in a blue moon. How does one actually LOWER their sex drive (without drugs).
When one spouse changes to LD, it sucks ALL the life out of the marriage, it makes everything SERIOUS. The fun disappears. That is exactly the way I feel in my marriage.
I'm sorry you feel that way Cemar. But your statement is simply not true. LD does not equate with "serious" and "no fun." My H is laid back, fun, interesting. He is certainly not all about work and we always have time for fun with each other. Despite all of that, our SL is not what I'd call good. I know how hard it is to separate the two at times. But if you can manage it, I think you would be able to greatly improve your overall attitude toward the M. And don't tell me you cannot separate the two at all. That's bs.
Why is it you can only have sex with a clean, sweet smelling man? I know women prefer this, but a man is a man. We men smell.
You're putting words in my mouth. I find the smell of cigarette smoke to be a turnoff, so I prefer to have sex with cac when he doesn't smell like cigarette smoke. Recently I decided to make it a boundary.
Have you ever desired or fantasized about a rough and tumble type of man, a macho, man’s man? How do you think he would smell? Like lilacs?
LOL. If said macho man was a smoker, he would smell like smoke. I dated guys in college who weren't smokers, but they didn't smell like lilacs either. I don't remember them smelling of anything, except maybe cologne. One guy was fastidious about his hygiene and always chewed gum for fresh breath.
When I was younger my FOO issues made me attracted to nice guys. But as I've gotten older, I guess I sometimes entertain thoughts of what it might be like to be with a roguish man. I think about it when I see characters in movies. I even find "dark and handsome" men appealing now in a way that I never really did as a young woman.
Is there something about men in general that repulses you?
LOL. No, I am not repulsed by men in general. I am not, nor have I ever been a feminist. Oh, I dallied with thoughts of being independent as a young woman, not being dependent on a man, opening my own doors, pumping my own gas, but I was never a hard-core feminist.
I get plenty of email jokes that are derogatory about men and I hear comments from women I know, and, sure some of them are funny, but mostly I feel sorry for those women.
I find certain men repulsive, certainly, because of specific attributes they have. Kind of like the list of turn-offs in the data sheet that accompanies each month's Playboy centerfold.
mrs. cac During or after the infertility, and I'm not sure when it happened, he started to get very sarcastic when I would suggest sex, like putting his hand to my forehead in a mock attempt to see if I was feverish, or he might say something like, "you want to have sex? Are you sure?"
OK, I understand. But this was years ago. Does he still do this? If not, get over it. Otherwise you are only going to frustrate you and CAC by bringing up something from the past that you cannot change. That is the convenient thing about not forgiving the past, it keeps a wedge you two that CAC can never get past, or maybe is that what you want?
No, his comments weren't years ago, they were in the more recent past. And no, he isn't doing it anymore. And yes, I agree that I need to get over it, and I think I am trying doing that. I was attempting to give some backstory about why initiating made me feel uncomfortable more recently.
Quite some time ago Corri listed several things that she felt marked the difference between a sexually confident woman and a girl. I won’t bother to search for it because it was buried in an unrelated thread, but those might be goals to keep in mind (if she or someone can find them, or recreate them).
Yeah, I remember the list, but I don't remember the specifics. I'll just say that I've spent most of my adult life being "a girl" so I'm proud of myself for the changes I have made. I plan to continue doing so.
What I read out of this is that you are taking the uncertainty of rejection, the anxiety of preparing for and following through with sex, and putting it into CAC’s court so you don’t have to deal with it. It sounds like you want the certainty of having no pressure or guilt along with the spontaneity of random encounters. It’s a good goal for you, but I think it puts CAC in a very difficult spot, don’t you think?
No that isn't what I think I'm doing. What I think I'm doing is taking the pressure off both of us. I don't have to initiate and worry that I can't follow through, and he doesn't have to initiate and worry about being rejected. Neither of us is in the hot seat. We start having some success with this, more spontaneous encounters, and we become more confident sexually. We both have some very bad habits and very destructive beliefs about our sex life that need to be changed.
How would you feel if you just let CAC ravage you whenever he wanted, without advance notice, and with no control by you over the timing of the encounters (assuming they were at appropriate times and that he was usually showered and smelling good)? Would this feel scary to you? Would it be too intimate?
Hard to say, as it's quite difficult to imagine him doing so. He is quite the nice guy in this respect. I mean, if I said, "OK, you can ravage me now," I'm still in control of our sex life. But if he just tried to ravage me without warning, I suppose I would resist it mightily at first, but then I think if he exuded confidence in himself, and persisted I believe it could be one red-hot experience. I guess what I'm talking about is seduction. Is that different than being ravaged?
When one spouse changes to LD, it sucks ALL the life out of the marriage, it makes everything SERIOUS. The fun disappears. That is exactly the way I feel in my marriage.
CeMar, It's fusion that sucks all the life and fun out of a relationship and BOTH parties are equally responsible. You are seeking validation through sex and your wife is seeking validation in order to be sexual but you are the one who is here on the BB so either you need to try to differentiate or you need to invite your wife to join this BB (Which would actually be a brave and differentiated thing to do.)
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
