Madonna/Whore Complex (part 7)

[Heywyre]

Cobra,

Yes, I have told him in no uncertain terms. He is fully aware there are no third chances. Why did I "enable" him. Maybe I was naive, maybe I was trusting - who knows. All I know is I truly believed we had gone through a "bad spell" in our M and were on our way to repairing the damage. People make mistakes and I believe in giving them the benefit of the doubt

I don't know what you are picking up regarding "resentment" but that's your opinion, and not how I feel

I also believe the counsellors could have gone further with us but he has ran into a road block with my H and told him so. His only other option is to go to see this new guy that specializes in a specific type of therapy that dealts with this type of resistance.

Yes, he has read a number of self-help books (much to my surprise) - thus the reason I believe he is trying a whole heck of a lot harder than he was the first time, and just another reason for me NOT to throw in the towel. However, having said that, he has not put into practice much of what he has read, but he has some (which is still better than nothing) - he's an old dog.

I find your explanation of the whole "enmeshing" a little confusing. It seems on one hand you tell me it is not a good thing and then you say it is comforting to my H - which is it?

he came from an incredible family, his parents were VERY supportive of him, especially his father. He was VERY close to his father. As much as there was not much physical touch shown between his parents (because of their living conditions and the fact they were British - sorry Brits, but they have a tendancy to be rather standoffish - my own family was the same way) his father encouraged him to show his emotions and never scolded him for crying - he was one of the few boys of his generation that was allowed to cry and encouraged to do so. However, he remembers being the one to isolate himself from his parents, not the other way around. He preferred being by himself and when things were bothering him, he would go off by himself to deal with things. This became a pattern in his life and is still there to this day. He never bonded with his adoptive mother, and the MC is confident he is a textbook example of the "attachment theory" and even my H agrees with that analogy (which in itself is a surprise)

He remembers his childhood quite vividly. He recalls being responsible for a lot of chores but also the freedom to come and go as he pleased when his chores were done. He recalls "dusty roads, fluffy clouds and blue skies, and sitting on the edge of the lake fishing". He recalls his father working very hard to provide for the family and then coming home and working the land (they homesteaded 160 acres). He has fond memories and a lot of respect for his father, in particular

As far as the AD - whose to know, maybe it is hereditary. We will never know that because he's adopted. His daughter also suffers from a milder form of depression so we suspect that might be the case.

My H is probably one of the most empathic people you will ever meet (if you didn't know his personal life) - he just can't seem to apply it to his most personal relationship

Part of understanding the "attachment theory" is that the people (men mostly) have not bonded with their primary caregiver (in his case his adoptive mother) therefore it affects all other close relationships that person has from that day forward because that one relationship, the primary one, was not established and therefore they have no pattern to follow (a simple explanation of it of course). Men, as they are growing up have friends, male and female, they also have thoughts of lust and sex. Somewhere (for most) the two mesh together and that's when the thought of marriage etc. come into play. For my H, and others such as GEL's H, the meshing of the two never happen. They can have sexual encounters OR female friends, but not both. When someone comes along that is their friend (such as me) and they try to get close sexually/emotionally, that's when they start to pull away. The closer they get emotionally the more they pull away - vicious circle? you bet it is!!

Yes, I tell him VERY specifically how I feel. I try as much as possible not to point fingers and accuse him of things. Instead I use "when you said this, I felt .." - I am VERY conscious of that

He was not all that sympathetic with my children (they are from my first marriage). He was never a "kid person" and would have preferably not had any. He left the rearing to me, but would back me up if I got resistence from the children. He was always very supportive of my abilities to bring up my children but remained there for them in a gentle way. To this day my two daughters absolutely adore him and would be devastated if they knew what he had done to me. I would never tell them simply to protect THEM, far more so than my H - and it doesn't prove or get you anywhere anyway. To do so would be nothing short of vindictive