Good Luck Nomo, I am very curious to hear more of how you are feeling. Wondering if 48 hours will put you in a new light? What you are feeling is kind of how I imagine I will begin to transition over the next few weeks as we work on our D. Random laugh - W will work on D but not M!
Back on track, I have been trying to gain insight on detachment. Don't really have a handle on how it proceeds, and how I will know I am detached, but not just trying to be over her. Just thought of something that may or may not make sense, but will throw it out: Back in my single days I had a roommate whom I did not know. One of those roommate.com things. He needed a place to stay for an undetermined amount of time b/c he was most likely getting a divorce. He had also lost his job, a mutual decision between him and his company. He was pondering his next step in life. Decided to fly to DC and look into politics. Comes back very excited about the process to go to work for a Senator or Rep, (as a page or something? been 4-5 years ago), with the prospect of becoming a full time staffer. He was unsure with his failing M and all the changes. Did not know if he was being rash. He's calling all his friends and telling about his DC trip. I see him a day or two later and he tells me he'll pay me next month's rent, but will probably be gone in a couple weeks, moving to DC. I enquire how he came to the decision so quickly. Two things: 1. Had dinner with W and felt like it was a final goodbywe. They enojoyed each other's company. He told her about DC and she said she had wondered why he hadn't gone yet. 2. As he was talking to friends, he simply found himself talking about WHEN he is out there, instead of IF he went out there. Realized his mind was made up as he was talking.
Not sure if that helps or even makes sense.
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
Nomo, I know how you feel, I may have only been dbing since June, but I've been dealing with this crap since November, and I feel that even if my W wanted to come back and work on things I'm not sure if I'd be willing, and if I was it would be very difficult.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
Hello Everyone. I am doing really well, and just wanted to let my friends know. I don't have time to post much, but I will post detailed details ( ) later. Here is a summary of what I said (not exact word for word, but it is the jist):
Nomo: "I've been thinking about a lot of things, especially since last week's session. One thing has to do with the separation. Not too long ago I couldn't have imagined saying this, and so at some level it feels really weird, but also really honest. Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that our separation is a good thing, and that is was really necessary for me. I believe now that without this I wouldn't have been able to see some things that I can see now, about me, about you, about us. So even though it is a terrible thing in many way, mainly for what it has done to our kids (which just is more heartbreaking for me than I can really described - I struggle with that everyday), I have come to the conclusion that it was necessary for me at least, and that ultimately it is more than necessary but actually good. It has given me the chance for growth experiences that I don't think I would have had otherwise. I hope you get a chance to experience growth as a result as well."
She nodded through all of this, and listened calmly and intently.
The I said: "The next thing is a little tougher for me to explain or describe, but I think the best way to say it is that I feel like something is different, like there are changes in how I feel. I'm not sure that I want to try to save this relationship anymore or even to try to build a new relationship. And while there's still a part of me that would like to work on the marriage, I feel like it is mainly motivated by the kids. I am so worried about them. I'm just sick about it. But, anyway, I guess another way to decribe it is it feels like I am moving on. I don't think I've moved on, but something has happened or changed, or is happening or changing. And after talking with C about this she helped me see that I needed to share it."
So, that's what I said. In very short, W listened intently. She kept her game/poker face on, but I think she was pretty surprised. Maybe even blown away. We then talked about lots of stuff over the next 1.5 hours. At one point W said, after the C explained that her years of experience have taught her that frequently people cross a line and once they do things are much tougher to save, that she is probably in the same place I am hovering around that line. Not that she has crossed it. I played it very cool the whole time, because I felt at peace with what I had said. It is genuine. Towards the end, C said she felt obligated to make a pitch and that it was likely her pro-M side speaking. She said to W that she believes that couples IMAGO C will be much different than what we had with our old T, and she feels compelled to say that because she thinks essentially our window of opportunity is closing. W said she apprecaites that, she likes the C and thinks she is a good person, and the sessions have been great, but she can't even think about that at this moment because she already got a lot of information today and she needs to process it. She is processing it. Then, she agreed to come see C alone for a few times over the next few weeks and we will meet as a couple in about 3-4 weeks.
So, I feel really good about how it went, and really good about where I am. And I still want to save my M but I am detaching and I am fine without saving my M. Absent the kids, I think I would prefer to move on without W. I give it a 50-50 shot on whether W comes back and says let's get a D or let's try some therapy.
One last thing, I met the CP for the next hour. I will give details later, but basically she and I discussed how to appraoch a D the entire time. Very very very useful info, and we will be meeting again (quite a few times I expect, so she can help us handle this as best as posisble). CP also sees S7 tothis afternoon. And CP wants to meet with W alone next (presumably to discuss the realities of a D. CP basically thinks all of my sensitivity to the harm to the kids is 100% accurate. When I called W to tell her about the CP session (at W's request), I told her all about the logistical D issues we had discussed. W seemed a little freaked by this (meaning my attitude about moving on).
Last point: my current Db strategy: focus on me and my kids as much as I can. And I will try to be as friendly and nice (not hostile, cold, short or mean) to W as I can. I will try to be a true [best?] friend.
Thanks for all the concern and support. I wil be reading all of your posts now.
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Wow, Nomo, that sounds like it went really well. Yes, it will take your W a while to process all of that and who knows what she will end up doing with it, but you are in a great position either way. I am so glad you feel so good about things.
Nomo, very productive! You really are on a great path. Lots of happiness waiting for you down the road. have fun just seeing where the path leads. No expectations, just some surprise waiting for you when you get where you are going.
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
Just a quick thought right now... it's amazing to me what an asset having a strong/positive C is; for you, your W and for your the chances for your R becoming what you want.
And you seem to be making the most of that asset...
) later. Here is a summary of what I said (not exact word for word, but it is the jist):
