Am I seperated? Looking for support/advice...

[savingus77]

I have tried asking him to do things like play a game, take a walk, go out somewhere and I don't ask often, just here and there and all I get is a big fat "No, I don't think so"! I think that he thinks if he were to say yes to any of those things (including MC) that he would be giving me "false hopes".

What I guess he may not realize is that just by staying in the house and not filing for D is giving me false hopes!

[dlt1]

Hi Savingus,
Let me throw a couple pennies at you regarding R talks. Stop.
I believe anytime you talk about R atthis point, it enables H to think about what he does not like. Leave him to his thoughts for now. The small talk, dinners, the good/nice things need to continue. As you progress, H should start seeing more that he likes. When you put the R in front of him, it reminds him of what he does not like. Think of it like this, right now you are not really going to be doing anything to fix your M. Right now you are working towards a point when you can begin working on your M. Do you need to work on the com probs that got you here? Yes, absolutely, but not right now. Right now you need to feel good about making yourself happy. If H making you a steak does that, then reaffirm him, without over doing it.
Focus on giving him space.
I hope this helps.
On another note, I had to have a heart to heart with my BF to let him know I did not want to hear blame or finger pointing about my W. He defended himself for a bit, but finally understood that I wanted my M nomattwer what, and pointing at past things and all that had no positive effect on the sitch. Friends seem to want us to be happy now, not really thinking about our future happiness. I am sure my W's friends are supporting her, most of whom are new friends and never met me. But the faster she gets through this, the better THEY will feel about her.

[savingus77]

Thanks dl.

I know what you are saying about the friends & I have to say for the most part they are not badmouthing him to any degree (I would never allow that) but they do think I am crazy for putting up with this! I tell them, you never know until you are in the situation.

I think I have given him all the space someone could possibly give while still living together. As far as the small talk, I am doing that but getting very short answers from him for the most part. And he has mentioned that he feels weird making small talk when there is all this bigger stuff going on which I can understand - so I think there needs to be a balance. If I gave up my persistance on the small talk & didn't bring up R talks - I think we would not speak at all! And that can't be good either. I think it has been several weeks since the last time I brought up the R...

Isn't that one of DB principles - is that if you are doing something for a while and it doesn't seem to be working - you need to change strategies?

[Heimlich]

I think I have given him all the space someone could possibly give while still living together.

Keep doing it.

Remember what OT posted on my thread:

The time to have an R talk is when the WAS chooses to work on the M and VERY CLEARLY communicates that choice to you, independently, without prompting.

Your H knows how you feel. When you bring up those feelings, you confront him with the fact that he doesn't feel that way about you. This was the hardest thing for me to accept, emotionally. In my head, yes, I knew she wasn't in love me. However, once I realized how much I had done, I started talking to her about me and how I had changed. It just doesn't work.

The DBing stuff is all guidelines and you've got to feel your way. Maybe another week or two and the time will feel right for you to gently broach the status of your R at that time. However, don't think the time is now. It seems like he poked his head up a bit by offering to cook you something. Take it as a baby step. Sort of like trying to feed a wild animal out of your hand. Sudden movements or trying to grab them will make them bolt. Keep steady, hold the food out in the palm of your hand, speak in a calm voice and eventually they may get close enough for you to pet.

It sounds like you've got a lot of friends to do things with. Keep up your life and show positive changes. He'll eventually notice. Of course, also expect the "your changes are manipulative" which you've gotten with the clean house effort, but just keep doing it. As everyone keeps saying, you'll eventually be a better person and ready for a great R in the future or you'll be a better person and in a great R with your H.

Of course, there's the whole detached and done mental state, but it doesn't sound like you're close to there yet.

BD

[dlt1]

I agree that if it's not working stop. But, if he isn't pushing for D, then I think it is working for now. You've kind of leveled off, but you want to be going forward. Unless you are seeing negative actions/reactions on his part right now, try to stay the course for a bit. As always, patience patience patience. For me, it was and is the most diffcult thing to fell like I'm not doing anything. When I did something, W reinforced her desire for a D. It's been one week and other than a needed convo regarding a F in town, we have not spoken. She was to call me to set up a time Sat to begin D discussions as far as who get what type stuff. I'm not calling until late that day, and that is only b/c I have to get in the house to take care of some bills and take some personal items to my current residence. No talk is good talk at this point.

[savingus77]

I see what you guys are saying & thanks for the input. I just think it is different when you are still living in the same house. I think someone else said this before, but it is like there is a big elephant in the room that no-one is talking about. I am certainly not going to push for a conversation, and I do not want to do all the talking, but I want to make sure to give him opportunities to talk about what he is feeling. I also will feel it out at the time to see if it is appropriate. It is not something I have decided I am definately going to do, but just something I am considering if it seems right at the time.

[dlt1]

Very true, you have mush more 'face time' to deal with. You know your H, feel it out and go for it if you think the timing is there. Start small and prepare to back away. But if you get a good reaction, work with it. Don;t over do it either way. I'm sure you'll get it out nice a smooth!

[savingus77]

Update:

So friday night when I got home, he was already there (unusual) and pretty much from when I walked in the door he asked me how my therapy sessions were going and he initiated a conversation. It looks like we were on the same page for once in a long time!! As you know from my posts above - I was feeling like we needed to have some kind of talk. We ended up talking for about 1.5-2 hours and I would say it was good conversation in the sense that we were both open to what the other person was saying, but not good in the sense that we are still at an impass and there is still no real clear direction. Which I am OK with for now - again, not sure how long I can keep going like this - but for now I will continue to exert patience and trying to better myself.

Then surpisingly over the weekend, he seemed to be in much better spirits and a little nicer towards me. I actually got him to laugh and smile a couple times which was so nice for me to see - it feels like it has been forever since I have seen that smile.

I don't want to read anything into this as our situation still does not seem any different - but I feel like I have been refreshed with energy to continue on this long journey.

[Heimlich]

OK, someone will feel compelled to warn you, so it may as well be me -- prepare for the inevitable pull back from your H. When he does, don't chase and keep acting as you had been acting.

Patience.

BD

[savingus77]

I know...I just feel like I was at a point where I needed some sort of positive (however small it is) to continue along this path...