Am I seperated? Looking for support/advice...

[savingus77]

Hey!

No real new developments. Last night I was working out down in our basement when he got home and I came up and he had already taken something out to prepare for dinner which I thought was nice - but I can't really read anything into that b/c the man does love food! But for the most part he was pleasant during the evening - not like he asked me how my day was or anything - but at least his tone and responses to me were somewhat normal.

I am so looking forward to the concert tonight & to top it off it is free b/c my friends had an extra ticket - I'll just get them something nice as a thank-you.

I'll check in on your sitch in a little bit...

[savingus77]

The concert was awesome last night - we saw Def Leopard - those guys are amazing - they have to be in their late 40's -early 50's by now - and they still can rock like nobody's business.

Talked w/my friends alot about the sitch last night. Almost all of them say at this point that I have done everything I could and that they can't believe I have lasted this long. And then I come on this board & see how long everyone else has been in limbo-land and it makes my 2mos look like nothing! I know that they're just looking out for my best interest, but they are all kinda saying at this point that I should just move on. While I feel that I am nearing that point, I am not there yet & while I am trying to think of what is best for "me", I still am married and trying to think of what is best for "us".

Something that is really still getting to me that I just need to let go is our commuting home situation. Before Dday, we would generally take the same train home together & for the most part, now we have been taking different ones. But when he does happen to be on the same train - he is purposely sitting in a different car from me? Then we each get into our seperate cars and drive to our home and then we make dinner together? WTF is up with that? To me, it just seems childish. I have made it more than clear to him that I am trying to make this situation as comfortable as possible for him. I don't pressure or bug him with questions, I don't bring up R talk now unless he wants to, and I just try to make a few minutes of small chit-chat each day.

I brought it up to him when we got home casually with "so where you sitting on the train these days?". And he responded "Any car". I just felt like it is such an awkward thing that I did not want to question him about it, but I wanted to make sure that it was at least brought up to be known that it is awkward. Opinions anyone?

[Heimlich]

Saving,

Def Lep, awesome. Like being in high school again (well, for me anyway).

Don't listen to your friends. I can hear my family and friends kindof thinking "Why the hell are you still hanging on to hope/even open to making this work?" It still feels right. As long as you haven't given up, just ask your friends for support or to at least not disagree. This is hard enough without active verbal discouragement.

You're doing a better job than I did of giving your H space. Keep it up. Let the train thing go. Keep having fun and focusing on yourself because that's best for your M now. He might come around, he might not. Once you really understand that, it gets a little easier, though not easy.

You read about my last few days, don't do any of that
BD

[savingus77]

Thanks Heim - how ya doing today?

[Heimlich]

Just got back from D mediation. A little stunned as it becomes more real. I'll pull myself together in a bit and post on my thread.

Don't believe all is totally lost, but I'll admit it's looking a bit grim.

BD

[not an ex yet]

Glad to hear you had a good time!
I was kind of thinking the same thing as far as how long it has been for my sitch. He moved out June 1st, that is only a little over two months and I have already asked him to come back home two or three times! I guess we have to be patient.
I agree on the friend thing too. I know they are trying to help but when my friends and family try to tell me to give up or talk bad about him, it doesn't help, they are still our husbands. I find it is helping me putting my feelings and happenings on this site. It gets it out of my head enough that I don't necessarily feel I need to share every detail with all my friends.
You seem to be doing great giving him space. (I might get grief for saying this) But it almost seems like it would be better if he moved out for awhile. It sounds like he is just hanging around making himself (and you in the process) miserable. I am not by any means saying I think it is over or that you should give up, but it just seems like something needs to be "shaken" a little bit for the two of you to move forward. Just my opinion.

[savingus77]

Thanks for your honesty not an ex. I think I agree with you. I just really would prefer he would be the one to make that decision vs. me having to ask him. But it may have to come down to that...

Part of me was thinking of waiting until his next therapy session which is on thurs (1 week) but we'll see what happens this weekend.

When we got home last night he asked me how the concert was which I thought was nice & I was going to my therapy session and he actually offered to cook a steak for me while I was gone - which again I thought was nice and somewhat unexpected. When I got home from the therapy session I told him how much I appreciated him cooking the steak for me which I think he took sincerely. Then I tried to make some small talk with him. I hadn't seen him in 2 days, so I asked if anything was going on at work. His response was "Yes" - so I was like "oh really, what's going on?". And he responded seemingly annoyed "nothing, it is just busy". So I just let it be.

Then I told him that I had my review at my job and he said "What, did you get promoted again?". He said it with a smirk, so I think he was half kidding, but half serious. I can't help but feel that he is somewhat resentful of the fact that I have been very successful at my work. I don't think it is conscious on his part but something is definately behind the scenes there.

I did my own thing upstairs for a while and then came down to tell him "goodnight" and that was it.

Should be interesting to see what happens over the weekend...

[Heimlich]

Saving,

I wouldn't force the separation issue. Sounds like you're doing a great job of giving him space and not pushing for answers. Keep it up and stay patient.

Review my thread for the dangers of too many R talks.

He did a nice thing for you, so take that as a sign that he still cares for you. Just curious, but is he unsuccessful at his career and has he expressed resentment for that in the past?

BD

[savingus77]

I wouldn't say he is unsuccessful by any means, in fact I have always tried to tell him and get him to believe how smart he is & how lucky his company is to have him - but I think he has higher expectations of himself. I think he works twice as hard as I do, but I seem to have had the luck of the draw with my jobs/promotions.

I agree w/you on how damaging too many R talks can be - but I almost feel like it can be damaging to not discuss anything at all. I think there needs to be an appropriate balance. I think you also have to take the sitch & people's personalities into consideration and my H is not one to just openly express his feelings or come right out and say something. It is difficult for him (sometimes for me too!) - so I feel like every once & a while I need to reach out to him, to find out about his thoughts and to let him know that I am open to him. Also, knowing that one of the major issues in our relationship is communication - I feel as though not discussing it would just be perpetuating that issue. Does that make sense?

[Heimlich]

That makes perfect sense, just tread lightly. I do think there is a balance to talking about the R, but only if your partner is open and willing.

I'm tending to the belief that focus on yourself, be pleasant toward your H, maybe even invite him to do something with you now and again (something low key) will get you further than bringing up the R. I believe you've expressed your feelings towards him already, so he knows. It seems like periodically taking a temperature reading of the R is often counterproductive.

BD