Madonna/Whore Complex (part 7)

[Heywyre]

Cobra,

I thank you for your words of encouragement

Having said that, I have a few comments of my own - please feel free to enlighten me with your reply

Yes, I totally agree that I am fortunate my H is going for counselling - however, that was a "condition" that was established at the time he went on AD for the depression. Now he is talking about "weening" himself off them. And, I can tell you right now, if he goes off them completely, I will no longer be in this M. That is the primary reason the second A happened. He went off the AD, fell back into a deep depression and it happened all over again.

Resentment? - Yes, there is no doubt I probably harboured quite a bit for a long time, particularly after the first A, but I truly believe I have let that go. I have come to realize this is not something he consciously did to hurt me, it is a deep hurt within himself and he is punishing himself, not me. That is something I empathize with, not harbour resentment about

We were both pleased with both counsellors (a rare exception to the rule I suppose) but I truly believe we exhausted their expertise and I, in particular, have felt in the last couple of sessions that my H needed to see someone one-on-one to address his particular avoidance issues. I do not necessarily believe a rest period would be a good thing for my H. He has a tendancy to fall right back into his old ways pretty quickly when allowed to "rest". We have made progress (much to my H's denial of that) and I am not about to let it slip away and have to start all over again (aside from the fact, this has cost us a fortune we don't have)

1) Why have you stayed with your H over the years after all he has done? Be honest about this because a healthy person would have left him, or at least separated, after the first affair. What did you gain by staying, or at least, what did you feel you avoided by not leaving? What is your vulnerability?

Our ST asked me this some time ago (and I wasn't allowed to say "because I love him") and there isn't one particular reason, I have a number of them, some to do with values and morals and others to do with my vulnerabilities. I am a very nurturing person by nature, I don't find it difficult or an effort to be that way with anyone (my H comments on it all the time). However, I do know part of what I struggle with is from my childhood and how "nothing was ever good enough" for my mother. I KNOW this about myself and I have done a lot of work to overcome this barrier.

What did I gain by staying - keeping my best friend. Regardless of what he did, he is and will always be my best friend. As a matter of fact, if there was one thing I would have to pick that started to turn things around for us was when I said "regardless of what happens between us, will you still be my friend". He just sat there and we have talked about that question, with and without the MC, and he said it was a real changing moment in his mind. For the first time he realized I was not only his wife, but also his friend and he said "I wouldn't treat my friend like that, why am I treating my wife like that".

He has NEVER had a wife/gf that was a friend and a sexual partner. It was either one or the other. This R is the first one that has both and he doesn't know how to combine the two. That is the primary thing we are dealing with

How have you created a safe space for your H to express his fears and vulnerability? How have you shown your compassion and concern for him in a way that allows him to open up without shame? How have you allowed yourself to be a softer, more vulnerable partner than your H so that he must step up to rescue you,

He does not acknowledge/admit to any fears or vulnerability. He says there is nothing wrong with him, his emotions are what I see and he is hiding nothing. How do you get through that? I bet if you asked my H (because he has told oodles of people) he would say I was the most compassionate person he knows. As a matter of fact he even told the MC one day that he doesn't know how I live with him because he would find it extremely frustrating living with someone like him.

He also does not want to rescue me - he wants a W that is secure and independent. His other relationships involved women that required rescuing and he isn't with them is he?

I truly was NOT needy before his A's but I know afterwards I started questioning myself (which is natural) and became clingy for a while

We BOTH have a problem with always wanting to be "right" and I think most people do. However, we are also both very open-minded and have always heard the other person out. We do not have the "pulling hair" variety of discussions (we don't call them arguments because they aren't - however they might escalate to heated discussions)

No, it should not be difficult to express my emotions to my H and I have improved on that 110% BUT, when you express your emotions and get shot down, it isn't exactly encouraging is it? But, regardless of his "attacks" I have been following through with the MC suggestions and voicing my feelings regardless of whether he wants to hear them or not - is it working? Who's to say because I don't get much in the way of positive feedback (and I don't yell and scream or use "you" - I strictly use "I" scenarios)

There was no limitations/restrictions on his "family unit" - he did what he wanted, regardless of what his parents thought. I won't say he was a difficult child but his growing up with a little out of the norm and didn't leave much room for problems. The "problems" started when he was in his 20's. He says his life was happy "until I started getting involved with women" - you can make your own assumptions from there

There are oodles of times I have "stepped back" in order to allow him the space he needs and sometimes I feel I gave him too much space, which in turn was part of the problem that led to the As in my mind