I know you have complained that CAC is way to intellectual and analytical, that he is out of touch with his emotions and not impulsive enough, but I tell ya, after reading through your last few posts, the line between you two is starting to blur.
In some ways I think you are your own worst enemy. I can’t even imagine the internal conversations you must have with yourself. I think a lot of what Lil has discussed concerning the work of Byron Katie may be helpful for you.
The closest I think I have come to this is on the tennis court, believe it or not. In high school I would get myself into a mess and choke up in a match. I was trying too hard and questioning every mis-hit. That only led to more mis-hits and more internal talk on what to do and not do, how to swing, how to position myself, how to step into the shot, etc, etc, etc. What I did not know at the time was that the best thing to do is not talk at all. Just let my body take over and perform the motions I had trained it to do. Byron Katie emphasizes this very same thing. Stanley Block takes a similar approach in “Come to Your Senses: Demystifying the Mind Body Connection.”
Actually, I sometimes worry that I can't compete with myself, the self I am when I'm ovulating. That I set the bar based on how I am during ovulation and then I don't measure up the rest of the month.
I do not have confidence in my abilities to feel sexual on demand. It is not something I feel all day long like many of you. It is here and there, fleeting, appearing in certain situations, disappearing in others. Again, it depends on many factors like those I listed above.
I can understand this, and I think CAC can too. But in all honesty, I think it will be hard for either of us to know what to do to help you, other than be empathic. A lot of this is your internal battle. The only thing I would do if I were in CAC’s shoes would be to help you push the envelope of your sexual awareness and help you build your confidence in your abilities.
So imagine if you will, trying to attempt to do something, not having confidence in your ability to do it, but knowing that you need to try, that you want to try, and that if you don't try, or if you fail, you'll disappoint not only yourself but another person whom you love deeply. Ugh. Doesn't sound very good, does it?
No, it doesn’t sound good. It also doesn’t sound very attractive. A passive man lacking in confidence is not attractive to a woman. He has to learn how to step up his alpha level. Maybe you have a similar chore? I think my wife has the same need. I have wanted to get her some books on getting in touch with her femininity, but we all know how well that would go over. Corri has discussed Mama Gena. Maybe she could offer some more guidance on this.
I am a classic Highly Sensitive Person (sorry Lou, but it's true ). I have had sensory issues my whole life. I find the bright sun almost painful without sunglasses; I have tactile issues, for example, I wear gloves when handling raw meat because I can't stand the feel of it, and I'm getting wrinkled unnessecarily because I can't stand the feel of skin lotion on my fingers; smells can make me physically ill, or at least terribly distracted.
"A deflection to avoid too much intimacy." What does that mean, exactly? That seems a little vague to me. Can you explain how she can want sex but then avoid it emotionally?
I am familiar with this. My wife says she was a lot like this as a child, not so much to sunlight, but to tactile sensations. My middle daughter is like this too. I have noticed that my wife can flip in and out of this extra sensory mode, depending on the situation. She seems to use it as an excuse to back off situations when intimacy is too much. For instance, she claims that she does not like to French kiss because she can’t breath. But she breathes fine at other times, and she is not a mouth breather. I think this is just a deflection.
She has also used sensory excuses during sex. Rather than focus on how good sex feels, she focuses on the pillow or something as a reason why she can’t focus on an O. She wants the O and the sensations of sex, but she is not comfortable with the vulnerability that comes with sex. She has a hard time opening up and allowing herself to connect emotionally. That is scary for her. That would mean dropping her long standing resentments. That would mean giving up the one up position she likes to have. That would mean reliving her FOO.
So she puts up an emotional barrier but still partakes in the physical enjoyment. That’s a tough wall to crack.
I'm not sure that the reason I want sex is to get closer. I want sex because it feels good, because I love him, because cac feels loved when he has sex with me, because we can love each other in that unique way, because a good sex life will improve the quality of our R and our lives in general, and because I've wasted enough time missing the boat.
But all this will bring you two closer. Be sure that in striving for what you state that you are not put off by the other things that with them. To feel loved and help CAC feel loved means becoming vulnerable. IT means dropping excuses and deflections. It means purposefully pushing aside and blocking out things you have used in the past to put up emotional defenses, including overcoming any sensory issues, at least to the extent you can.
He has smoked since he was 16. I married him because I was in love with him. Several people have commented to me over the years that they hate smoking so much they could never marry a smoker. My response was, "well look what I would have missed out on if I had split up with cac just because he smoked." I suppose in my youth I assumed that he would quit at some point.
So you hoped he would quit smoking, but the fact that he did smoke was not enough to repulse you. I would guess you had the same sensory issues then that you do now, perhaps even more so. How were you able to overcome his smoking then but you cannot do so now? How much of the repulsion you feel now is based on his smoking and how much could be wrapped up in other things, like resentment? Nothing wrong with that, you have a right to be resentful, but knowing it is a part of the mix can help you to direct it in an appropriate way and at the appropriate times.
