Trudging up hill

[ediemarie]

Ok - so we had a little R talk last night. I did not initiate it, but I always feel like I reveal too much and H reveals nothing. I don't know that it should even matter one way or the other but I always walk away feeling like I have the short end of the stickl. He ALWAYS knows where I stand on stuff and I never know where he stands on things. I guess that is THE power struggle and I'm trying to get to the point where it doesn't matter who knows more about what the other one is feeling. Should it matter??

Anyway, long story short, H is having a difficult time relating to my parents lately. And rightly so. They have helped both of us tremendously over the last year and know most of what is going on between H and I. I have mixed emotions about that and with H's latest behavior I have been very guarded with what I tell my parents. They know the big picture (H left in middle of night recently etc etc) but not any of the details. I feel like it will one day really hinder any relationship building between H and my folks so I've been venting elsewhere and not to them. My Mom called me the other day to see how things were going and I was being very vague in my responses and was upfront in telling her that I didn't want to speak with her about what was happening because it was between H and I and didn't want to ruin the relationship between my Mom and H. Anyway, after hanging up I was annoyed with the whole sitch - not with H or even with my mom, just the whole sitch sucked and I was feeling that.

Well, my father also spoke to H about his recent behavior and while H calmly spoke with my father about it, it has been eating at H all week. Last night H vented to me about "being done" with my folks. I just let him talk about this and didn't say too much. Just affirmed what he felt, thought, etc. In retrospect I think he was just venting. Feeling guilty, annoyed, etc. And claimed that I have been "funny" all week - sited my mood after speaking with my mom to be one of the "funny" moments. I asked a definition for funny - he said just not yourself.

So I then asked if he really wanted to go down this line of conversation and he said he did...I said ok. I calmly told him that I have been trying to be really patient with him as we work through putting our R back together. And that I have been really struggling with letting him make the decisions he needs to make without me pressuring him or pushing him to act in any way. He asked what I meant by that and I told him well, I feel that you are stalling in calling Retrouvaille and I'm not sure why you are stalling. I explained that it certainly can't hurt our m to attend and that it really does seem to be "a less invasive procedure then MC" as it's just us dealing with us. I also explained that his job sitch bothers me, but I do recognize that these are his decisions that he needs to make and that I am struggling with being patient while he concentrates on doing what it is he needs to do. I complemented on some changes he has made and said I don't want to make a big deal out of any of this, I just have been having a hard time with the whole sitch. He replied that these decisions are his decisions and that he doesn't want to be pressured by anyone to make them. I agreed and we left it at that.

This morning H made me breakfast (a pleasant surprise) and told me that he was going to call Retrouvaille today. Now I feel like I pressured him into it and am feeling guilty...