I was thinking the other day that I am actually scared to see H. Scared that the rollercoasterI am on would be bigger (that I put myself on now), scared that he would totally reject me (not that he hasn't). I think I am starting to internalize the "I can't do anything for/to him". Maybe? I don't want contact with him but I do want to know he still there. Does that make sense? I was trying to remember the "before M me". Guys would pass through my life. If they stayed that was ok, if they went that was ok. I didn't mind/weep worry (or at least seem to). How do I get back to that non caring? Is H totally gone and there is no hope? I guess that is my biggest worry. I don't mind waiting, if there is hope. I keep reminding myself the 3 good things: 1)he isn't going for D 2)he doesn't contact anyone else (parents, etc) 3)I really believes that he loves me (I want to count the flowers but I believe they will stop next year as he moves deeper into the tunnel). Am I a fool?
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
