The Confrontation, followed by angry denial

[impatient]

Having serious trouble DBing and had a major backslide last night. Rather new to the whole thing. Here's the not-so-short story:

Jan-Jun 07 - H out drinking most weeknights, ignoring me and all chores. Lots of fighting. In his words, "living work hard/play hard lifestyle."

6/30/07 - "ILY but not in love" bomb dropped.

July - Discovered this site, read DR, trying to 180 and GAL. Productive R talks--always initiated by him. H wants to work on M, wants to go to MC. H did stop bad behavior and was home mostly but very distant, sulking. Tried my best to stay upbeat and GAL all month. Lots of tension.

8/4/07 - My suspicions confirmed via snooping: his "things I know/don't know" notes that included "I've cheated and lied about it," cryptic but suggestive emails with more than 1 female coworker, note with home address of one of these women--Katie--in same pocket with condoms (I suppose I should be happy about that!). Continued DBing with broken heart.

Last night...
Joined him for drinks after work for one of his coworker's goodbye party and learned that Katie's out of town (so that's why I'm suddenly invited.) Kept my cool but left before him, H home just a bit later. Not coping well, not a good poker face, but tried to keep my mouth shut. But he asked and asked...

M: I know you've cheated on me and need to know the whole truth, that it's over, so I can heal and forgive, so that I know you're serious about working on our M.

H: Outright denial... then have kissed some girls... then kissed one coworker (who happens to have left his company recently and is not Katie) one time a few months ago, late, at bar, totally incidental (whatever that means!). Didn't think anyone knew about that.

M: And what were you doing going to Katie's home?

H: Just to get a mower out of her car once and to set up a playset another time. Been to Kim's house too, and so-and-so's, blah blah blah. Yes, I have women friends. But would never jeopardize career by sleeping with someone from work. (Can't believe he actually said that out loud!)

At this point, H turns tables and goes into angry tirade, name-calling, always/never talk, etc. Not sure M is salvageable. I just went quiet, went to bed. Without being asked, he stayed in the guestroom. This morning, I got a kiss on the cheek with a have a nice day. This afternoon, an email with contact info for 3 MCs he got via the employee assistance program. I guess that means he's not out the door yet.

I know I did this all wrong but couldn't help it and not sure I care, not sure I want to be with a liar and a cheat. Realize that I need to calm down, take it slow, get back to serious DBing.

But, assuming we make it to an MC, I can't DB while I'm there, right? The lies, the cheating, it's all got to go on the table at the first appointment, right? I'm confused about how I handle myself at the MC session.

[Dr LOve]

Hey IMP,

You said "I know I did this all wrong but couldn't help it and not sure I care, not sure I want to be with a liar and a cheat. Realize that I need to calm down, take it slow, get back to serious DBing.


First what happened happened, there is no wrong or right there is just different. We all back slide. You just need to wipe yourself off and start DBing again. You got it off your chest. Now don't snoop again. Don't mention Katie again. (Except if it comes up in MC)

Then:
But, assuming we make it to an MC, I can't DB while I'm there, right? The lies, the cheating, it's all got to go on the table at the first appointment, right? I'm confused about how I handle myself at the MC session. "

Yes you can DB/GAL there is nothing wrong with it. You are not cheating you are living. And what is put on the table during MC is up to both of you. That is the place to get it out but what happens there should stay there.

Husband (trying to take Theo's place)

[saffie]

Yes you can DB/GAL there is nothing wrong with it. You are not cheating you are living. And what is put on the table during MC is up to both of you. That is the place to get it out but what happens there should stay there.

Quite right. And do these things for you so even if your H does turn out to be a lying cheating SOB, (which he may well not be),

you still end up with a better life and feeling better about yourself whatever the outcome.

Good Luck

Saffie

[Heartbroken]

Hello IMP,

First off there is not just one true way to DB - some things work in one sitch and not another. You need to be true to you and only you know how your H is going to respond. I handled it like you - demanding the truth.

MC is not the cure all either - unfortunately it's so dependent on the C and there are more bad ones than good ones.

Use DB'ing as your guideline and how it fits in your sitch - only your gut will tell you how to be...

Hang in there the long roller coaster ride is going to get bumpy before things get better!!

HB

[Concerned_Listener]

Impatient,
I'm not sure what you describe is a backslide, but a revelation of where your H and M are currently at.

I'd like to hear more about the R talks you had in July, and what your GAL and 180 efforts were. I'm glad you read DR, because your DB efforts are just starting.

MC is worth a try. It will reveal his level of commitment to working on issues. It could certainly benefit you having a therapist to talk to. It will help to hear an outside perspective on where they think the M stands.

It sounds like your H is ambivalent about the M. That's OK. It still gives you something to work with. He's not on a fast track to D, so there is still time to turn things around.

CL

[impatient]

Thanks all for your support and advice. I've been reading your posts and feel such heartbreak and admiration for your strength. Your stories comfort and inspire and help me appreciate what I have.

July was a very productive month. H did most of the talking: unhappy for a few years, tried to motivate me, make me happy but nothing ever worked, no fun together anymore, no common interests. H feels that he's missing out on life and I'm to blame, wants to party, wants the sports car, overwhelmed with feelings and confusion. I mostly listened, told him I didn't know, told him that I'm sorry.

My GALs/180s: no more sleeping in, no more couch potato and constant TV, yoga, reconnecting with friends on the phone, out w/friends a few times, activities (some faked) taking me out of the house all day on the weekends, after-work cocktails with H and how-was-your-day chatter, showing more affection, upped my sex drive (still confused about that).

During this, he "behaved" by not going out all the time but when at home, he was mostly checked out, distant, on the PC all the time. Not interested in joining me. Constant mood changes. Had noticed my 180 (yes, that's the word he used!) and had mixed feelings/anger: behaved/planned under assumption that I would never change, why didn't I do this before. Told him that I noticed sometimes my ILYs went unreturned and seemed to hurt him. H said that was true, he's up/down emotionally. Told him that I would stop then bc the rejection hurts me. H said he was sorry, does love me, has no boundaries, wants me to speak up. Although he said to do so, when I do speak up or say ILY, he appears pained by it so I've tried to stop.

So yesterday he came home and we spent the night watching TV together as if nothing had happened the night before. It felt a bit awkward and distant but at bedtime, he did come to bed with me and he held my hand.

He woke me this morning to say happy anniversary (it's our 5th today) and kissed me on the cheek. As planned, we're going downtown tomorrow for an overnight to "celebrate." I'm nervous and will work very hard to make it a happy date night.

Monday is our first official MC. We had gone to someone last week through my employee program but it was just an assessment and referral. MC thought we had a strong foundation to rebuild our M.

Thanks to this board and all of you, I'm much calmer now and getting my mind back on track to DBing.

[saffie]

impatient

MC thought we had a strong foundation to rebuild our M.

Well that's a good thought to hold on to

Glad you are feeling calmer now. Keep posting so we know how you are doing.

Saffie

[RedHeadWife]

All of your H's complaints sound a lot like mine. I too had a HUGE sex drive, suddenly realized how sexy H was still to me, etc. Just keep going and stay positive. The insecurities will show and slow progress. I know, easier said than done, but just be happy