The thing you really need to work on is the control and snooping. Not only do they backfire, but your going to feel much worse if you find out something that you didn't want to know (especially if it's something from the past that she's already stopped doing, or something innocent that you take the wrong way. I know because i've experienced both!)
As have I. Couple of years ago I came across a journal entry that I really didn't want to see and it was something that had already ended. I've also read an instant message log that I interpreted completely wrong. I went back to it recently and realized that what I had seen as serious boundary crossing was actually a very innocent conversation. This suspicion sat in the back of my head for a good nine months. Duh! As tempting as it is to pick up the cell phone and look, I have sworn off the snooping.
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The questioning about OM's and how far those R's have gone are just no good. If she tells you yes, your gonna hurt more than ever before and loose control for a while again. If she tells you no, your gonna think she's hiding something and wonder if she is having an A. Her hearing you question her pushes her away from you, and shows her that your controlling (especially if she isn't having an A.) The biggest thing is, it really doesn't matter. I know that seems impossible to believe/follow, but if you want to be with her in the future, you'll have to forgive an A that you know about or stop thinking about possible A's that you've considered. (Both lead to the same point, you getting over it to be with her.)
This is another thing that I have come to accept or so I tell myself. Really a tough one. I've read a couple of places that coming clean with an A is an essential part of the healing process. I guess though that I'm not anywhere near that point. I'm just speculating now about an EA in the first place. You're right, my inquiring is just more controlling and pushing. No more questioning. If things turn around for us and something needs to be discussed in the future so be it.
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If you start acting different (preferrably how you intend to be in the future when you've made your permanent changes), she'll notice and open up a bit in time (it may take a long time.) She's going to test you (even if she doesn't know it), every interaction you have with her is being judged. If you do "more of the same", your going to get the same reactions, and reinforce her decision to leave. Give it time, it works (and I know it's hard, you just have to trust us.)
It is sinking in and I am working on it.
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We don't judge, just try to prevent you from making our mistakes (they tend to hurt worse.) You know your sitch, and you will do what you have to. We are just here to try to make it easier. It doesn't matter if you slip, just try harder next time. Best of luck, keep trying... it does get better.
The advice and experience from everyone on this board has helped tremendously. Thanks for all of you support NJ. I noticed that you posted your reponse sometime after 3AM. Hard time sleeping?
