Weird stuff about OW

[runningoutoftime]

I recently learned some strange stuff about OW, and it made me realize how manipulative and opportunistic some people can be. In some ways it's really difficult for me to believe anyone can be this incredibly selfish and shallow. I know not every OP is like this, but there are some who are almost predatory...

First I'll give some background for anyone unfamiliar with my sitch.... over a year ago my husband was in a management class through work. This was a once-a-month class where employees from other parts of the company (thoughtout the U.S.) would fly in for a week and attend one week of daily classes 8-5. Some evenings after class all the classmates would go out for dinner, socialize, etc.... Anyhow, after a couple of months my husband started hiding his cell phone, getting SUPER angry at me about little things, and saying he wanted a divorce... tensions got higher, he moved down stairs, he became angrier and filed for divorce.

Just before the filing, I did hire a PI, got his cell phone records and learned about OW (i.e. personal info., address, husband's name, 2-year-old child, etc...) I contacted OW and told her that I was going to tell her husband about everything. She completely denied the affair. I sent a copy of the phone records to her husband. Apparently she was able to assure her husband nothing was going on and continued her affair (long distance). I eventually learned about her husband's work number, called him direct and shared all information I knew. The $hit hit the fan!!! Everyone flipped out, she said she loved her husband and would never talk to mine again. My husband was furious at me... but I didn't care we were in divorce. I only told her husband because I felt he had a right to know and maybe there was a chance he could fiigure out what was missing in the marriage and create a better one.

Well... that all was over a year ago. sooo....

Recently, a very good friend of mine was out with a woman she recently met. This woman happens to live with a guy my husband worked with. Also, they both had been in that management class. Apparently this woman was very upset with her boyfriend. She said he has this "cozy" friendship with a woman from work. Her boyfriend tells her she shouldn't be upset because this woman lives in another state, is married and has a little baby. She mentions the woman's name to my friend and my friend puts two and two together and realizes it was my husband's OW!!!!

In other words OW has been having multiple affairs!!! Maybe even had an affair with my H and this OW's boyfriend at the same time!!! (Yuck!!!). This boyfriend she has is no winner. His marriage ended because he had a problem with affairs. The details I learned is that their relationship has mostly been through the computer and phone (the class has been over for a long time)... He shared the emails with his girlfriend and she learned that they complained about their problems to each other. Her unhappiness with her husband and he was sharing any problems with his girlfriend. She'd also send sexy photos of herself, describe her lingere and write things like... "Are you still with that woman?" never referring to her by name.

Anyhow... that's the crummy stuff I learned about OW. It kind of makes me angry that this person seems to enjoy searching out weak, troubled men, wheedling into their lives by sharing her problems, encouraging them to share theirs and creating a relationship based on this.... then working to destroy other people's relationships.

[NikB]

Yep. Sounds exactly like the one in my sitch. It's really sickening.

[verycrazy]

You know, I have been wondering something. The ow my H was (or is) seeing called him one day to say someone had painted a red "W" on her mailbox, and did he suppose it stood for wh*re.
Well, I wondered if she did it herself to hope my H would think I had done it. But, I wonder if she could have been messing around with someone else's H at the same time. And maybe that wife painted the scarlet letter on her mailbox. Seeing what you wrote, made me wonder....

L

[NikB]

Verycrazy - both possibilities - of course you'll probably never know.

I think it's funny if someone else DID do it that she immediately thought that was what the "W" stood for. Well gee.. if all it takes is a letter for you to assume that it's 1. about you and 2. stands for wh*re... maybe it's time to do a little self reflection?? I mean seriously.. it could've been the water company marking where the "w"ater main was or something.

I have sometimes fantasized about having someone whose voice she wouldn't know call OW and tell her "leave my husband alone," and then be a fly on the wall while she tried to figure out which wife had called.

[cat03]

Hey nikky, do I have blackmail material! Certain unbecoming picts could show up in the most unexpected places... OK OK, nope, not a good idea, but i fantasize about it, a little , he he.


RT, nothing would surprise me from that kind of women, they are called "black widows" preying on men.

[oldtimer]

You might ask why you tell the story this way.

Why don't you tell it as follows:

"I learned something so sad about OW today. Apparently another guy already who is supposed to be in a committed R has been preying on her. It is so sad that she is vulnerable to the attention of men who are willing to mess up her life and her M just to get their rocks off somehow. Apparently, they are attracted to her because she can empathize with their pain. But, that isn't enough for them. They have to drag her into an EA just so they can keep getting their selfish needs met. At this point, OW has been so used and manipulated by these guys that it actually just makes her an easier target for the next guy to come along."

Cheating husbands are not innocent victims of femme fatales. Too many women here blame their H's infidelity on a third party.

[oldtimer]

Better yet, write the story from OW's H's perspective.

Get some balance. Hanging on to the comforting idea that your H's betrayal is OW's fault infantalizes your H and keeps you stuck.

[NikB]

OT - not sure if your post was to me or just in general. But wanted to say I do agree, it was a big moment of realization for me when I saw that it was H in the wrong. It was a lot easier and less painful to blame her.

I still have that fleeting fantasy once in awhile though... less and less often as time goes on, but it does pop up at times.

[SDFoundGirl]

OT is totally right. When I let go of holding the OW responsible, it was the start of letting go of my own hurt and pain.

Your H is a big boy, and he chose that affair himself. It's his responsibility, not hers (not in your M anyway).

SD

[runningoutoftime]

OT,

Great point. Although I do know quite a bit about her and it was mutual preying.

I don't in any way think my husband or this other guy are not to "blame." Everyone involved was weak, selfish and opportunistic.

One thing I find disappointing is she was suppose to be working on her marriage. She had insisted (to me) she loved her husband, and was happy with her marriage. I think it's sad that when her husband became aware of everything, she didn't "wake up," and decide to seriously work on the marriage. I had really hoped she would try to work on things.... at least for her child...

By the way, I do have a few friends (3 women... 4 men I can think of off the top of my head) who would call themselves cheaters and are willing enter in relationships regardless of whether the other person is married or not. They'd laugh at your description of it being a weakness. (They also think my outlook is totally narrow minded and outdated).

Maybe they haven't "woke up"... maybe they never will, and instead will wonder when we will "wake up" to their reality.... perhaps they are completely happy with what they are doing in their lives. Everything is a matter of perspective.