Where do these panicky feelings come from and why do you think you have them? Why are you unsure if you can “actually pull it off?” What exactly are you worried about? I don’t understand your statement.
I think this is the hardest thing to explain to an HD person. I have the impression that HD people, well men anyway, are pretty much ready for sex pretty much all the time. It's like you just switch a flip and bingo! 0-60 in an instant. It's always there whenever you need it. I know this is a generalization, but that's the way it seems.
Let me tell you, I WISH it were that simple for me. I would love to just be ready for sex at the drop of a hat. But I'm not, most of the time. Sadly, I think I actually was more ready physically when I was younger, but I was all messed up with my issues, so I didn't take advantage of it.
So, I'll say it. It takes work. Mental effort. Switching of gears. Letting go of worries. Switching of hats. Sometimes I can do it, and sometimes I can't. It depends on a whole bunch of factors including time of the month, time of the day (I am not a night person), how long it's been since I got QT, how long it's been since my last argument with cac, how my day went with S4, smells and other sensory issues, and so on. The only time these are not issues is during ovulation when I'm taking a hormone bath. If cac and I are to have hot monkey sex, it's then. But I know that it won't last and then I'm sort of on my own.
Actually, I sometimes worry that I can't compete with myself, the self I am when I'm ovulating. That I set the bar based on how I am during ovulation and then I don't measure up the rest of the month.
I do not have confidence in my abilities to feel sexual on demand. It is not something I feel all day long like many of you. It is here and there, fleeting, appearing in certain situations, disappearing in others. Again, it depends on many factors like those I listed above.
So imagine if you will, trying to attempt to do something, not having confidence in your ability to do it, but knowing that you need to try, that you want to try, and that if you don't try, or if you fail, you'll disappoint not only yourself but another person whom you love deeply. Ugh. Doesn't sound very good, does it?
You sound very sensitive to your surroundings. Are you ADD by chance?
I am a classic Highly Sensitive Person (sorry Lou, but it's true ). I have had sensory issues my whole life. I find the bright sun almost painful without sunglasses; I have tactile issues, for example, I wear gloves when handling raw meat because I can't stand the feel of it, and I'm getting wrinkled unnessecarily because I can't stand the feel of skin lotion on my fingers; smells can make me physically ill, or at least terribly distracted.
I've read about symptoms of ADD and they don't seem to fit. Crazy Eddie and I talked about this a bit on his thread.
I *used to* be very sensitive to surroundings and typically had a laundry list of things that had to be done or in place or what have you in order to have sex. I know that was frustrating for Cac, because the list was always changing. I'm sure some of you men can relate. I don't think I'm like that so much now. I've changed/matured/mellowed and things that used to bug me don't affect me so much.
My wife does a little of what you describe, though different things. IMO, she is not so worried about what is happening on the TV, or the state of the curtains, or what happened with the kids, but rather she is using all of that as a deflection to avoid too much intimacy. She might want sex, but when it comes down to it, she avoids it emotionally. This is an avoidance tactic and a FOO issue.
"A deflection to avoid too much intimacy." What does that mean, exactly? That seems a little vague to me. Can you explain how she can want sex but then avoid it emotionally?
So you want sex to get closer, but then you deflect because you are now too close, then feel guilty for pushing him away…. Have I got that right?
I'm not sure that the reason I want sex is to get closer. I want sex because it feels good, because I love him, because cac feels loved when he has sex with me, because we can love each other in that unique way, because a good sex life will improve the quality of our R and our lives in general, and because I've wasted enough time missing the boat.
What attracted you to CA in the first place?
He was a good listener. He was my friend. He was really cute. He was really intelligent. Competent is a good word to describe cac. He was everything my father was not, right down to his physical build and coloring. I wrote at length about this when I started posting in Feb. He took me for an airplane ride when he was 20, and I was smitten. I remember specifically sitting behind him in his father's Champ (single engine tail dragger with pilot in the front, passenger seat right behind) and feeling sexually attracted to him -- his broad shoulders, command of the aircraft, confidence in his abilities as a pilot. His behavior was extremely manly and it was sexy. That was right around the time our relationship switched from friends to dating.
I will assume he has been smoking for some time, probably when you first stated dating. Why did you marry him if his smoking repulsed you? Or was it repulsive back then?
He has smoked since he was 16. I married him because I was in love with him. Several people have commented to me over the years that they hate smoking so much they could never marry a smoker. My response was, "well look what I would have missed out on if I had split up with cac just because he smoked." I suppose in my youth I assumed that he would quit at some point.
). I have had sensory issues my whole life. I find the bright sun almost painful without sunglasses; I have tactile issues, for example, I wear gloves when handling raw meat because I can't stand the feel of it, and I'm getting wrinkled unnessecarily because I can't stand the feel of skin lotion on my fingers; smells can make me physically ill, or at least terribly distracted.