Almost a WAW

[sandi2]

Hummmm........locked up. Well, ok, I am going to come to "piecing". I hope I am ready for this. I was in Newcomers and you can find my thread there.

A lot has been going on in my life....in some areas.....spiritual areas, and my job, etc. As far as my M...well, I think I can say we are back to where our "normal" was before I hit MLC or whatever it was that happen to me. As you know, if you have followed my stitch, my H and I have not been sexually intimate for many years. It is a long story so you would need to go back and catch up to understand. Anyway, we have not returned to being sexually active, but there is always hope. That hope lies within myself. No, I take that back...it lies within God. Because I don't think I will ever get that desire for my H without God putting it in me. I have prayed, begged, pleaded....to God over the years to have that feeling for my H. However, I just did not want to have sex with H. He always thought I was frigid. I decided something was wrong with me. We went so long without ML that I thought he could not perform any more. So, I didn't talk about it and I didn't encourage it. Anyway, I got involved in playing games on line and "chatting" with others and that led to other chat rooms and that led to OM. And that led to trouble! I had all the signs of a MLC...although I was too old for a MLC! Guess my brain did not know that! I would have walked away form my H and my M if I had had the finances to support myself apart from his help. I knew he would not move out and would not help me. My life was so miserable that I thought I was going to have a stroke or a heart attack from the stress....or give him one. The worst part of this entire mess is the fact that my grown D and maybe my GS found the IM that I was sending the OM before my H discovered the messages. Can you even begin to imagine how humiliating that is? Well, it is either get your heart right with God and straighten up your life....or run away. My elderly mom lives nearby and depends on me, plus my other children and GC live here. So, I really didn't want to run away....although I did feel like it some days. So, I had some serious decisions to make. Fist, I had to decide who (which man) I was going to spend my life with....my H or the OM. I chose my H. Secondly, I had to withdraw from the OM. But, I was so weak and really didn't know how....no...I did know, but I did not WANT to withdraw from him. But, that is where wise experienced people on this board helped me. They were so brutely honest with me that it woke me up! Then they were so encouraging to me and helped me through some mighty rough spots.

My life has done a lot of turn abouts over the past couple of months. As I have said befoe, I feel as though I have been through a "crash course", but it has been worth it.

I don't want to give the impression that I am healed or we have made it to the end or anything like that. We are back to where we were....but that is not good enough, because that, I think, is why I got into the condition that I was in to start with. You may disagree and are welcome to express that to me. But, I think if I had been satisfied and happy with myself and my MR, I would not have gone "looking" and "flirting" with danger (OM). Although I never had a PA, I did have an EA and had the embarrasing cybersex. (That is not easy to admit.) You see, I became someone I did not even recognize! How could I expect my own family to know what the heck was going on with me?

My poor H did all the "wrong" things at first. It was so unlike him to act the way he did. He would snoop, and spy. He would follow me around the house, watch every move I made.....everything that drove me crazy! He had always given me plenty of privacy and space....but I betrayed his trust!

I was ready to walk out the door...with or without the finances because I could not stand him one more minute! I told him to back away and now! Leave me alone and give me plenty of space! He did and quickly. That is what saved our marriage. Although, he used "tough love", and by that I mean that he told me what he would not tollerate under his roof. But you know, if you really want to do something....you will find a way and a time. So, it was still up to me to make that decision....he could not MAKE me do it! You cannot control another person. Everytime he tried to control me....I would rebel that much more.

So, here I am in "piecing" and hope I will continue to hear from my best friends and make some new ones.