There and Back, #2

[SallyM]

I guess. but somehow, someday, I have to stop caring. I have to move on. I do. and logically I know I need to....just don't know what it will take. he asked me a few weeks ago what it would "f-ing take" for me to stop loving him. his words. nice, huh? I guess I don't know. I know I don't like him...I know I am moving further away from him. but I can't seem to let completely go. I really am wondering what it will take for me to finally release him completely.

didn't share my dream last night, but I can't seem to shake it, so I guess I will now. in my dream, I was at this party, at her house. but it wasn't the ow that he is having an affair with...apparently he was also having an affair with this woman, was in love with her, had basically created a whole life with her. It was bizarre...I kept going into rooms looking to get a glimpse of her. I wasn't angry, more stunned/surprised/confused. I kept running into all of her friends and family, who had believed H and I were already divorced, etc. I kept missing her, but I did open a door and there H was, sitting on a chair in her kids' room (she had two sons, this mystery woman). he was singing them a lullaby and softly playing guitar (he does have a guitar, but doesn't know how to play, so that alone was weird). H looked more at home and happy than I have seen him look in a long time...certainly since the bomb anyway. he looked up at me and nodded, but like he would to anyone walking into the scene...just kind of an acknowledgement of presence. a while later we talked and he was telling me about all these instances of him being gone on business trips, or just out in trade for the day, or whatever, it turned out he was really with her. my dream was elaborate, lots of attention to detail...people and places that don't even exist, as far as I know.

I can't seem to get it out of my mind. not sure if its my subconscious trying to get me to understand that he has a new life now. part of me, apparently, can't accept that it is with the OW he is actually having the affair with, I had to create this mystery woman.

very strange. left me feeling very hollow when I woke up. and maybe because the dream was trying to make me face what I don't want to face. I want my world back...but its gone. he's been gone for so long now. and the H I see now, isn't the one I love. its like an invasion of the body snatchers. he's been replaced by someone I don't even want to know. but I can't stop grieving for the man he used to be.

wow, really sounding pathetic here, aren't I?