Having serious trouble DBing and had a major backslide last night. Rather new to the whole thing. Here's the not-so-short story:
Jan-Jun 07 - H out drinking most weeknights, ignoring me and all chores. Lots of fighting. In his words, "living work hard/play hard lifestyle."
6/30/07 - "ILY but not in love" bomb dropped.
July - Discovered this site, read DR, trying to 180 and GAL. Productive R talks--always initiated by him. H wants to work on M, wants to go to MC. H did stop bad behavior and was home mostly but very distant, sulking. Tried my best to stay upbeat and GAL all month. Lots of tension.
8/4/07 - My suspicions confirmed via snooping: his "things I know/don't know" notes that included "I've cheated and lied about it," cryptic but suggestive emails with more than 1 female coworker, note with home address of one of these women--Katie--in same pocket with condoms (I suppose I should be happy about that!). Continued DBing with broken heart.
Last night... Joined him for drinks after work for one of his coworker's goodbye party and learned that Katie's out of town (so that's why I'm suddenly invited.) Kept my cool but left before him, H home just a bit later. Not coping well, not a good poker face, but tried to keep my mouth shut. But he asked and asked...
M: I know you've cheated on me and need to know the whole truth, that it's over, so I can heal and forgive, so that I know you're serious about working on our M.
H: Outright denial... then have kissed some girls... then kissed one coworker (who happens to have left his company recently and is not Katie) one time a few months ago, late, at bar, totally incidental (whatever that means!). Didn't think anyone knew about that.
M: And what were you doing going to Katie's home?
H: Just to get a mower out of her car once and to set up a playset another time. Been to Kim's house too, and so-and-so's, blah blah blah. Yes, I have women friends. But would never jeopardize career by sleeping with someone from work. (Can't believe he actually said that out loud!)
At this point, H turns tables and goes into angry tirade, name-calling, always/never talk, etc. Not sure M is salvageable. I just went quiet, went to bed. Without being asked, he stayed in the guestroom. This morning, I got a kiss on the cheek with a have a nice day. This afternoon, an email with contact info for 3 MCs he got via the employee assistance program. I guess that means he's not out the door yet.
I know I did this all wrong but couldn't help it and not sure I care, not sure I want to be with a liar and a cheat. Realize that I need to calm down, take it slow, get back to serious DBing.
But, assuming we make it to an MC, I can't DB while I'm there, right? The lies, the cheating, it's all got to go on the table at the first appointment, right? I'm confused about how I handle myself at the MC session.
