I think that someone should hold onto not the ideals, but the realities of their situation.
That's my point. I don't think it is realistic for Heywire to think she or her H are true friends are partners to each other. Maybe they are as far as the positions they each occupy, but not in regard to their way of thinking and treating each other.
That is why I was proposing, and our past counselor also proposed, that each person detach in order to depersonalize issues and limit the reactivity.
Heywire isn't a therapist and the relationship she is in isn't one where her husband is her client. Yes people should try to practice differentiation from their partners especially when things are dysfunctional but trying to be a therapist isn't a job that a spouse should take. I don't believe that it is emotionally heathy for either party.
I think you are being too literal in interpreting my comments. I I didn't say Heywire should be a therapist to her H, but detach like a therapist would. Otherwise she stays enmeshed and reactive and perpetuates their dance. Once a counselor or therapist gets enmeshed with the client, their effectiveness is over.
Also, while I agree that she should not be a therapist, I disagree that trying to bring about change by detaching and doing the things a therapist would otherwise recommend is unhealthy. Leaving things alone will make the marriage even worse, and that is the most unhealthy position they can both be in. When things get bad, almost any change can be an improvement.
