I guess I was setting my goal at a couple of times a week because cac said that was his preference. I don't know how many times a week I'm capable of having sex or would truly want it because I've never explored that. Sometimes I see him coming to bed unshowered as a "break" and sometimes I'm a little disappointed.
Seems to conflict with this statement:
I want to explore my sexuality and my sex life with cac to have the best SL we can have. That is what I want.
And also brings in this statement:
The panicky feelings set in because I need to state to him that I desire sex with him before we're even in bed, so that he'll take a shower. There is nothing spontaneous about it. I've made a commitment. So I ask him to take a shower and he does and then he comes to bed assuming we will have sex. I go to bed thinking I want to have sex, but a little nervous because I'm unsure if I can actually pull it off. Why?
I think I understand what you want, but you are the one who seems to be holding you back. CAC is not helping with his smoking, so if he wants a better sex life, I think he should more seriously consider stopping smoking. Some things you may be able to get past, such as dealing with your anxiety, your worry about being good enough or being accepted, etc. but I do understand if you can’t get past the smell of smoke.
Where do these panicky feelings come from and why do you think you have them? Why are you unsure if you can “actually pull it off?” What exactly are you worried about? I don’t understand your statement.
Then there's the sensory issues. He might still have smokers' breath or my nipples might be sore or his hair might be wet (wet hair smells like wet wool to me) and all of a sudden my desire has evaporated. Now what do I do? He's there loving me and I'm so panicked by these thoughts that I'm paralyzed. And the more panicked I feel, the further away my desire is, just beyond my grasp.
You sound very sensitive to your surroundings. Are you ADD by chance? My wife does a little of what you describe, though different things. IMO, she is not so worried about what is happening on the TV, or the state of the curtains, or what happened with the kids, but rather she is using all of that as a deflection to avoid too much intimacy. She might want sex, but when it comes down to it, she avoids it emotionally. This is an avoidance tactic and a FOO issue.
Now I'm faced with a choice. I can try to push these thoughts from my mind, but they are so darned persistent. I could fake it, but I'm not a very good actress and it just seems wrong. He becomes aware of a change in me and wonders what is happening. He asks me if I'm not really interested or would rather go to sleep. I can't tell him I'm not interested. That's not fair. I told him earlier that I wanted to have sex and now I'm saying that I don't. WTF? He's now being nice about it and that almost makes it worse. What the he11 is the matter with me?
So you want sex to get closer, but then you deflect because you are now too close, then feel guilty for pushing him away…. Have I got that right?
….. I felt I had to declare *no sex unless you're showered* because you can be sure that he'll end up with crap sex otherwise. And that's not what I want. Does any of this make sense? I am trying to reverse a Pavlov's dog reaction to sex, basically because I've been trained to expect him to smell like smoke, which usually stops my desire dead in its tracks.
What attracted you to CA in the first place? I will assume he has been smoking for some time, probably when you first stated dating. Why did you marry him if his smoking repulsed you? Or was it repulsive back then?
Why is it you can only have sex with a clean, sweet smelling man? I know women prefer this, but a man is a man. We men smell. Have you ever desired or fantasized about a rough and tumble type of man, a macho, man’s man? How do you think he would smell? Like lilacs? Is there something about men in general that repulses you?
During or after the infertility, and I'm not sure when it happened, he started to get very sarcastic when I would suggest sex, like putting his hand to my forehead in a mock attempt to see if I was feverish, or he might say something like, "you want to have sex? Are you sure?"
OK, I understand. But this was years ago. Does he still do this? If not, get over it. Otherwise you are only going to frustrate you and CAC by bringing up something from the past that you cannot change. That is the convenient thing about not forgiving the past, it keeps a wedge you two that CAC can never get past, or maybe is that what you want?
But I admit that I do the bulk of the initiating because he can't read my mind. He doesn't know when things will be just right for me. *I* don't even know until we're in bed!
If I were him I would be extremely frustrated too. Quite some time ago Corri listed several things that she felt marked the difference between a sexually confident woman and a girl. I won’t bother to search for it because it was buried in an unrelated thread, but those might be goals to keep in mind (if she or someone can find them, or recreate them).
That's why I come back to him showering every night as part of his routine and then going from there. I would like some of our encounters to be spontaneous, but they never will be if I have to ask him to take a shower, KWIM?
What I read out of this is that you are taking the uncertainty of rejection, the anxiety of preparing for and following through with sex, and putting it into CAC’s court so you don’t have to deal with it. It sounds like you want the certainty of having no pressure or guilt along with the spontaneity of random encounters. It’s a good goal for you, but I think it puts CAC in a very difficult spot, don’t you think?
How would you feel if you just let CAC ravage you whenever he wanted, without advance notice, and with no control by you over the timing of the encounters (assuming they were at appropriate times and that he was usually showered and smelling good)? Would this feel scary to you? Would it be too intimate?
Dieda comes to my mind when reading your post. My first thought was that are taking control of your encounters to be sure they are on your terms. But that is not a responsibility you want and it creates anxiety in you. I also remember that CAC had some disparaging remarks about Dieda, thinking that too many on this board thought Dieda was God’s gift. I did not understand why CAC felt that way at the time, but I now sense that maybe he is like you in that he does not want to take responsibility either. So he withdraws and forces you to take the lead. Does CAC dislike Dieda because being the “Superior Man” means CAC will have to step up and take on the responsibility he is trying to throw off onto you and he does not like that?
What I wonder is whether the BOTH of you are afraid of intimacy and you each have your own way of avoiding it? Perhaps what is needed is for CAC to step up to a more assertive, alpha male role and for you to let go of your control and allow him to exert that dominance and show his desire in the way that the manly CAC wants to. Otherwise you continuing to rescue him and play that role for him is just going to keep frustrating the both of you. (BTW, I am making a few assumption in this last editorial bit.)
