I can understand your aversion to digging for answers. It hurts if you prove suspicions of adultery right, it hurts to mistrust them, but it also hurts to wonder all the time.
I quit digging, it doesn't change her actions and I don't need any more proof of the adultery, There is absolutely no question about the fact that there was an affair. My only question is IF it has ended. She has never told me it did, she just told me she realized that she wanted fix things between us.
Originally Posted By: prodigalwife
Have you told your wife how much it worries you that she has so much contact with him? Have you asked her what all the chitchat is about?
I have not asked her anything about it since early June. That was when I stopped concerning myself with it. At that point I had pretty much resigned myself to our M being over. Our court date for custody and initial property was June 19th. At that point what she did didn't matter anymore, we were seperated and she was free to do whatever she wanted. Of course June 18th was when things started to get better, and had been steadily improving until this last week.
Originally Posted By: prodigalwife
She may not tell you or get angry(a definite bad sign), she could play it off as absolutely nothing (notice whether or not she seems tense or obviously dishonest), or there's the slim (very slim) possibility she may actually tell you what's being said and why.
I'm sure she would be angry since the only information I have right now is from scrolling through her phone. I'm not sure how to approach the topic without showing my hand. If I ask her whether she is stll in contact with him and she flat out lies to me, I may not be able to keep a DB/poker face.
Originally Posted By: prodigalwife
The more you tell me, the more concerned I am. I worry that the affair possibly never ended. There was a point where I reverted to keeping my affair a secret while supposedly returning to my husband. While I hate to give you more worries, be careful. No one wants to be played a fool once, but twice is more hurt than anyone deserves. If it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck...you get the picture.
This is my concern also. My problem is that she is definitely working at our R lately. I see her efforts and changes in her attitude. I have also had outside people approach me and tell me that she is saying that things are much better and improving. To quote one of her friends " I don't know what you are doing but it's working. She is excited about you again, and keeps talking about it." So I see these things as good, but I don't know if she is just sliding back into her old "dual life" and just hiding it again. She falls short on a lot of the actions that she has proposed.
M 39, W 35 D7, S5 Friends 18+ Together 11+ Married 8 ILYBINILWY 4/7/07 - A BOMB 4/29/07 Seperated 5/16/07 - D Filed She Moved out 7/1 D Busted 6/15/08
I have not written on he boards in a very long time, but I have a question? Did you project to your h those things that were difficult for you? For instance when you were in denial and trying to justify did you project those thoughts, ideas and feelings on to your H? Were you strongly influenced by the OM in your justifications for your choices?
Absolutely! I constantly tried to transmit my thoughts and feelings by making them belong to my husband. For instance, instead of saying, "I don't want to be with you" I'd say, "YOU don't want to be with me." I told myself and my husband he could find better than me, that he'd be happier without me. My OM, however, did very little to try to influence me. Really he mostly just allowed me to build up steam and complain about my husband and fed my childish impulses.
The grass may be greener, but then again, it may also be astroturf. ~Amy C Brown
my H is with an ow who since we have known her in the last 5 years has been marriedto Rich, lived with Tony, had Rudy as a boyfriend and now lives with my H. I believe that in order for an affair to take place 2 things need to happen, there needs to be vunerability and opportunity. What was it that made you vunerable? While I believe that both people in a relationship have to own their parts is it your opinion that this is not about the LBS? I hear so much that this is not about us who are left behind that it is the choice of the WAS in how they deal or rather do not deal with their issues...thoughts?
you said you had to hit rock bottom before you realized what you were missing and what was important. Did you at other times have moments of clarity and think that you wanted to go back but didn't quite know how to?
I was vulnerable because of undiagnosed depression for one. I didn't understand why I was unhappy, so I didn't know how to fix the problem either. As a result I turned to ways I could feel nothing rather than feel miserable. Sex was my escape...and my affair was an accident. I found someone who was easy to get into bed, but with the unexpected consequence that he understood me better than I did. My OM knew I felt trapped by my life, that I had married and started a family young, and that I sometimes felt I had missed out on my own life. And he used that to build a fantasy and a dependency on his love and support. I was exploited, but I allowed it to happen, and I am at fault.
I will say it is not the fault of the LBS. Things happen, people don't know how to help their spouse, or don't know there is a problem. How could my husband know what was going on in my head when didn't myself?
I believe I knew all along deep down that it would never be real between me and the OM. But I buried all those doubts, telling myself I would find happiness with him. But it was like being in a dream. And every once in awhile I would have these moments, sometimes days, where I would ask myself what the hell I was doing and wish I could just go home. It wasn't so much that I didn't know HOW to go home, but rather I wasn't willing to give up the fantasy yet, wasn't ready to admit I was wrong.
The grass may be greener, but then again, it may also be astroturf. ~Amy C Brown
Thanks once again for your contributions. The more I read about your thought process, the more I see my wife. You could very well be her writing this.... Of course, you are not, because wife is still "in love" with her OM. But, if nothing else, you give me hope that she may come to her senses.
As I predicted, you have not been "flamed" a single time on this thread. This is a testament to the resolve that we LBS's have. You are not to be ridiculed or impugned; rather, we seek to understand your thought process. And we are grateful to you.
OK, here are my questions. First, did your husband read DR, and did he follow DB and LRT techniques? If so, please share with us your thoughts regarding this. Manipulative? Desperate? What did you see your husband doing?
Next, you mentioned that your husband said he didn't want anything to do with you until you came home and left OM for good. Did you see that as him abandoning your marriage? I mean, you said OM was your soul mate. So didn't you see your husband washing his hands of you, giving you permission to flee to OM? Why did you stick around? I hope that question makes sense. I guess am just searching for the right words for my wife, and I am wondering if a similar message would ring true with her. How did you initially respond to this message?
About our life all I can say is sorry. It didn't turn out the way I expected and I am not blaming anyone. iknow you have a lot of anger I don't blame you. I honestly wish all the best for you I hope you become very successful and are very happy. I will continue to pray for you every day.
The above quote is from my H who is currently living with OW but has been contacting me every second day with some query either about our stocks, the new house I am buying; some advice or offer to help.
Why? Please help me to understand if he were really truly happy where he was and didn't want me and our M , why contact me and take an interest in my life?
Eh, Astimegoeson doesn't seem to think much of me. But waiting for universal popularity is about as useful as lips on a chicken, so I'm not worried.
No, my husband and I have not read DR...but from what I've picked up about it, he instinctivly knew how to DB pretty well. A very unusual and singular man, my husband . I don't think I was ever delusional enough to pretend HE was abandoning ME. And I didn't really think he was manipulating me so much as circumstances. He knew how to upset me and occasionally pushed my buttons to make sure I knew he wasn't happy with me. At one point while I was away (without OM) for my brother's wedding, my husband really hit below the belt. He sold my two cats, which were like family to me, without telling me until I got home. I was devastated, but he had made his point too. There were a few other attacks, but mostly he just refused to support me; if I wanted to be my own woman then fine, but he'd have no part in it. He was good at documenting what I was doing, where I was, etc. This was mostly to get the OM into trouble since they're both soldiers and the military takes adultery very seriously. It made it easier to catch me if I lied too.
Like I said in a previous post, deep down I knew my husband was a better man than my OM. I was torn by the fantasy, but still wanting my husband. He loved me, and I knew it, but I couldn't reconcile it with my "love" for the OM. I was confused and throughout the whole mess I was fighting for happiness. I just didn't always know what that meant.
At first I didn't hear anything my husband said. I didn't want to hear anything that might punch holes in the fantasy. But I hears it, even when I pretended not to. And it ate at me. I carried what I was doing to my husband with me every moment of every day.
The thing that my husband kept repeating is that he did not want a divorce, that it wasn't his choice.
The grass may be greener, but then again, it may also be astroturf. ~Amy C Brown
Like I said in a previous post, deep down I knew my husband was a better man than my OM. I was torn by the fantasy, but still wanting my husband. He loved me, and I knew it, but I couldn't reconcile it with my "love" for the OM. I was confused and throughout the whole mess I was fighting for happiness. I just didn't always know what that meant.
At first I didn't hear anything my husband said. I didn't want to hear anything that might punch holes in the fantasy. But I hears it, even when I pretended not to. And it ate at me. I carried what I was doing to my husband with me every moment of every day. The thing that my husband kept repeating is that he did not want a divorce, that it wasn't his choice.
hey Pro wife,
I care what you have to say. I think this is what my W is going through. She is not happy and does not know why. I think she thought if she went back in time to her ex B she would find it. I think "At first I didn't hear anything my husband said. I didn't want to hear anything that might punch holes in the fantasy. But I hears it, even when I pretended not to."is my Wifes Problem also
thanks for being here
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
But waiting for universal popularity is about as useful as lips on a chicken, so I'm not worried.
. I don't think I was ever delusional enough to pretend HE was abandoning ME. And I didn't really think he was manipulating me so much as circumstances. He knew how to upset me and occasionally pushed my buttons to make sure I knew he wasn't happy with me. At one point while I was away (without OM) for my brother's wedding, my husband really hit below the belt. He sold my two cats, which were like family to me, without telling me until I got home. I was devastated, but he had made his point too. There were a few other attacks, but mostly he just refused to support me; if I wanted to be my own woman then fine, but he'd have no part in it. He was good at documenting what I was doing, where I was, etc. This was mostly to get the OM into trouble since they're both soldiers and the military takes adultery very seriously. It made it easier to catch me if I lied too.