So what's the answer, to never say no to someone you love because you don't want to hurt them? That does not seem healthy either. If you always say yes to them, then by definition you end up saying no to yourself which then becomes self-denial doesn't it? That's not healthy for relationships either.
Couldn't the answer be to not take the answer "no" as a rejection of your core being but to see it as the answer to the question at the moment?
I agree with your answer, and for me, there are times when I take a no as just the answer to the question of the moment. But when those moments seem to string together into a pattern then rejection is hard to put off. I think what is needed is a show of compassion from the spouse.
Whether we try to avoid it or not, sex IS a validating experience. I do think we all like sex for the fun of sex, but also for the EC, or validation. If we cannot have sex, then the spouse can lessen the feeling of rejection by giving a substitute form of validation, which may be as simple as expressing regret, promising to make it up, or some other simple show of compassion. That type of validation is not as satisfying, but it helps, and is certainly better than expressing nothing at all.
The person being rejected can do his/her part by “holding onto him/herself,” taking on a little detachment, and not personalizing it. I see the solution as a mutual effort from both parties. At least that's my theory. Still working on it....
