OK, I've avoided continuing this for a couple of days because things are better and I don't want to rock the boat. But that fear is part of the reason I'm in this place to begin with, so here goes.

mrs.cac: I've written about cac's smoking and how it bothers me. He will shower at night sometimes, but it usually is with the expectation that we will have sex. (I drew a boundary and told him that I wouldn't have sex unless he was showered.) I'm not interested (at least right now) in having sex every night. However, I'd love to be able to cuddle etc. during those "off" nights, with him showered of course. I don't see this as an option, if he expects sex every time he comes to bed showered. This makes me feel pressured to perform. So he only showers when he thinks we will have sex, which really means missed opportunities for one thing leading to another.

Cobra: I’m a little confused with what you’re saying. On one had you say you don’t want sex every night, so he apparently doesn’t see the need to shower every night, only those nights when he wants sex, meaning the nights he doesn’t shower gives you a break from sex, right?

I guess I was setting my goal at a couple of times a week because cac said that was his preference. I don't know how many times a week I'm capable of having sex or would truly want it because I've never explored that. Sometimes I see him coming to bed unshowered as a "break" and sometimes I'm a little disappointed.

The panicky feelings set in because I need to state to him that I desire sex with him before we're even in bed, so that he'll take a shower. There is nothing spontaneous about it. I've made a commitment. So I ask him to take a shower and he does and then he comes to bed assuming we will have sex. I go to bed thinking I want to have sex, but a little nervous because I'm unsure if I can actually pull it off. Why?

Well, for one, I usually go to bed "cold." Basically we go from sitting in the living room watching TV to bed/foreplay. Unless it's ovulation time, I don't do 0-60 well. There is no kissing, hugging or snuggling in the living room, because he smokes.

Then there's the sensory issues. He might still have smokers' breath or my nipples might be sore or his hair might be wet (wet hair smells like wet wool to me) and all of a sudden my desire has evaporated. Now what do I do? He's there loving me and I'm so panicked by these thoughts that I'm paralyzed. And the more panicked I feel, the further away my desire is, just beyond my grasp.

Now I'm faced with a choice. I can try to push these thoughts from my mind, but they are so darned persistent. I could fake it, but I'm not a very good actress and it just seems wrong. He becomes aware of a change in me and wonders what is happening. He asks me if I'm not really interested or would rather go to sleep. I can't tell him I'm not interested. That's not fair. I told him earlier that I wanted to have sex and now I'm saying that I don't. WTF? He's now being nice about it and that almost makes it worse. What the he11 is the matter with me?

But then you really do want him to shower every night, but not always want sex, but to cuddle some times. I with you so far….. but then you say his not showering, which could be his way of taking the pressure off of you, is creating missed opportunities for sex. Do I have that right? So which is it, do you want him to always shower to leave open the possibility for sex? But I thought that would put too much pressure on you to perform.

Ideally, I would want him to shower every night as part of his bedtime routine, completely independent of sex. He said here that he desired sex 2 or 3 times a week. So that leaves 4 or 5 nights that we could have sensory experiences that don't (necessarily) lead to sex. Or maybe they would. I don't know because he's always smoked, so on nights when we know we aren't having sex, there's no cuddling at all. I felt I had to declare *no sex unless you're showered* because you can be sure that he'll end up with crap sex otherwise. And that's not what I want. Does any of this make sense? I am trying to reverse a Pavlov's dog reaction to sex, basically because I've been trained to expect him to smell like smoke, which usually stops my desire dead in its tracks.

Another confusing thing is how is he to know when you want sex and when you don’t? For him to expect sex every night pressures you too much. But you want him to shower each night anyway. If he does this, which nights is he to initiate and which nights is he to cuddle? If he doesn’t know, then should he just assume cuddling each night, to take the pressure off you, and leave it up to you to decide which nights are for sex? But wouldn’t that mean you have to initiate, and wouldn’t that take away the appearance of desire you want to see in him? Am I correct in getting the impression that you are not sure what you want? That indecision is poison for a victim. Maybe its no wonder he prefers to just go back into his cave.

I want to explore my sexuality and my sex life with cac to have the best SL we can have. That is what I want.

I wasn't completely clear about the reasons I don't like to initiate. Years ago before infertility, I felt comfortable initiating because he was receptive. It felt natural and it was playful. During or after the infertility, and I'm not sure when it happened, he started to get very sarcastic when I would suggest sex, like putting his hand to my forehead in a mock attempt to see if I was feverish, or he might say something like, "you want to have sex? Are you sure?"

I was aware that we had a lot of problems with our SL and maybe it was guilt, but that stuff really stung. In other situations or with a healthier R, that might have been considered playful. But with us it was deadly.

We have talked about this and, especially lately, he has been more playful and just responsive about it, so I'm feeling more comfortable with it.

But I admit that I do the bulk of the initiating because he can't read my mind. He doesn't know when things will be just right for me. *I* don't even know until we're in bed! That's why I come back to him showering every night as part of his routine and then going from there. I would like some of our encounters to be spontaneous, but they never will be if I have to ask him to take a shower, KWIM?