back to square -1 or -10000

[RedHeadWife]

BTDT. I lost a LOT of weight during my whole sitch.

Love ya, babe, you need to get back to DB'ing. We aren't weak I don't think. But we do need to draw the line somewhere. Like I've said, my line is that if he cheats again, he's gone and I think that is primarily b/c I can't imagine that if I allowed him to do it again that he would be able to respect me any longer. We all have to look at our own specific sitch and figure out what is best in our particular sitch.

Hopefully, when you go to lunch w/ him tomorrow he will tell you what it is he is thinking and what it is he is planning on doing from here.

[Aud31]

You Go Cat--keep breathing and take care of YOU! Definitely go for the highlights--hair or no hair--anything that makes you feel gorgeous.

[cat03]

thanks gals I'm taking tomorrow off to take kids to the county fair, and this time I ain't leaving without eating a funnel cake. I'll post that night after I heard the kids to bed. Well, whatevery will happen will happen, perhaps he wont' change his # or says something else I'm not thinking off, so, im prepared for anything.

hugs)))))))))))

[runningoutoftime]

Cat,

Go get some Biotin for your hair (I take Jarrow's 5mg which is super potent).. the only bad thing about this stuff is you'll have to highlight more often because hair seems to grow faster... another thing is the natural progesterine cream... helpful when you're premenopause...

I think there may be something to Aud's comment about the H not coming out of the behavior until the LBS has given up or moved on. This may not be the case for everyone, but I can relate to that. Before the divorce filing, I spent three years trying to convince my husband to wear his wedding ring. I'd wear mine, tell him that it was important to me because it was a symbol of our marriage, etc... and he'd make excuses... well, a lot of married guys don't wear wedding rings, I won't wear it until the marriage is better.... yada yada yada... Also, the first time he filed for divorce and I convinced him to stay and try... apparently... and I didn't know this but my lawyer told me... he only put the divorce on "HOLD." So he didn't actually stop it. At the time I had believed he completely stopped it. And thinking back about how hard I was working to pull things together and even believed things were good... because I really put EVERYTHING into making him happy... gosh, that was like a total slap in the face!!!

Anyhow...now to my point... this time, for the first time I did let go of my marriage and truly detached (although husband forced me into that one! He had me completely convinced it was over). So this time we reconciled I've been very different. I gave up on the wedding ring issue because... well... now I was the one who wasn't sure I wanted to wear one. I was fully happy to never bother with wedding rings, but my husband was the one who searched through the closets and found his ring (that I had stored away for the kids because he had left it when he moved out), had it resized and began wearing it. Eventually I put mine back on. Also, my husband STOPPED the divorce this time and my lawyer merely put it "on hold."

I used to hate that he'd go out with a guy friend or two on a weekend night ("for dinner") and stay out until midnight. For years, I felt resentful and angry about it. But not anymore! Heck, I go out with my girlfriends and have a great time. Last night he went out to dinner with people afterwork and I went out with a good girlfriend and chatted with friends I met last summer. Interestingly, I think he is now much more bothered by all of this than me. I think he he may be feeling a little uncomfortable about this. It's like the tables turned!!!! In some ways I'm kind of glad because he finally gets to understand what it feels like. He's the type of person who needs to experience things to understand them. (Not that I'm having an affair or doing anything remotely like that). But I like myself, I like meeting and talking with people, I'm enjoying my life, my kids, my pets and I'm just thankful for whatever I have regardless of what H does...

I don't know if any of this is helpful to you. I do struggle with things sometimes, but I like to think the struggles only make me stronger in the long run...

[cat03]

I honestly dont' think I fully understood the art of letting go, of stop pursuing--you make perfect sense. How can they change their attitudes truthfully if we are the ones forcing them to change it for them in the name of piecing?

No, I may not agree with some of his behaviors in the future (everyday household desicions, opinions) and I'll have to keep myself from "fixing" him. Its going to take every cell of my body, when he comes back home, not to hound him and ask question after question. One thing I clearly remember from out C session is the C telling me that yes, I did have a right to ask questions about the A, but to make sure that the questions would be for a good cause, that they would promote healing.

I think I'm still in shock about this whole thing, I mean, a day like today last week all was "normal" (guess it really wasnt) and the next day I dialed a phone # and I hear that hated female voice "Hi, this is Xxxxx"...

[cat03]

OK, need help here. I keep thinking of the time I did find an txt msg from her and my H convinced me it was from someone else (it mentioned a picnic and a walk) I told him I knew it was her. He lied so good I believed, complete with a hug and a "aww, you thought it was that?" (it really drives me crazy thinking about it,specially since, had I had time to look through the picts I would've found her picts on his inbox and found out earlier) Or the time I notice that phone # too many times and I actually wrote it down but didnt' call, forcing myself not to be distrustful.

Having a hard time understanding that it's out already, and that at least I found out before they had their beach trip. Sheess, be patient with me gals, still in the shock/appalled stage I guess.

[ediemarie]

hi Cat -
I've never posted to you before, but you did post to me once suggesting that h and I see a MC - and I concur it's needed - but I wanted to let you know that I know what you are going through - my heart, like everyone else that has followed your sitch, sank at your new developments.

I think what you are going through is similiar to what I am. My H rekindled his R with OW and I was clueless to it. It was/is like he has been leading a double life - sweet, kind, supportive, lovey at home and leading me down the path of "everything is fine, we're working things out" all the while maintaining a relationship with another woman. Hell, it took me 3 weeks of his mystery disappearances before I put 2 and 2 together - I could kick myself...why didn't I see it? Truth is - I DIDN'T WANT TO. I was working so hard, I believed our R was getting better, I want our marriage to work and I'm not/your not to blame for believing that it was working. You were mislead - it's not pretty, but it's accurate. You (like I did) fell for the lie - that's the point of lying and it worked. Interestingly enough, most cheating H's/W's lie so as to protect their spouse from the pain of knowing the truth - nice, right? In their minds they are doing us a favor by lying - so sick.

I have no sage advice, just don't blame yourself. This isn't your fault. Your H (my H) made bad decisions, really bad decisions and then chose to lie about it all. The only thing you are at fault for is trying to build a relationship - and that deserves no blame!

Hang in there!! Hopefully the fog will clear soon.

EM

[cat03]

H's/W's lie so as to protect their spouse from the pain of knowing the truth - nice, right? In their minds they are doing us a favor by lying - so sick.

you nailed it, that's exactly what my H said "I didn't want to hurt you by telling you things weren't working out" Oh yea? then asked him "how do you think I feel now? you were just about to find a place to live and leave me high and dry? don't i hurt even more now?"
Boy, how painful others, like you, went/are going through this cruel process.

[runningoutoftime]

I wish I had sage advice. What I'd probably do, and the "right" DBing thing might be two different things so I won't go there. About the best I can say is totally let go of the leash. Maybe even start living like your marriage is over (keep in mind... letting go doesn't mean the door is closed). My guess is your husband hasn't spent enough time on "the other side of the fence."

[cat03]

man, you would've believed the things I've learned, i'm still realing from what's happened since I last posted, too much to digest and process. H told me everything, and even willing to tell me more but as it is I dont' even remember everything we talked about on friday. SHort story, ow was , obviously, furious. To save face H told her we were still getting a D, though thinking things were over w/her. Lo and behold op said she'd wait and they would "work it out".Boy, it never pays to lie. Now we are wondering when she'll figure out he's never calling her nor coming over.

H changed his phone # and does not want to deal with op anymore. Apparently he also got fed up with her cause she was a wreck but dint' have the courage to break it off. I know, there are tons of things wrong with everything he did. He was about to have a break down this AM, it didnt' help that he figured out I broke into his email, he was SOOO furious he actually talked like that was the point of no return and that we prob wouldn't be able to get together again, I was so fed up I actually told him "then let's break it off now, or separate".
I could see his eye pulsate, he mentioned tons of other things why we were not going to work out, then went back to beating himself and he truly was about to come completly appart, it was bad.
He calmed down and actually appologize later, he is totally demorilized and miserable. It's going to take a while to rebuild himself, he will still seek theraphy.
Doesnt' help that world leaked out at work about the A, he now feels at odds there and has to deal with that too.

I'm trying so much to not "run to his rescue" but still be there for him, he is suffering the consecuences of his acts, at it had to happen, but sometimes I m truly afraid he's going to loose it.

My commitment and strenght have been tried to whithin and inch of their lives, I'm living hr by hr. He's not happy in the spare bedroom and slept on the couch, I was actually planning to have him sleep on the spare room for at least a month, then thought a week or two, he feels so alone. Then again, he has a hard time learning from his mistakes and I want him to realize how much he's hurt me and pushed me, I used to want him so.

I'm ok, so far, I actually had a full meal this afternoon for the first time, been going out with the kids and found a beautiful book that's helping me tons. Hugs all, thanks for listening.