I dunno, Cobra. Idealistically, I agree with you, but doesn't it take a superhuman love to fully transcend all the betrayals and disappointments Heywyre has experienced and continues to experience in her marriage?
Sure it does, if you personalize it. Think of it this way – how would you react to a child who was orphaned, abused, traumatized, etc? There are social workers who deal with this type of situation all the time. Do they throw up their hands in frustration at some point and walk away? No, because they know it is not a matter of whether the child wants to be loved or not, but a matter of whether the child can overcome past memories and build trust in the new relationship, plus learn new behaviors. They do this by focusing on the pain within the child and understand that the actions of the are only reflection of that pain. That said, I KNOW it is easier in theory than in practice. I REALLY do know that.
Back to your comments…
It seems to be setting the bar a bit high to imply that it's never enough to do something loving out of a sense of duty/commitment to one's vows as opposed to purely out of love in your heart.
I understand where you are coming from with this, but really, this sounds more like your perception of the R, and may not have any bearing to how your spouse feels. Who is setting the bar, you are your H? If he never mentioned a bar, then why put such limits on your self?
This is a lot of what Corri is talking about. Do your best to accept what is, rather than read into the situation as what you think it should be. That is detachment.
Personally I do not think detaching from a relationship has to be a permanent way of thinking, but only a necessary stage as the marriage slowly evolves. The hope is that one day the two of you can get to a point of healthy, functional “enmeshment,” or interdependence.
I agree that it may not be loving, helpful, or necessary to *voice* to your partner that the only reason you are staying is because you don't want to compromise your own principles, otherwise you would happily leave without looking back. Especially to someone with abandonment fears.
Again, this is a self-centered statement, focusing on how your spouse is forcing you to compromise your principles, while guilt keeps you from leaving. Your spouse may not have any intention of causing you to compromise your principals.
I believe parents have an obligation to repair the marriage if children are involved. If there are no children, or the kids are grown and out of the home, then I become split between working on the M and just splitting up and starting fresh. But as long as someone is one this board, I assume they choose to work on the M.
Heywire,
That sort of conversation you had with your H is just the sort of “keeping it in his face” that I mentioned to Williebek on his thread, and shows the type of turmoil that your H is undergoing internally. He is growing.
