forever21's journey still continues.....

[forever21]

Hey HS, Care, and Kman!!! Great hearing from you! Thank you guys. I am feeling good and strong.

HS... I used the term cycling simply with his patterns in mind, which are similar to MLC. I agree that I'm not needing him. It's really nice too. I didn't have to go to him about the finances, but I chose to. I've even been feeling okay with selling the house. As far as him having to win me back... I absolutely agree, but I also have to win him back too in a way. How would it look having him try to win me back?... asking me out on dates, opening up to me, being honest, treating me with respect... being loving and thoughtful... a one-woman man. I could go on and on. I think he might be trying to do that now, but it could simply be him trying to find peace.

Care... I really appreciate your take... that my H tries to take me down paths that don't lead anywhere. That's a good reminder for me. I've been thinking that might be what my C could be telling me now if I were to talk with him, but who knows. I see him again next week. I am aware that I'm feeling more hope again... but I don't know if that is truly good for me. The good thing is I feel like I still have my head on straight. I would love a great R with that someone special, with openness and honesty, COMMITMENT, lots of love and patience, and a willingness on both sides to work at it. I like to think my H is capable of that, but that might not be the case.

Kman... well, fortunately it's not feeling sucky to feel a bit torn... at least not so far. That may come later though, I know. I'm just at a new place and not 100% sure about what to do with it, especially considering my H now wants to meet. Yep, I will keep on with my RE stuff and keep the focus on me. As you know, I have some decisions to make there so I have a lot to keep me busy. As far as what I have been wanting... to move on with my love life... either be on my own, or have my H IN this M.

He called this morning, and we talked for half an hour. He said he doesn't have the money we need, felt bad, and didn't know what to do about it. I told him not to worry about it, and thanked him for all that he's been doing to help out. Told him again that I hope it won't be long before he doesn't have that responsibility anymore.... he said it IS his responsibility though. Nice change. He got upset and started to get emotional when I told him I didn't think borrowing from his deferred comp was a good idea though if that's what he was considering (after he said he'd talked to some people about other options for his debt)... he asked why, are you divorcing me and want half of my pension? I told him it wasn't like that and asked him to please not jump to conclusions. He said he has been really angry lately, which came as a little surprise since I have not been getting that from him. Guess that means I did a good job with my boundaries. Yay me. He said he just doesn't have peace with the past and repeated this, adding that he still has a lot of hurt. I said I was sorry, and that I understand. Turns out he had some sort of incident at work recently and was put on paid administrative leave for a couple days. He didn't tell me the story, but said they were being really good to him about it since he has a great record. Said he is going to be put in C now, which he thought was good... and that it will probably include anger management.

He stopped himself from talking about needing peace with the past, as he was on his way to a meeting at work and didn't want to get emotional. He asked if I would like to go surfing with him sometime and talk about that stuff, and I said that would be nice. He then suggested just coming over to the house and playing some bocce ball with me and talking. I was cool with that too. So that's where we stand. A little surprising that he wants to TALK, as he has been one to avoid it.

He called after his meeting, to say thanks for listening. I thanked him for sharing. He apparently hasn't slept much the last couple nights and was going to sleep now. I was getting the feeling he might just end up blowing it off as he so often does, so I told him I would really like to meet and talk. We'll see when he calls again. In the meantime... life goes on.