You have given so much to everyone on this board and I can honestly say I feel the replies you are getting proves your value in this dreadful situation.
I think BD is pretty spot on and can't add anymore, just as a (recent) friend I am feeling for you.
I think to put it plainly you if you decide this is it you can truly look in the mirror and say I did my best and can face life in the future knowing this.
Although your still making progress and maybe this is the ultimate 180 which can work.
As my wife used to say to me when I was fat, chins up!
charlie
Me 39 W 39 D8 S5 Married 13yrs Together 20years EA June 06 Ilyninlwy Jan 07 Seperated Jan 07